The Green Plastic Table
by Spades 44
Summary: "It's amazing, sometimes, the things that humans can do". Natsume falls slowly and gently, starts holding out hope for a happy future. But he isn't the only one with special powers, and sometimes precious people get hurt. Natsume/Tanuma.
1. Chapter 1

notes/warnings

+ this is a semi-alternate-universe fic, in which Natsume has his usual powers but also has to deal with living in a world where other people have other special abilities.

+ contains some minor own-characters by necessity, but I promise they won't be the focus of this fic, or eclipse any of the canon characters. any own-characters are solely for plot development.

+ diverges from anime canon around about season 4 episode 7. contains possible spoilers for all previous episodes.

+ this is a Natsume/Tanuma fic.

+ I tried to echo the narrative style of canon, so this fic may be a little more rambly and gentle and less plotty than my usual style. it still has plot, though. I promise.

+ warning for mild violence, alternating POV.

* * *

><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

Tanuma's earliest memory is of working in the temple. Tottering along behind his father and watching all the people come and go. He remembers sorting all the visitors into two broad categories; happy and worried. Even at that young age, he used to avoid the worried people.

Adults worried about confusing things, like taxes and work and love. And big things, like money and children. What could a child like him possibly do for a worried adult?

So he stayed silent and watched and hoped and prayed. Sometimes things got better. And sometimes they didn't. Sometimes people suffered. And then, the illness came to their little town. An awful contagious pneumonia that killed babies and hospitalised toddlers and spread like wildfire.

There were no happy adults, after that. Only worried ones, clutching limp-looking, pale-faced children. Only scared ones, who spoke to his father in hushed tones, and wept.

"I don't want any more kids to die," Tanuma told him, over dinner.

"That is not for you to decide," his father had replied.

Tanuma remembers one little girl, with strawberry-blonde hair and sad, pained eyes. He remembers the way her mother screamed, and got on her knees, and begged the gods for mercy. He remembers his father's words.

_Not more than three days left._

Nobody should ever have to die so young.

Something happened that night. Something important. Tanuma prayed for her to get better, over and over, clutching his pillow as he tossed and turned.

"Please," he whispered, clasping his hands together in front of his chest. "Please. Let her get better. I want her to be healthy again."

The next day, she got better. Not slowly and naturally. Instantaneously. As if the gods had listened.

It was then that Tanuma understood what he could do for worried adults.

* * *

><p><strong>Part One<strong>

A spirit shows up in Taki's house. Natsume goes promptly, heart in his throat, already gearing up for a fight. He's not a violent person by nature, but the more he cares for his friends, the less he tolerates the spirits that impact upon them.

Taki is his dear…his precious…his almost sisterly…

He can't form the words, even in his head. Taki is just important.

"You didn't have to run," she says, warmly. "I told you there was no hurry. Look, you've gotten a scratch on your arm."

"It's nothing," Natsume tells her impatiently, not even looking down. If he never fits in, if he never makes good, if he's useless and awkward until he dies, all of that will be acceptable if he can manage to protect his friends.

The spirit turns out to be the god of a peach orchard. He has curly red hair and pointy teeth and a huge golden scythe, but he speaks gently and does not threaten anyone. He is trying to find a way to stop his lands from being logged and sold as real estate.

"I knew your great grandmother," he tells Taki, wistfully. "Or maybe it was your great-great grandmother. Human lives are so short."

_I know_, Natsume thinks, wistfully.

Natsume is pretty powerless in the human world, especially against influential people like land developers. He and Taki tell the god that he must advise his spirit subjects to move on.

"It will mean that you'll get lots of new people visiting your shrine," Taki tells him. "Change can be a good thing."

Natsume doesn't always agree with that sentiment. It depends entirely on the type of change. There is definitely such a thing as bad change.

The rest of the day passes uneventfully. The god leaves, Natsume goes home, calls Tanuma, argues with Nyanko, eats dinner, and goes to bed. By the time he's drifting off to sleep, the scratch on his arm has healed completely.

* * *

><p>When Tanuma meets Natsume after school, he doesn't say 'why do you always take Taki with you, and never me'. He never says problematic things, because he doesn't want to make Natsume guilty or sad.<p>

Natsume can see, speak to, and interact with spirits. He's also very strong, able to fight off evil, able to defend the people he loves. He's everything Tanuma always wanted to be.

"I found a new fishing spot," Natsume announces, putting one hand on Tanuma's shoulder to better steer him through the forest.

"Ahem."

"_Teacher_ found a new fishing spot," Natsume corrects, with a wry, vulnerable little grin. "We tested it out yesterday. There are plenty of fish."

Tanuma isn't jealous of Natsume, because Natsume is amazing. He's kind and polite and softly spoken and noble-hearted. He's a hero. In fact, he's an honest-to-god superhero, saving society from unmentionable evil every single day, without anyone ever noticing.

Tanuma is lucky to be gifted with Natsume's secrets, Natsume's trust. He must never betray that confidence, no matter what. It is absolutely imperative that Natsume go on talking to him, sharing with him, mentioning all the tiny little details of his life.

Natsume doesn't tell Tanuma about the big things. Tanuma knows that. But sometimes, the small things are just as important.

Something has been bothering Natsume for a few days now, and Tanuma wants to know what it is.

"That sounds great," he replies, emphatically. Natsume's hand is still on his shoulder. Tanuma notices everything that Natsume does, like his every action is highlighted, underlined, magnified and bold font. Like there's a huge neon arrow right above his head, saying 'notice this person, this person is special'.

Natsume sees something on the lake, but he doesn't elaborate. He wants to keep the spirit world hidden from Tanuma. He doesn't consider that Tanuma is strong enough or competent enough to help him fight his battles.

And he's right. Tanuma is useless. The only thing he can do is be a good friend, a receptive friend.

"Well, whatever it is," Tanuma jokes, "it's scaring away the fish."

Natsume sighs and leans back against the tree.

"I need to bring home a good catch," he murmurs. "Touko needs the protein."

Tanuma notes the slight inflection in his voice, and suddenly Natsume's recent subdued mood makes sense.

"Is she not well?" he asks, quietly.

Natsume frowns.

"It's not a curse, or anything," he tells Tanuma. "It's just an ordinary flu. There isn't anything I can do to help."

Tanuma smiles, as warmly as he can manage, anything for Natsume.

"I'm sure she'll get better soon," he replies.

* * *

><p>That night, six spirits come to demand their names. Natsume returns the names willingly, without reluctance, but by morning he is completely exhausted.<p>

"Oh no," Touko says, clutching her apron. "I've given it to you, haven't I?"

Her voice sounds normal, and there's colour in her cheeks. Natsume feels a sudden rush of relief.

"You sound good," he says, tremulously.

Touko pushes the hair from his eyes, and smiles.

"Of course," she says, with exaggerated indignation. "I'm tough. Isn't that right, Shigeru?"

Shigeru laughs and brings his coffee mug to his lips. And Natsume stands there, between the two of them, feeling like part of a proper family.

* * *

><p>Natsume calls after school.<p>

"I was going to come and see you," he says. "But Natori has asked for my help sealing a powerful spirit. I can't refuse."

"Don't refuse," Tanuma agrees. The world needs Natsume, and Tanuma will support him until the very, very end. "Phone me when it's over?"

"I'll visit when it's over," Natsume tells him. "You shouldn't be alone when you're sick."

"It's just a headache," Tanuma lies. "Call, okay? And good luck with the spirit."

He doesn't add 'and don't get hurt', but he hopes Natsume hears it, anyway.

* * *

><p>Nothing happens for two days, and then Natsume gets into a fistfight with a strong, vengeful spirit.<p>

"I'll kill you," it hisses, reaching for him with oar-sized tentacles. "I'll eat you for daring to take my name, Reiko."

Nyanko isn't around. Nyanko is off drinking alcohol at some sort of spirit-festival. So Natsume fights alone, ducking and weaving and punching, not fast enough to get away, too out of breath to explain that he isn't his grandmother.

The spirit hits him under the ribs, and Natsume drops to his knees, winded. It occurs to him that he might be killed, right here and now.

He thinks of Tanuma, messy-haired and smiling and ever so slightly cross-eyed. He'd die for Tanuma in a heartbeat.

The spirit pins him to the ground, cackling gleefully.

"Give me the Book of Friends, Reiko," it purrs. "Give it to me, and I promise to eat you quickly."

Getting killed like this won't help Tanuma. Natsume struggles with all his might. He has to get up. He has to go on. He has to see his friends again.

It's no use. The spirit is too strong. It squeezes him hard, stifling his breathing.

"What's the matter?" it taunts, grinning. "Have you lost your powers, Reiko?"

"I'm," Natsume gasps. "I'm…not…"

"That is not Natsume Reiko," an unfamiliar voice supplies. "That is her descendant."

"Aoi," the tentacle-spirit snarls, whirling to face the newcomer. "Do you know this weakling?"

"I know of him," Aoi says, coldly. "I know he is not in possession of the Book of Friends. But go ahead and waste your time, if you wish."

Natsume cranes his neck to get a good look at Aoi. She has the form of a human woman, with hip-length blonde hair, and a mask that looks like the head of a fish.

And suddenly Natsume can breathe again. The tentacle-spirit goes slithering off into the underbrush, grumbling to itself.

"Thank you," Natsume gasps. "Wh-why did you lie?"

"I have nothing to say to you," Aoi informs him, and vanishes into thin air.

* * *

><p>"Where were you?" Taki asks, worriedly. "Tanuma and I waited at the store for ages, but you didn't come."<p>

"Did something happen with a spirit?" Tanuma asks.

"No," Natsume replies.

Tanuma knows he is lying, just the way he knows Natsume will probably tell Taki about it later.

* * *

><p>Natsume doesn't mean to choose between his friends. He honestly doesn't. Taki and Tanuma; there should be no difference at all. They both mean everything to him. They both make his heart ache, just thinking about them. Just thinking about the fact that Tanuma can get sick and Taki can get cursed and if he's not very very careful, he won't be able to protect them.<p>

They ought to be equivalent, but they're not. Taki is…elevated. She's reliable in ways that Tanuma isn't. Not for tangible reasons, but for intuitive ones. Whenever Tanuma learns something about the spirit world, Natsume is struck by the horrible vision that he's going to get seriously hurt.

Taki makes Natsume want to tell her things and treat her like an equal. Tanuma makes Natsume want to wrap around him and annihilate anything that approaches him.

There are very distinct boundaries in Natsume's mind. Topics that are safe, and topics that are not safe. He must only talk to Tanuma about ordinary things, like schoolwork and sports and whether he's feeling well. He wants Tanuma to have the life he can't have, to escape the world of spirits and be happy.

Natsume knows, intellectually, that one day Tanuma and Taki will probably be together. That's what boys and girls do. But for now, he wants to keep Tanuma as close as possible. He wants them to spend good times together, when neither of them is worried or afraid.

He wants to make the world a better place for Tanuma. So while he gives the appearance of caring for Taki more, it's really the opposite.

Tanuma walks him home, close enough that their shoulders touch, and gives him a sad little smile when they say goodbye.

* * *

><p>Sometimes, Tanuma's father looks curiously melancholy. Like he's worrying about some painful hidden thing, and Tanuma sometimes gets really sick and tired of people keeping secrets from him.<p>

"You're ill again," he observes, resting his hand on the mattress. He never touches Tanuma, because he's not an affectionate sort of person. And maybe that's part of the reason that Tanuma finds Natsume so utterly entrancing.

"It's only a headache," Tanuma answers, and it's the truth this time.

"I had hoped that by this age you would be stronger," his father says, heavily. And then his gaze becomes unfocused and the corners of his mouth turn down. "Do you remember how your mother died?"

Tanuma sighs.

"I don't have a brain tumour," he says, as gently as he can manage. "You know this, dad. We had all the scans done last year."

"You have a predisposition," his father argues. "On both sides of the family. I'm going to make another appointment, just in case."

A doctor's visit will be inconvenient, but Tanuma can handle it.

"I'm not scared of illness, dad," he says, reassuringly.

"I know," his father replies.

* * *

><p>"Those weren't tentacles," Nyanko says, licking at his paw. "Those were flagellae. That thing was a very old spirit that is said to have originated from bacteria and other microscopic creatures. You're lucky you got away with a few bruises."<p>

"I didn't, though," Natsume says, yanking up his shirt and examining his own bare stomach. "The bruises are gone."

Nyanko gives Natsume a long, withering stare.

"And you're complaining about this?" he asks, skeptically.

"No," Natsume replies. "It's just strange, that's all."

* * *

><p>The weather is fine, so they spend the afternoon outdoors, studying under the trees. Natsume helps Tanuma with mathematics, head bowed over the textbook, utterly focused. Tanuma fights down the awkward, inappropriate urge to touch his face.<p>

"I think you divide by three here," Natsume says, softly. "And then…wait, let me check how I solved this equation."

He's the hero of the town – maybe even the hero of Japan – and he still finds time to help his friends.

Natsume is more than just a really great guy. He gives Tanuma purpose. Tanuma can put all his time and energy into Natsume and _know_ that they'll be well-invested, no matter what. Personality doesn't even come into it, really. He could hate Natsume, and still know that this is the right thing to do.

Natsume groans and tips his head to one side, accidentally brushing his forehead against Tanuma's shoulder.

"I don't know. It made sense to me at the time," he says, dejectedly. "Oh, wait, is that a logarithm? I think it is."

Tanuma touches his hair, just briefly. He is so far from hating Natsume that it's kind of ridiculous.

Today is a good day.

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry for leaving so quickly," Natsume says, bowing lower than is necessary. "I might not be back for dinner, either."<p>

Touko smiles.

"I'm glad you're spending so much time with Tooru," she says, cheerfully. "She's such a nice girl."

"She's great," Natsume agrees, even though he feels a little strange saying it out loud. He's going to see Natori. Again. This time it's an honest-to-god demon, so strong that even Taki's limited power will be beneficial.

He wants to tell Touko that Tanuma is great, too, but he doesn't. Instead he comforts himself with the knowledge that Tanuma is safe at home and nothing bad can happen to him.

* * *

><p>When Natsume visits, Tanuma doesn't pretend not to know where he's been.<p>

"Did you manage to seal it?"

Natsume regards the ground.

"Taki told you," he says, quietly.

Tanuma raises an eyebrow.

"Was it a secret?" he asks, fighting down a wave of panic. He doesn't want Natsume to start keeping even _more_ secrets from him.

"Not really," Natsume says, flopping down on the floor. "I just don't like talking about it, that's all."

He looks downcast and completely exhausted. The collar of his shirt is torn. The demon apparently put up quite a fight.

"I wish I could help you," Tanuma replies, wistfully. "I wish I could be of some use to you."

Natsume frowns at him.

"What are you talking about?" he asks, confused. "I don't understand."

"Don't worry about it," Tanuma says, forcing a smile. He should never have said it in the first place. "I'm going to make some tea, and you're going to tell me how Touko and Shigeru are, okay?"

"Okay," Natsume replies, the tension easing from his voice. "You look well today. I'm glad."

"I'm glad to have you here," Tanuma says, and then walks away quickly before he can say anything else stupid.

* * *

><p>Natsume washes up after dinner and Touko lauds him with praise, as if he's doing her some tremendous favour instead of clumsily trying to express his own overwhelming gratitude.<p>

"Ever since you started living here, things have been better," she enthuses. "Why, I was saying to Shigeru just this morning how much healthier I've been feeling."

"I'm glad," Natsume replies, automatically. But something doesn't feel quite right, so he presses further. "Did you used to be ill, Touko?"

"Oh, I used to get these headaches all the time," she says, waving one hand in the air as if to brush the very thought of them aside. "But they've eased up recently. I think you're making me younger, Takashi."

"That's good," Natsume says, sounding far more cheerful than he actually feels.

_That's strange._

He needs to talk to Nyanko, and soon.

* * *

><p>Tanuma spends the evening playing board games with Kitamoto. He learned from an early age to treasure the days when he feels healthy, so he always tries to do as much as possible.<p>

"Natsume was commenting that you've lost weight again," Kitamoto says, conversationally. "I have to say, I'm a little surprised that you get sick so frequently."

Tanuma narrows his eyes ever so slightly.

"Why?" he asks. He likes Kitamoto. Kitamoto is a kind person, and a good friend to Natsume.

"Was I wrong?" Kitamoto asks, curiously. "Your father was the priest in Emukae, right? During that time when-"

"I wouldn't know," Tanuma says, politely. "He doesn't talk about Emukae."

Kitamoto is respectful enough to abandon the subject.

"Oh," he says, nodding. "Sorry for bringing it up."

"It's fine," Tanuma answers, smiling.

"Natsume does talk about you all the time, though," Kitamoto adds. "Please be careful with your health.

"Wh-what?" Tanuma stammers. "What does he say?"

Kitamoto laughs.

"Ask him yourself."

* * *

><p>"Is it possible," Natsume asks, carefully, "that there is a spirit watching over this house?"<p>

"It's possible," Nyanko confirms. "Spirits can more or less do whatever they want."

"_Is_ there a spirit guarding this house?" Natsume presses, because sometimes talking to his bodyguard is like pulling teeth.

"Not that I know about. Why? Did something happen?"

Natsume sits down on the floor.

"For several months now," he says, slowly, "pretty much every wound I get has healed up within a day. Touko's headaches have decreased. And Shigeru's cold stopped after two days even though he swears they always last for at least a week."

"So?"

"So, I think there's a spirit healing us. And I don't know why, or what it wants."

"I'll tell you if I see anyone hanging around," Nyanko tells him, boredly. "But I think you're imagining things. Everyone has good luck some of the time. Even you."

* * *

><p>The three of them attend a festival, with Nishimura and Kitamoto and Sasada in tow. Tanuma spends most of his time talking quietly with Taki. He's unwilling to talk to Kitamoto, and he's not really familiar with the other two. And he's…he's maybe avoiding speaking with Natsume right now.<p>

He can't ask. He doesn't know why. He just can't.

At the end of the day, Natsume grabs Tanuma's wrist and tugs him forward until the two of them are walking side by side.

"Are you okay?" he asks, and it's dark, and the sky is kind of pretty, and Tanuma feels dizzy.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry. There's nothing in any of my grandfather's books about healing spirits. I checked everywhere."<p>

Natsume spends a lot of time talking to Taki. She doesn't know about the Book of Friends, of course, but she knows about his day-to-day dealings. He doesn't have to hold back the way he does when he's talking to Tanuma. He can relax and talk somewhat openly and know that Taki will listen.

So it's entirely illogical, the way he wants to be with Tanuma right now.

"That's okay," Natsume replies. "Thank you for trying."

"This is really worrying you, isn't it?" she asks, pushing her bangs out of her face.

"If there is a spirit," Natsume says, quietly, "then it is trying to go unnoticed. And it is powerful enough to hide from Teacher. That worries me."

Taki smiles and touches his shoulder. Her hand is small and warm and her touch is ordinary, not like Tanuma's, and Natsume doesn't really understand why one of his precious friends is so different to the other.

"But there's a positive side, too, right?" she points out. "Touko and Shigeru will be protected."

"Yeah," Natsume agrees. He doesn't want the spirit to stop, exactly. He just wants to know what is going on.

* * *

><p>A few days later, a spirit attacks Natsume and Taki on the way home from school.<p>

"What was it?" Tanuma asks, cradling the phone in his hand.

"Just…an ordinary spirit," Natsume replies, evasively. He'll say more if Tanuma presses. But if Tanuma presses too much, he might stop talking to Tanuma completely.

"Are you okay?" Tanuma asks. It's his standard question.

"I'm fine," Natsume assures him. "Taki sprained her ankle, though."

"Sometimes those heal up in a few days," Tanuma muses. "Still, maybe I should call her and see how she's going."

"She's doing better than the spirit," Natsume says, his voice uncharacteristically fierce. Tanuma smiles at the empty room.

"You're a good friend," he says, affectionately.

He still hasn't asked.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe it," Taki says, cheerily. "This morning when I woke up, I could walk perfectly. No pain at all."<p>

"I'm glad," Natsume replies, fighting to keep the tremor from his voice.

The healing spirit isn't just guarding his home. It is guarding his _friends_.

Secretive or not, Natsume is suddenly very relieved to have it around.

* * *

><p>"Sick <em>again<em>?" Nishimura teases. "I think you're just faking it to skip class."

Tanuma laughs and pulls himself up on his elbows. Natsume pokes him Nishimura in the side.

"Don't say things like that," he says, crossly, and then smiles at Tanuma. "I'm sorry for bringing them along."

"It's no bother," Tanuma replies, hurriedly. "It's good to have visitors."

Natsume sits down on the edge of the bed, his posture stiff enough that he doesn't actually make contact with Tanuma's side.

"I brought you today's notes," Kitamoto says, handing Tanuma a binder full of papers.

"Thanks," Tanuma replies, gratefully. "Sorry for asking so much of you."

"It's fine," Kitamoto replies, grinning and sort of pushing Natsume towards him. Tanuma's gratitude evaporates almost instantaneously, and he glares at Kitamoto balefully.

He tries to ignore how warm Natsume feels. He doesn't need to be any more infatuated than he already is.

"I'm jealous of you," Nishimura announces. "At this rate you'll have to repeat the grade, and you'll get to spend another year relaxing at school while we tackle the real world."

Kitamoto smacks him.

"You can't say things like _that_," he hisses.

Natsume laughs.

"Have you two decided on your career choices yet?" he asks. "Last I heard, Nishimura was going to become a butcher."

"Nope," Nishimura announces, smacking Kitamoto right back. "We're going to live with his grandmother in Tokyo, and study business."

Natsume raises an eyebrow.

"You've got it all worked out," he says. "I'm impressed."

"Taki is totally going to live with us too!" Nishimura insists, but Natsume doesn't seem to be listening. He stares at his hands.

"I still don't know what I'm going to do," he says, quietly, just to Tanuma.

There's no excuse for what Tanuma says next. Not the pain he's feeling, or the fact that he's tired, or his proximity to Natsume. No excuse at all.

"We should go to the same college and rent an apartment together. That would be fun."

His only saving grace is that he sounds light-hearted. Because he's asking…he's practically _asking_…

Natsume stares at him, like he's temporarily forgotten how to form words.

"I'm sorry," Tanuma says. "That was too presumptuous."

"No," Natsume manages, shaking his head violently. "That was…that would be good."

"Are we interrupting something?" Kitamoto asks jovially, looking right at Tanuma. Tanuma gives up and looks away, thoroughly embarrassed.

Natsume puts a hand on his shoulder and leaves it there for the rest of the evening, though, and that makes it difficult to worry much about anything.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ stuff will happen soon, I promise!

+ also the title will actually become relevant

+ thank you for reading


	2. Chapter 2

notes/warnings

+ the plot is still rambly and gentle.

+ I couldn't figure out the time period in which canon is set. I suspect it's actually several decades ago, so this fic can also be considered an AU in that people have mobile phones. other than the phones I've tried to leave out all references to technology, so as not to make the story disjointed.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Two<strong>

The evening kind of passes in a blur, and Natsume falls asleep with Tanuma's words repeating over and over in his head. In the morning, he gets dressed on autopilot and can barely muster up a few syllables in response to Shigeru's attempts at conversation.

He feels alien and unwieldy, like he's been stuffed too full of happiness. He touches the book of friends and for the first time in his life imagines actually summoning the spirits listed there.

"I want something to guard him," he says, quietly. "The way you guard me."

"Won't that just give him a headache?" Nyanko argues. "You're in a pretty ridiculous mood today, you know."

Natsume walks to Tanuma's house instead of school. He really doesn't care if he gets into trouble. He just wants to see his friend again, and hear Tanuma talk about college and living together like it actually might happen.

Natsume would do anything for Tanuma. Anything, anything, anything.

The more Natsume cares for someone, the more he wants to sacrifice things for them. People show him kindness, and he is driven to repay them in turn. But it's more than that, this time. He wants to be _near_ Tanuma. He wants to get a job and help people and deal with spirits in the afternoon and come home to Tanuma asleep on the couch. And the mere thought of a life like that is enough to make him stop in his tracks, overwhelmed with how wonderful it feels.

Nyanko promptly runs into his legs, and calls him an idiot.

When they arrive at Tanuma's house, Natsume surprised to find his friend shuffling awkwardly around the garden. He's also struck momentarily stupid.

"Hi," he squeaks, eventually. "Are you feeling better?"

Tanuma flinches, clearly startled, and Natsume kind of wants to hide.

"I didn't mean to scare you," he says, quickly.

"Natsume," Tanuma says, slowly. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at school?"

"I'm not going to school today," Natsume says, and the words sounded an awful lot better inside his head. "I'm visiting you, instead."

Tanuma shakes his head.

"I'm fine," he says. "You should-"

"But you're not well. You can't even walk properly!" Natsume protests. He hates seeing Tanuma so debilitated. Tanuma deserves to be healthy all the time.

"Hey, I'm _good_ at not being well," Tanuma says, smiling slightly. "It's a natural state for me. Besides, I can't have you failing class on my account."

Disappointment hits Natsume like a blow to the stomach, crushing his happy little daydream-world into pieces. He's still awkward and he's still bad at dealing with people and Tanuma doesn't even really want him around.

Natsume wonders what he was actually expecting, coming here today. It's like he wanted the world to change, just because Tanuma said…

It doesn't matter.

"You're right," he says, wearily. "I should go."

He turns on his heel with a heavy heart, and is thrown off balance when Tanuma grabs a handful of his shirt.

"Hey," Tanuma says, quietly. "Do you want to stay over tonight?"

"Oh," Natsume says, lost. "Um."

Tanuma glances at Nyanko.

"We're having squid for dinner," he says, casually.

Nyanko actually _sparkles_.

"Squid! Squid! We're coming back here, Natsume, right?"

"I guess," Natsume says, uneasily.

"I'm glad," Tanuma replies, and it's hard to feel miserable when he's smiling like that. "It's, um. It's always good to have you around."

And Natsume almost forgot, for a moment there, that Tanuma is as bad at this as he is. He really shouldn't be so quick to feel sad.

Tanuma releases his grip on Natsume and frowns.

"Where's your coat?"

"I forgot it," Natsume explains, stupidly.

"He's been pretty dumb today," Nyanko adds. "I'm surprised nothing has eaten him."

"Don't joke about that," Tanuma chides. He tugs off his own coat and hands it to Natsume.

"Here. Bring it back tonight, okay?"

"I don't want you to get cold!" Natsume says, anxiously. Tanuma's immune system is already so poor, and the wind is sharp and bitter.

Natsume just didn't notice it until a moment ago.

"I have more inside," Tanuma says, easily. "You should hurry, or you'll be late."

"Oh," Natsume murmurs, unable to think of anything else to say. "Yeah. Okay. But…you go inside now."

"Deal," Tanuma says, and taps his knuckles against the back of Natsume's hand.

* * *

><p>Natsume ambles off into the distance, and Tanuma watches him go. He's dwarfed by Tanuma's coat, and Tanuma regrets not having anything smaller to offer him. He'd do anything for Natsume but he's limited, as always, by his own wretched shortcomings.<p>

He waits until Natsume is out of sight before he goes inside.

That was close. That was way too close.

* * *

><p>"You're humming," Nyanko complains. "Idiot."<p>

"Sorry," Natsume replies, entirely unabashed. "It's just…this is a good coat."

"Is he important to you?"

Natsume stops dead and Nyanko hisses, hackles raised. It's her. It's the spirit from before. The one with the fish mask.

"What are you doing here?" Natsume asks, carefully. "Are you following me?"

"You came to my river," she says, haughtily. "I can do whatever I want. Now, answer my question. Is that other child important to you?"

Natsume balls his hand into a fist, suddenly on edge.

"Leave him alone," he says, tensely. "He has nothing to do with spirits or demons or supernatural things."

"But he's important to you," Aoi presses, sitting down neatly on a low fence and crossing her legs.

"If you hurt him, I swear, I'll…I'll seal you."

"My, my."

"Go away, fish," Nyanko yells, waving a paw at her aggressively. "Stop tormenting my main course."

Aoi seems to consider him for a moment.

"I guess I can leave, for now," she says, shrugging. "But, grandson of Reiko, I won't be very far away."

She disappears in a flurry of fish-scale shaped sparkles.

"That was vexing," Nyanko says, rubbing at his face. "But you don't really need to worry about her. Fish spirits are kind of obsessive, but they're mostly harmless."

"She saved me," Natsume says, staring at the spot where Aoi had been sitting. "She saved me from that bacteria-spirit, Teacher."

"Call it a sickness-spirit," Nyanko suggests, pedantically. "It's more correct."

Natsume rolls his eyes.

"That's not the point," he says, slowly, because things are starting to fall into place. "The point is, she practically told me that she's deliberately staying close to me."

"And?"

"You're so annoying," Natsume retorts, but his mind is racing. A spirit is watching over him. And he knows a spirit is protecting his family and friends.

_Is it you, Aoi? Could it possibly be you?_

* * *

><p>Natsume does not visit after school, and Tanuma spends a great deal of the evening sitting by the phone with his head in his hands, worrying.<p>

He knows Natsume often gets busy, often has things come up at very short notice. And he's comforted by the fact that he can't reach Taki either, because that means she's probably with him, but still.

Tanuma worries. At times like this, he really worries. He _needs_ to know what is going on.

Sometimes, he hates the fact that he's so weak. He hates that he can't see spirits, or draw circles, or do _anything_. He hates that Natsume leaves him behind.

"Kaname," his father says, quietly. "I'm going to get dinner from the store. Are you hungry?"

Tanuma tries to smile. He doesn't want to trouble his father. He doesn't want his father to be scared and miserable, like he was that time in Emukae.

"Yeah," he replies. "Bring me something fried?"

Tanuma is not the least bit hungry.

* * *

><p>By the time Natsume gets home, Touko and Shigeru are beside themselves. Natsume feels horrible, because he knows. This is what he does. He hurts the people he cares about.<p>

Tanuma probably went to bed hours ago.

"I'm sorry," he says, hanging his head. "I was playing board games with Nishimura, and I lost track of time."

In truth, he was trying desperately to stop an age-old feud between two spirit clans. Natsume can never stand to see people getting pointlessly hurt, regardless of whether those people are spirits or humans.

He's attached to both worlds. But.

"You threatened to seal that fish-girl," Nyanko points out, as Natsume is crawling into bed. "You've never threatened a neutral spirit before."

"She wasn't neutral," Natsume argues. "She was threatening to bother Tanuma."

Nyanko jumps onto the futon and settles next to Natsume's shoulder.

"It's freezing outside," he comments. "But it's quite warm in this room. Do you really need to wear that coat to bed?"

"Go to sleep," Natsume orders, ignoring the question entirely.

* * *

><p>Sometimes, it's hard to find things to say. Sometimes Tanuma is scared of opening his mouth. There's always the possibility that he'll blurt out something horribly wrong and damaging. But if he <em>doesn't<em> speak, then Natsume is just going to apologise for the thirtieth time and if that happens Tanuma's heart is possibly going to break.

It's fine. Really, it's fine. It's fine because Natsume is here now, because Natsume is safe, because Natsume has to be a hero and Tanuma has to support him. It's fine because Tanuma can't ever possibly ask him to stop sacrificing himself, to slow down and breathe and have the life he wants.

Actually, Tanuma has no idea what sort of life Natsume wants. He picks up a discarded catalogue from the recycling bin and leafs through it, searching for a topic of conversation. He wants to treasure every second they have together, as best he can.

"I'm definitely staying over tomorrow night," Natsume says, decisively.

"If something comes up, you can stay the next night," Tanuma suggests. "Hey, this is really ugly."

He holds up the page, indicating a cheap-looking plastic dining table painted in an eye-gouging shade of green.

"Hm?" Natsume says, leaning over him, momentarily distracted. "Ha. It sure is. It looks like something Nishimura would buy if he was ever allowed to go shopping on his own."

Natsume grins, and Tanuma takes a moment to be thoroughly proud of himself.

"He will be allowed, soon," he muses. "We're all growing up, right?"

Tanuma searches for something funny to say, trying to hang on to Natsume's smile for as long as possible.

"Hey, _we_ should get one of these," he suggests, cheerfully. "When we get our apartment. It can be a statement that we are independent. And also colour-blind."

Natsume positively beams at him. Tanuma wants to kiss him so much that it actually _hurts_.

Not that he ever would. He never would.

"Yeah," Natsume says, emphatically. "Let's do that."

* * *

><p>The next spirit is barely a few days old, born from the well-worn tar on the road. He has a tendency to throw tantrums and unwittingly destroy buildings in his rage.<p>

Natsume likes the good spirits. The ones who only do bad things because they've made mistakes. The ones who are trying to find their way gently through this beautiful world.

And the world is beautiful. Natsume wants to live in it for a very long time. The longer he lives, the more he cares for people, the longer he wants to stay.

And yet, paradoxically, the more he is driven to sacrifice anything – _anything_ – to protect his friends.

At one point the spirit lashes out and knocks Taki off her feet. Natsume's heart plummets, just like every other time she's gotten hurt. He's partway through his usual guilt-ridden self-loathing vicious internal monologue when he remembers, abruptly, that the bruise on her knee will be completely gone by tomorrow.

* * *

><p>Sometimes, Tanuma catches his father staring at him. Sadly. Like Tanuma is going to do something terrible one day.<p>

Tanuma knows what happened the day his mother died. He knows that all the doctors said brain tumour, that the autopsy said brain tumour.

It was so long ago, Tanuma was only a baby. But his parents had been happy, up until that night. His parents had been celebrating, because…

It doesn't matter now.

Tanuma knows how his mother died. He's known all along.

* * *

><p>Like clockwork, the next day, Taki's knee is healed.<p>

"I tried to stay awake last night," she tells Natsume, voice low and a little bit excited. "I wanted to see how it looked when it was changing. But I guess I fell asleep."

"Did you sense anything?" Natsume asks her. He's feeling pretty good about this, actually. For once, a spirit is doing something for him. And this is a big deal. This is a spirit seeking to protect and defend Natsume's most precious, beloved people.

This is wonderful. Natsume hasn't felt this relieved – or this _good_ – since that day in the hospital when Touko and Shigeru came to take him home.

"Nothing," Taki replies. "What are you going to do with this spirit if you find them?"

As a rule, Natsume doesn't like spirits who interfere with his friends.

But.

"Thank them, I guess," Natsume says, thoughtfully.

"Oy!" Nishimura yells, rushing over to them. "Natsume! What are you doing?"

Natsume blinks at his friend. Did Nishimura hear anything? No, he couldn't possibly have heard anything. Natsume's secret is safe with Taki.

His secrets are always safe with Taki.

"Nothing?" Natsume ventures. He's just an ordinary boy, having an ordinary conversation with his ordinary friend.

Nishimura grabs him roughly, dragging him a few feet away from Taki.

"You had your hand on her _knee_," he accuses, in a stage-whisper that Taki can almost definitely hear.

Natsume laughs and laughs and laughs.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you for reading

+ also, feedback and concrit are welcome


	3. Chapter 3

notes/warnings

+ sorry this update is late.

+ I actually don't have any extra warnings for this chapter. \o/

* * *

><p><strong>Part Three<strong>

On Friday after school they go walking in the forest, just the two of them. Tanuma hasn't visited the forest in ages. Natsume always worries when he comes here.

These past few days, Natsume has seemed a lot happier. The tiny frown line between his eyebrows has almost completely disappeared. Tanuma doesn't understand why, but he hopes that it's something permanent.

Natsume always deserves to be happy. If Tanuma could do something to make him happy, no matter what it cost, he would do it in a heartbeat.

As it is, he does what he can. He used to want to try and protect the whole world. Now he just wants to protect his precious friend.

"And it turned out we were on an anthill, so we had to get up quickly and find another place to sit. It was too late to save the cakes, though."

Natsume is talking about Shigeru. Apparently they went biking up in the mountains after school yesterday, and Natsume can't stop saying good things about his almost-father.

Natsume has an almost-father, an almost-mother, and an almost-bodyguard. Tanuma doesn't want him to have almost-friends. He and Taki, they have to go all the way. They have to break that barrier, and be worthy of Natsume's trust.

Taki, of course, can go further than Tanuma. She's closer to Natsume. Tanuma will have to do his best to foster their relationship and not get jealous. If she can stay with Natsume – platonically or…or more than platonically – then he'll be much better off for it.

This isn't about what Tanuma wants.

"That's tragic," he answers, lightly. "Touko's cakes are too good to waste on ants."

"I agree," Natsume says. "And they were…_Tanuma, look out!_"

Natsume is suddenly distressed, suddenly shoving Tanuma violently towards the edge of the path. Something is here. Something bad. Tanuma doesn't have time to respond before he's picked up by the invisible thing and tossed backwards. He lands on his arm with a painful _crunch_, but he's too concerned for Natsume to care.

"You again," Natsume says, seemingly to the empty forest. "What do you want?"

Tanuma struggles back to his feet, but he's useless, blind to whatever this new monster might be. His head aches. This thing is evil. Natsume punches the empty air, throwing a frightened glance in Tanuma's direction.

"I'm fine," Tanuma tells him, quickly. "What can I do to help?"

Natsume is lifted off the ground. He looks like he's levitating. Stupidly, Tanuma rushes towards him.

There's never anything that he can do.

"Get away!" Natsume yells. "Stay back!"

Tanuma stops, mid-stride. Of course. Of course he's being left out.

"Don't you dare," Natsume tells the spirit. "If you hurt him, I will kill you, I swear."

He sounds so different when he's talking to spirits. So forceful and confident. He's used to them. He's used to these things that try to hurt him, that try to eat him, that ruined his life for so long. He's not used to humans.

There are noises behind them. Something else is here. Natsume is slammed against a tree, and Tanuma desperately wants to help him.

"Ponta!" he shouts. "Over here!"

He has to hope. The cat always saves Natsume. Always.

Tanuma doesn't see anything, but a great wind picks up, whipping his hair around his face. A moment later Natsume drops to the ground.

"That thing was a lot stronger than I expected it to be," Ponta announces, appearing out of nowhere.

"What was it?" Tanuma asks, in a rush. "Is it gone now? Are you okay, Natsume?"

"Don't ever come towards me," Natsume tells him, fiercely. "If there's a spirit, just…just run away. Please."

Tanuma doesn't answer. He doesn't want to promise to leave Natsume behind. He doesn't want to _be_ left behind.

"Your arm," Ponta says, suddenly. "You're bleeding."

Tanuma glances down. Blood is soaking through the sleeve of his white shirt.

"Oh," he says, quietly. He's actually starting to feel a bit faint.

* * *

><p>Natsume sits hunched on the floor next to Tanuma's bed. He doesn't remember much of how they got here. The whole afternoon is a blur; frantically trying to bandage Tanuma's arm with his handkerchief, shouting at Nyanko, bodily dragging Tanuma through street after near-deserted street. And the look on Tanuma's father's face when they finally arrived at the house, like he'd been expecting the worst.<p>

Tanuma is all the family his father has, and Natsume should never have allowed him to get hurt. Every time, he promises himself that he'll shield Tanuma from the spirit world entirely. And every time, he fails.

"It seems like the sickness spirit has taken an interest in you," Nyanko says, thoughtfully, like everything is fine and they're having an ordinary casual discussion. "But it didn't seem to be after the Book of Friends."

"It doesn't think I own the Book of Friends," Natsume replies, not lifting his head from his knee. "It just said that it wanted to eat me."

"That's no good," Nyanko replies. "I'll have to keep an even closer eye on you now. You're so troublesome."

"So you didn't kill it?" Natsume asks. "It will come back?"

"Primitive spirits are difficult to kill."

"I'll try to talk to Natori," Natsume resolves. "He might know of a way to seal it."

Nyanko tilts his head.

"Did this sickness spirit look identical to the first one you met?" he enquires.

Natsume thinks.

"More or less. Why? Do you think there might be more than one?"

"Who knows?" Nyanko answers, and wanders off to look for food.

Natsume leans back against the bed. If this spirit is going to follow him, then he's going to have to spend less time with Tanuma. He can't take that risk. Tanuma could have been killed today, and oh god, Natsume doesn't even want to _think_ about that.

Tanuma is just a person. Just a sweet, gentle, precious person. Natsume cannot let anything happen to him.

"I'm sorry," he says, softly, even though he knows Tanuma is sleeping. "I'm really sorry."

He's so bad at this. He's bad at being around humans. He's bad at caring about people.

An hour drags past before Tanuma wakes up. He rouses quietly, eyelids fluttering, and Natsume puts a hand on his shoulder.

"Stay still," he urges. "Please don't hurt yourself."

Tanuma gingerly touches his arm.

"Natsume," he rumbles, sleepily. "What are you doing here?"

"Making sure you're okay," Natsume says. "The cut is deep, but not deep enough to need stitches. Just try and rest for a few days."

"I'm good at that," Tanuma jokes. "Sorry for passing out."

Natsume shakes his head hard, so that his own hair slaps against his face.

"It's fine," he insists, voice shaky. He puts his fingers in Tanuma's hair before he can stop himself, still haunted by the possibility of what might have happened.

He's dangerous. His life is full of spirits and blood and pain and dying. How could he ever have considered living with Tanuma? It would be even worse than living with Touko and Shigeru. Tanuma would constantly be getting headaches, constantly be getting hurt.

"You're not fine," Tanuma notes, a rare moment of brutal honesty. Natsume sort of wants to push his face into the mattress and cry for a while, but he can't impose on his friend.

"Tell me about the table," he says, resting his head against the wall.

"What table?" Tanuma asks, puzzled.

"Our table. The green plastic table that we're going to buy."

"Ah," Tanuma says, shifting a little under the covers. "Well, clearly it's going to be poorly made, so it will probably be all rickety and unstable. We'll probably have to jam newspaper under one leg just to stop it from wobbling. And it will probably be horribly stained, right? From soy sauce and coffee."

"Yeah," Natsume agrees, closing his eyes. He can't. He can't have that future. Not unless he loses his powers, or unless…

…unless the healing spirit stays in his life forever.

It occurs to Natsume that Tanuma will be better by tomorrow. He feels a little of the tension in his shoulders ease. Things will be okay.

Maybe. Maybe he can have that future.

"What kind of coffee?" he asks, smiling a little. And even though it's a stupid question, Tanuma indulges him.

* * *

><p>Natsume stays the night. In the morning, Tanuma finds him curled up in a ball on the futon, fast asleep. Tanuma is glad to see him actually resting. Sometimes he worries that Natsume stays awake all night, every night, just helping spirits and planning new ways to save the world.<p>

Ponta is awake, perched on Natsume's hip, watching Tanuma with an odd sort of clarity.

"Good morning," Tanuma says, politely.

"Morning," Ponta replies, haughtily. Then he glances at his charge. "Natsume is pretty special, isn't he?"

"Yes," Tanuma agrees, without hesitation. Ponta grins at him.

"Being able to see spirits is a special ability," he continues, rather unnecessarily. "It's amazing, sometimes, the things that humans can do."

Tanuma laughs, quietly.

"You're making me feel bad for being such a wimp," he says, easily, even though Ponta seems to be staring right through him.

"You're an interesting kid, aren't you?"

It's not exactly a surprise that the cat-spirit is suspicious of him. Tanuma has sort of known for a while. That's okay. Tanuma is pretty sure that Ponta's real goal centres squarely on protecting Natsume. He can sympathise.

"Natsume is going to be upset when he wakes up," Ponta adds. "Consider yourself warned."

Tanuma wants to ask what he's talking about, but suddenly Natsume is sitting up and rubbing his eyes and the conversation is well and truly over.

"Hey," Tanuma says, gently, kindly, in case Ponta wasn't lying.

Natsume looks ruffled. His bangs sticking out from his head at strange angles, and there are dark circles under his eyes. He meets Tanuma's eyes, briefly, and then sort of throws himself on the bed.

"Whoa," Tanuma says. "Are you okay?"

"Stay still," Natsume mutters, deftly taking Tanuma's wrist and pushing back his sleeve. It's more intimate than their usual fistbump, their standard cursory hand-on-shoulder, and Tanuma's heart is suddenly pounding against his chest.

The wound. For some reason, Natsume is just checking the wound.

"It's still there," Natsume says, sounding genuinely shocked.

"Well, yeah," Tanuma manages. The cut is huge. It will probably take at least a week to heal, and that's if he's lucky and doesn't get an infection.

It probably won't scar, though. Tanuma almost never scars.

Natsume jumps back, like he's been burned, and this is obviously one of his many many secrets, because Tanuma has no idea what is going on.

"This isn't right," Natsume says, and he sounds like he's going to cry.

"Wait," Tanuma says, fumbling, trying to prop himself up on his good arm. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Natsume replies. He looks horribly unwell. "I have to go."

* * *

><p>"Why Taki, and not Tanuma?" Natsume asks, angrily. He wants to kick something. He wants to find the healing spirit and shout at it. "Everyone else gets healed overnight. Why not him?"<p>

"Dunno," Nyanko replies. "Maybe you just don't care about him enough?"

Natsume blanches.

_No. _That would be the worst thing ever. Tanuma is his…important…darling…he doesn't have words for it. Tanuma breaks his heart all the time. He can't not care enough. If he cares any more he's going to explode from caring.

"Do you really think so?" he chokes.

"No," Nyanko snaps. "I was joking. Geeze."

Natsume pushes his hands over his face.

"But if he's missing out on being healed because of _me_…and he's the one who needs it more than any of us…"

"Look, I don't give a damn about you or any other human, and even I can tell that Tanuma is the centre of your sad little universe," Nyanko informs him. "Settle down. If there really is a healing spirit involved, then it's probably just not powerful enough to tackle Tanuma's myriad of illnesses."

Natsume looks up.

"That's not fair," he declares. "I would rather that they leave me to suffer, and do what they can for _him_."

"That's a fairly useless desire, unless you can actually find this thing and talk to it."

"Right," Natsume says, nodding.

He's _definitely_ going to find Natori today. For Tanuma.

* * *

><p>Taki comes to visit, which always does wonders for Tanuma's mood. She's thoughtful and generous and relatively uncomplicated. They buy sweets from the local store and sit in Tanuma's backyard, throwing stones in the general direction of the pond that neither of them can see.<p>

They chat about nothing for a while, and then Tanuma finally gives up and asks.

"Is something going on with Natsume?"

Taki blinks at him, then avoids his eyes.

"You know I can't answer that," she says, quietly.

Tanuma knows. They agreed, shortly after the debacle with Omibashira. When Natsume first started leaving Tanuma out of everything. They agreed that Taki would be his confidante and Tanuma wouldn't hold that against her.

"I know, I know," Tanuma says, rubbing at his eyes. "It just seems weird. It's like he was expecting my arm to heal overnight."

Nothing heals that quickly. Tanuma knows that.

"I really can't tell you anything," Taki says, sympathetically.

And Tanuma doesn't want to put her in this position, but sometimes he gets so exhausted with being the third wheel, with being the incompetent one, with never getting any answers.

"Fine," he replies, almost without thinking. "Does Natsume talk about me a lot?"

Tanuma's hands start to shake. He said it. He actually said it, and now Taki is going to _answer_ and he's going to have to handle the truth, whatever it might be.

"Yes," Taki says, simply, and then stares at him. "Anything else you want to ask?"

Tanuma ducks his head, hides behind his bangs

"No," he answers, hoarsely.

* * *

><p>"This isn't <em>fair<em>," Aoi snarls, grappling with the paper doll. "If you want to talk to someone, you're supposed to _ask nicely_."

Ordinarily, Natsume would apologise. He'd shrug and say 'your name isn't in the Book of Friends and I needed to speak to you. I'm sorry, but there was no other way'. Or maybe he'd leave out that first part, because Natori is standing right beside him, but he'd still be polite and deferential.

Today isn't an ordinary day. Today, Natsume is angry.

"Why aren't you protecting Tanuma?" he demands.

Aoi ceases struggling and tips her head quizzically.

"Again with the Tanuma," she huffs. "Is he really so special that you have to talk about him all the time?"

Natsume feels the blood rush to his face, even though he has no good reason to be embarrassed. He wants to argue with Aoi, wants to berate her for mocking his friend. But he doesn't have time. The summoning only lasts for five minutes.

"Just tell me why you aren't healing him," he says, impatiently.

"Healing?" Aoi queries.

"Healing?" Natori echoes. "Natsume, what's going on?"

Natsume ignores him.

"You're doing it, aren't you?" he insists. "You're the only spirit following me around."

"Natsume," Natori begins, placing a hand on Natsume's shoulder. "Please tell me what this is about."

Natsume shakes him off, crossly.

"A spirit has been healing my family and friends. I'm pretty sure it's her."

"Well, you're _wrong_," Aoi says, attempting to fold her arms and failing miserably because they are still bound to her sides.

"I've never heard of a spirit who could heal humans," Natori murmurs, rubbing his chin. "Are you sure about this?"

"Sprained ankles don't heal overnight on their own," Natsume says, tersely.

"That _is_ weird," Natori agrees. "Aoi, tell me why you keep hanging around my friend."

"I don't have to answer _you_," she replies, flippantly.

"Answer _me_ then!" Natsume says, loudly. It's a stupid tactic, a desperate tactic, but it seems to work. Aoi hunches her shoulders, as if she's guarding some sort of secret.

"You can't make me," she says, evasively.

"Oh," Natori says, his mouth dropping open. His lizard-mark skitters around the circumference of his neck, like it's sharing in his revelation. "Are you in love with Natsume?"

Aoi's pale cheeks colour a little, and for a moment she seems lost. Then, abruptly, the paper doll around her body starts to dissolve.

"Time's up," she says, sweetly. "Good luck finding your healing spirit, Natsume. If such a thing really does exist."

She vanishes into the air, leaving Natsume more frustrated and confused than before.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

notes/warnings

+ more own-characters in this chapter. I promise that they will always take a back-seat to the canon characters, though. they're just here to help advance the plot.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Four<strong>

It's not a big deal.

Natsume is always sweet. He's the sort of person who goes out of his way to be kind to the downtrodden, the inept, and the lost. He talks about the young fox-spirit all the time, not because the spirit is special, but because Natsume is _worried for him_.

Okay, not all the time. But like, occasionally. Every few weeks or so. Taki probably just has a very generous definition of the phrase 'a lot'. Just like Kitamoto.

It's nice, though. It's undoubtedly nice that Natsume is still thinking of him and talking about him even when he's deliberately leaving Tanuma behind because Tanuma is too incompetent to help. It's more than nice and Tanuma suddenly wants to know the details, wants to know exactly what Natsume says about him.

But asking is hard. And Tanuma is an inherently patient person. And he's happy enough with the life he has, helping in the ways he can help. He has Natsume on the phone every other evening, and that's more than enough. What Natsume says to Tanuma is so much more important than what he says about Tanuma, and Tanuma should never forget that.

"Are you all right in there?" Tanuma's father calls, banging on the bathroom door. He worries so much. All the time.

"I'm fine!" Tanuma calls.

His father grunts an acknowledgement, and shuffles off down the hall. Tanuma examines his bare arm. The wound hasn't even begun to heal. He'll be out of action for another five days, at least.

* * *

><p>Natori buys dinner, and Natsume reluctantly stays long enough to eat.<p>

"The fish-spirit isn't in love with Natsume," Nyanko says, haughtily. "Obsessed, maybe. But beast spirits aren't capable of love. They're self-centred and narcisstic. Kind of like you."

"That's a lie," Hiiragi says, crisply. Nyanko rolls his eyes. Natsume doesn't bother finding out which particular statement she's replying to. He has too many other things on his mind.

"You've never heard of a healing spirit?" he asks Natori, with disbelief. "Not ever?"

Natori bites into a prawn cutlet and shakes his head.

"Never," he replies. "I've heard stories of olden-day healers, of course, but they were all purportedly human."

Natsume jerks in surprise.

"You think a human might be doing this?" he demands. It's not possible. People can't _do_ things like that. Illnesses are illnesses. No human can just make them go away.

"Who knows? I'm not even sure any of those old stories were real," Natori says, thoughtfully.

"There was a rumour," Hiiragi pipes up. "A girl who used to live on the outskirts of Fukuoka. They said that people stopped getting sick after she arrived.

Natsume gets to his feet.

"What was her name? I'll go and find her."

He's going to get to the bottom of this, somehow.

"I don't know," Hiiragi tells him. "It was decades ago. She's probably dead."

"Oh," Natsume says, sagging. Natori laughs and pats his leg.

"What's gotten you so worried?" he asks, gently.

"I don't even like the thought of some human watching Touko and Taki," Natsume informs him, and he's only half-lying. "That's kind of creepy."

Natori gazes at him for a moment.

"That's right," he murmurs. "I forgot that you're more comfortable around spirits than you are around humans."

"That _isn't_ true," Natsume insists. "I'm doing this for Tanuma."

"Your cute friend?" Natori asks, smiling indulgently, and Natsume has to fight off a strong and sudden temptation to punch him.

"Whoever they are, they need to heal him as well," Natsume says. "He's important."

"He's probably too sick for them to bother with," Natori theorises.

"That's what Teacher said," Natsume tells him. Nyanko is presently devouring the rest of the cutlets, like a round, white vacuum cleaner. Natsume wonders whether Tanuma is in pain right now. Whether he's suffering. "That's what Teacher says, and _it isn't good enough_."

* * *

><p>Tanuma likes walking between classes. It's strangely peaceful, walking through the crowded hall, letting his mind go blank in preparation for the next bout of high-intensity learning.<p>

Nobody ever talks to him. Usually.

Usually nobody suddenly drags him into disused storage cupboards, either.

"What's wrong?" Tanuma asks, as soon as he's gotten his bearings. Natsume is behaving unusually and Natsume looks upset and those two things alone are enough reason to be very, very worried.

Natsume snatches at Tanuma's wrist, holding it between his forefinger and thumb. His gaze is fixed on Tanuma's shoulder, where the bandages are making a little bulge under his shirtsleeve.

"You're still not better, are you?" Natsume asks, sadly.

"No," Tanuma replies, carefully. The wound is irritatingly slow to heal. He hopes it doesn't scar. Scars are troublesome.

Still, a scar won't stop him from doing what he can. For the world. For Natsume.

"I'm sorry," Natsume says, hoarsely. "I'm really sorry."

Tanuma tilts his head. There doesn't seem to be any immediate danger. Natsume just seems to be concerned for him.

"You don't need to be sorry," he says. "Really. You're-"

Natsume glances up suddenly, an uncharacteristically fierce expression on his face.

"You will get what you deserve," he says, dramatically. "I swear, I'll make sure you get what you deserve."

Natsume's voice is earnest, not threatening. He sounds like he honestly believes the world owes Tanuma something good. Touched, Tanuma reaches out and pushes Natsume's messy brown hair away from Natsume's face.

"It's okay," he says, softly. "Everything is okay."

Natsume leans in a little closer, and Tanuma is suddenly struck by just how _pretty_ he is. His eyes are kind of the colour of caramel – proper caramel, not the stuff that Tanuma tried to make once and burned to a crisp – and his jaw is angular and fine. And his…lips are…

Natsume lifts his hand, and then hesitates, his fingers hovering an inch from Tanuma's chin. And Tanuma can't think, can't breathe, and certainly can't take his hand from Natsume's hair.

_You are precious you are so precious you are so precious._

"Oy, Tanuma," someone says, and suddenly the cupboard is flooded with bright, artificial light.

Natsume jumps back like he's been burned, like he's been caught doing something bad. Tanuma scrubs a hand across his own face. Kitamoto is standing in the doorway, looking equal parts surprised and amused.

"What are you two doing in here, anyway?" he asks, grinning.

Natsume is staring at the ground with a horrified expression on his face, and Tanuma wants to take the pain from him and make him happy again.

"Why are you looking for people in cupboards?" Tanuma shoots back, more than a little annoyed at his classmate.

"Touche," Kitamoto replies. "Sasada said she'd seen you go in here earlier. I wanted to discuss homework with you before class."

Tanuma wants to comfort Natsume, but he can't. He's too weak and pathetic and boring, and maybe Natsume is more bothered by what he almost did than the fact that Kitamoto caught them.

Yeah, that's probably it.

"Fine," he says, pushing Kitamoto aside and stepping out into the hall, then holding the door for Natsume to do the same. "Ask away."

Later, Kitamoto apologises for interrupting them. Tanuma just stares at him until he changes the subject.

* * *

><p>Natsume spends the rest of the day with his head down and his ears burning, terribly embarrassed. He eats lunch alone, avoids Taki, and hurries home quickly so that nobody can speak to him.<p>

_Shouldn't have done that._

Kitamoto is nice. Kitamoto probably won't tell anyone. But that doesn't change the fact that Natsume _cornered his best friend in a storage closet_. And very nearly _assaulted_ him.

_Shouldn't have done that._

Nyanko was right. Tanuma has become Natsume's whole world, to the point where Natsume is too smitten to even keep himself in check.

But he has to handle this, somehow. He has to stay in Tanuma's life, because he has to protect Tanuma from spirits and demons and any other sort of evil that Natsume can possibly fight.

Right now, Natsume feels like the most evil person in the world. He's never tried to take _advantage_ of anyone before. And Tanuma is so nice, so gentle and polite, and Natsume feels disgusting and ugly just thinking about it. It didn't even feel bad, at the time. He was just worried and angry and scared and Tanuma was stroking his hair and _god_, Natsume still wants to touch him.

_Shouldn't have done that._

Natsume wants to defend Tanuma forever. But he'll probably have to do that from a distance, now. Things will be awkward between him and Tanuma. Awkward at _best_. And they're both so bad at friendship. Natsume undid all of their hard work in a single moment, and that's the most depressing thought of all.

He doesn't need to kiss Tanuma's face. He just needs the talks, and the fistbumps, and the companionable silence. And now he's gone and ruined everything.

He should just stick to spirits. Natsume is _good_ at dealing with spirits.

Maybe, if he just leaves Tanuma alone for a few months, things will be okay.

"What's wrong, Takashi?" Touko asks, worriedly. "You've barely touched your dinner."

"I ate a lot of food for lunch," Natsume lies. "I'm sorry."

Maybe Tanuma ought to get a girlfriend. Even if he and Taki don't work out, Sasada has been eyeing him off recently. He's only gotten more handsome as he's gotten taller.

_Don't think about how handsome Tanuma is_.

It was a stupid thing to do. If Tanuma hates him, then Natsume has nobody to blame but himself. And if Tanuma doesn't want to live with him, well, that's to be pretty much expected.

"Oh, is that all?" Touko asks, smiling. "I thought something was wrong."

Natsume loves her so, so much. The more he learns about humans, the bigger his heart seems to grow.

After dinner, Natsume helps clear the table and washes the dishes. He needs to try and preserve his relationship with Touko and Shigeru. He needs to learn from his mistakes, and not drive anyone else away.

Even if it's too late to salvage his friendship with Tanuma, he needs to keep trying with everyone else.

When Natsume finally gets tired enough to sleep, he heads upstairs. His phone is on the desk, screen glowing a soft blue. He has a voice message.

"Something happened, right?" Nyanko asks, irritatingly. "Did a spirit put a curse on you? Or did the shop run out of squid?"

He's been guessing all afternoon, but Natsume is too miserable to indulge him.

The message is from Tanuma. He has to listen to it. Even if it breaks his heart. Natsume puts the phone to his ear and holds his breath.

'_Hi. I went to the store with my father today, and they had these amazing lurid yellow table mats. I think we should get some to clash with our table.'_

The message ends, and Natsume stands numbly in the centre of his room, unable to move.

Tanuma is…talking about their table. Their apartment. Their living together, like it's still a certainty. Like there was never any doubt. Like nothing Natsume did today actually matters one bit.

Natsume feels so, so incredibly relieved that he actually bursts out laughing. His knees give out and he collapses on the floor and he keeps on laughing. He's been scared and resigned _all day_, and suddenly that is hilarious.

Tanuma isn't just a person in Natsume's life. He's a fixture. He's dependable. He seems to _want_ to be a part of Natsume's universe, and that is completely amazing. Natsume wants to be with him forever.

He laughs until Nyanko starts hitting him. Until his ribs start hurting.

Then he calls Tanuma.

* * *

><p>Natsume sounds ridiculously hopeful and uncomfortable at first, but the more Tanuma talks to him, the more relaxed he becomes.<p>

_I actually did it_, Tanuma thinks, impressed. _I actually managed to make things better for him._

They discuss tableware, and dinner, and mathematics, and Nishimura's probably-hopeless crush on Taki. Eventually Natsume stops forming proper syllables, and starts murmuring incoherently.

"Are you falling asleep?" Tanuma asks, grinning to himself. He can imagine Natsume, curled up in bed, cradling the phone loosely against his ear.

"Nn."

"I'll let you hang up," Tanuma says, and wonders idly when his life became so amazing.

* * *

><p>Natsume wakes up with the phone pressed inconveniently up against his face. He's pretty sure he can hear Tanuma breathing on the other end of the line, but he doesn't get a chance to find out for sure, because someone reaches over him and disconnects the call.<p>

"I thought you were going to sleep forever," they say, rudely.

Natsume freezes up. He tries to yell for Nyanko, but the intruder presses a hand over his mouth.

"Shh. It's just me."

It's Aoi, _again_. Natsume is getting mighty sick of her just showing up unannounced.

"What do you want?" he mutters, batting her hand away.

Aoi sits down on the floor beside him, and runs her fingers through her shiny blonde hair.

"Tell me about him," she says, gesturing towards the phone.

Natsume calms down a little. He can talk about Tanuma all day. Tanuma is his favourite topic of conversation.

"He's my best friend," he says, promptly. "Why do you want to know?"

"Is he precious to you?"

Natsume glares at her, suddenly angry.

"If you try to hurt him, I swear, I'll…I'll…"

He doesn't actually know how to threaten someone, but he damn well wants to try. He's pretty sure he could kill a spirit, if they harmed Tanuma. With his bare hands, if need be.

Aoi tips her head to the side, watching him intently.

"He _is_ precious to you," she concludes. "Why? He's just an ordinary human. He's ugly, and he's weak."

"No, he _isn't_," Natsume insists. Tanuma is really handsome, and he'd be a lot stronger if he wasn't sick all the time. And Aoi's insults are just infantile and ridiculous. Tanuma is wonderful, and he makes Natsume happy. "We're going to move in together. We're going to buy a table."

"So that's how it is, huh?" Aoi says, sounding strangely angry. "That's all I needed to know."

She gets to her feet. Natsume feels a little bit panicked. What was it Nyanko had said? That beast spirits are often obsessive? If she _is_ obsessed with him, then it's feasible that she might become jealous of his friends.

"Hey," he calls. "You had better not-"

"I won't go _near_ him," she says, derisively. "I promise."

"Oh," Natsume says. "Uh. Okay."

Aoi disappears without another word. Natsume closes the window once she's gone. Just in case.

She's starting to make him feel uneasy.

* * *

><p>For a few days, nothing happens. And yet, a thousand important things happen. Tanuma and Natsume have dozens of conversations. They brush elbows three times, and high-five twice. Natsume meets his eyes every time they pass in the hall. Natsume calls him every evening, and sometimes again in the morning. And just once, Natsume rolls up his sleeve and inspects the slowly-granulating wound, fingers ghosting over Tanuma's bare skin.<p>

Natsume doesn't actually let Tanuma come along on his adventures, of course, so Tanuma usually walks home alone. Only, on the fourth day, he sees a girl waiting at the school gates. She's tall and thin and pretty, with long red hair, and she's wearing a uniform that he doesn't recognise. Tanuma wonders who she's waiting for.

It's not unusual, to have unfamiliar people lingering around the school. When he was younger, Tanuma used to idly fantasise that they might be spirits or ghosts. Not because he was frightened of them, but because he desperate _wanted_ supernatural, otherworldly creatures in his life.

Now he knows, of course. They're just local kids from other schools, waiting for their friends. And the _real_ spirits are invisible to him, nothing more than a headache and a glimmer in his peripheral vision.

Tanuma hurries down the stairs. He wants to catch up to Natsume and Taki. Sometimes he can walk partway home with them, if they're going in the right direction and Natsume doesn't have any spirits following him.

Sometimes, Taki is allowed to stay over at Natsume's house. Often Natsume will spend the whole afternoon with her, spirits or not.

Tanuma is never jealous of Natsume, but sometimes he's a little jealous of Taki. He knows she earned her position in Natsume's life on merit. He knows she's more useful, and kinder, and more personable than he is. Now that she's no longer cursed, she's really coming out of her shell. She's able to help Natsume forge relationships with other people. She's able to persuade spirits and bargain with exorcists.

So it's not her fault. But sometimes Tanuma gets sick of being very obviously the third wheel. Sometimes he wants to dig in his heels and say 'no' when Natsume asks him to leave. But he won't, because that would be selfish. And because Natsume is so, so important to him.

"Um," someone says, from just behind him. "Excuse me. Um."

Tanuma hesitates. It's the girl. She's _talking to him_.

Okay. He can talk to girls. It's not a problem. She's probably just lost, or something. Taki once told Tanuma that he looks less intimidating than a lot of the other guys at school, so it makes sense that she'd want to ask him for directions.

"What's wrong?" he asks, awkwardly.

"I'm supposed to meet my sister at the station," she tells him. Her eyes are a very pale shade of blue. Some of the other students are staring at her. "I thought it would be easy to find, but I got lost. Can you help me?"

"You're not from around here, huh?" Tanuma asks. The station is a fifteen minute walk away. He'll miss Natsume and Taki completely.

"My family only moved here a few days ago," she admits. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble. If you can just point me in the right direction, that would be enough."

It's early spring, but the afternoons still get dark quickly. Tanuma would hate for anything to happen to her.

Besides, he'll just be a burden if he goes with Natsume.

"I'll walk you there," he says, decisively. "Come on."

* * *

><p>"Here's the charm I told you about," Taki says, proudly. "It will change colour if there's a sudden increase in spirit activity in the house."<p>

"Thanks," Natsume replies, gratefully. It's not exactly ideal, but he's hardly likely to find a charm-that-tells-you-all-about-the-spirit-who-is-mysteriously-healing-your-family-and-friends-except-not-the-one-you-care-about-the-most.

And he's not going back to Natori for help. He tries to involve Natori as little as possible, especially now that he has Taki acting as his unofficial assistant.

Natsume lives in two separate worlds. The one with Taki and Natori and gods and monsters and danger and his grandmother's shadow. And the one with Touko and Shigeru and Tanuma. The soft, safe, sunshine-filled world that Natsume must defend. The world where one day, Natsume is going to buy a table.

He picks out Tanuma's form in the crowd of people rushing to leave the school. He and Taki are secreted away, hidden from view behind a few trees. People keep asking him if he's dating her, because they spend so much time together.

Natsume is lucky to have a friend like Taki. He's pretty sure that he loves Taki, even. He gets this awful feeling in the pit of his chest whenever something bad happens to her, and maybe that's love. But he doesn't want to kiss her. He would feel lonely and sad if she was the only other person in his life.

That is the principle difference between his feelings for Taki and his feelings for Tanuma. Natsume can't even think about loving Tanuma, because the feeling is terrifyingly huge. But he wants Tanuma there, all the time. Tanuma fills him with joy, fills up his whole life. Natsume could be with him forever.

Tanuma is currently talking to a girl. Natsume can tell by her silhouette that she's beautiful, really drop-dead gorgeous. And it's no surprise, really, because Tanuma is very good-looking, too. But it still makes Natsume feel small and inadequate.

Taki follows Natsume's line of vision.

"Oh," she says, surprised. "I haven't seen her before."

"Maybe she's from another school," Natsume replies, and forces a smile. "I'm glad. It's about time Tanuma took an interest in someone."

"Whatever you say," Taki tells him, but she's kind of looking at him like she thinks he's stupid.

* * *

><p>The girl introduces herself as Hikari. She talks a lot about the weather, and her many sisters, and how nice the lake looks at this time of year. She's friendly and open, and Tanuma finds it easy enough to converse with her.<p>

"Do you have any siblings?"

"No," Tanuma replies, shaking his head. "Just a father. But there's this girl at my school who is like a sister to me."

"That's nice," Hikari replies, with an encouraging smile. "It's amazing, the way people bond to each other, right?"

"Definitely."

When they get to the station, she bows and thanks him warmly. Tanuma feels good. He likes to help people. He likes to be useful.

He misses Natsume, though.

"I'm going to wait for you tomorrow, too."

Tanuma looks up in surprise.

"What?"

"I'm going to wait for you tomorrow, too," Hikari repeats. "You're the first nice person I've met in this town. You're my guide now, okay?"

It's the sort of presumptive talk that would be adorable if Natsume were saying it. But he isn't, and Tanuma feels kind of gobsmacked and lost.

"Okay," he says, dumbly.

"Great!" Hikari replies, and skips off.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you for reading


	5. Chapter 5

notes/warnings

+ very minor spoilers for some of the later episodes.

+ I really, really love Hiiragi. you all needed to know this, okay?

* * *

><p><strong>Part Five<strong>

Natsume spends the evening helping a spirit break free from an ancient and nasty curse. He wanders around in the rain for a good three hours, looking for a specific seedpod from a specific tree. At one point he thinks he sees something long and flagella-like in his peripheral vision. But when he turns around, nothing is there.

It's eight o'clock by the time he finally goes home. He'd usually call Tanuma, but Tanuma has a girl to talk to now. He's making new friends. He's moving forward in the world, _growing up_, and Natsume feels horribly inadequate.

What did he want from Tanuma, anyway? A table?

A future?

Natsume can't always have the things that he wants. He learned that the day his father went away and never came back. He's good with spirits, not people. Tanuma probably wants a normal life with normal people, and that's fine. Natsume wants him to be happy.

By ten o'clock, Natsume is running a fever. He calls Taki, but not Tanuma.

He's already impinged on Tanuma enough.

* * *

><p>Natsume doesn't come to school. Tanuma finds out from Taki that he's ill. And that's a little unsettling, because Natsume <em>always<em> tells Tanuma when he isn't well. And the weather is terrible, and Tanuma has a lot of homework to do, and he really just wants to go home and call Natsume and hopefully make Natsume feel better, but the girl is waiting at the gate again.

She wants to go to the shrine by the lake. And Tanuma could say 'no', but he'd feel terrible if she went alone and something bad happened to her.

* * *

><p>"They've been together every afternoon this week," Taki says, on Friday. "Even on Wednesday, when Tanuma was home sick, she went and sat with him."<p>

"I know," Natsume says, keeping his voice carefully neutral.

He misses Tanuma so much. He really just wants to be with Tanuma all of the time.

"You haven't called him even once, have you?" Taki scolds. "Some friend."

* * *

><p>On Saturday, Hikari shows up at the temple.<p>

"Don't I even get the weekend off?" Tanuma asks, only half-joking. She's a sweet person and everything, but Tanuma is getting exhausted.

"I wanted to take you for ice cream," she replies earnestly. "To thank you for everything."

Tanuma exhales at length. Okay. One more day and this will be over. He can go and see Natsume and Taki. Or maybe just Taki, because Natsume seems to be avoiding him. Which probably means he's busy with spirit-related things.

Tanuma hopes he's okay.

He and Hikari walk slowly. They've discussed a lot of different things over the past week, but she never says too much about her own life. She hasn't mentioned her parents, her home, or her school even once. Only her sisters.

"Have you ever been in love?" Hikari asks. "I think one of my sisters is in love."

"I…don't know," Tanuma replies, evasively. Love is a big deal.

But Natsume is a pretty big deal, too. He's worthy of being loved. Tanuma would follow him to the ends of the earth, and that probably counts as love. But he doesn't want to jeopardise their friendship, so he'd never name the feeling. Not out loud. He just wants to be in Natsume's presence, all the time. He wants to do what he can, give everything that he can.

"She says it hurts," Hikari continues.

"I hope it works out for her," Tanuma replies, honestly.

Hikari regards him thoughtfully, twisting her long hair around her index finger.

"You surprise me," she tells him. "A boy as handsome and kind as you ought to have a girlfriend."

Something about that sentence feels too presumptive, like Tanuma is obligated to be attracted to girls. But he knows she's just making conversation.

"Thanks," he says, quietly. "But I don't have anyone right now."

Romance isn't really that important. If he gets to live with Natsume, even for a few months, that will be better than all the girlfriends and boyfriends in the world.

Hikari takes his hand suddenly. Tanuma looks down in surprise. Her palm is much smaller than his, and her skin is soft and smooth. But holding her hand feels uncomfortable, and Tanuma pulls away.

"I'm sorry," he tells her. "I, uh, I'm not a very touchy person."

Hikari frowns, viciously, and Tanuma feels a sudden pang behind his eyes.

"Oh," she says. "Right. I see."

Over the past week, she's been constantly talking about how nice he is, and how good-looking he is, and Tanuma wonders, impossibly, if she's actually interested in him. But she's pretty and stylish - with long legs and striking eyes - and she could have pretty much anyone she wanted. There's no need for her to settle for a loser with strabismus and an unhealthy affection for his best friend.

Obviously, Tanuma needs to help her meet people.

"Come on," he says, warmly. "I'll buy the ice cream, to make it up to you."

If he takes her to parties, and gatherings, and festivals, then she should meet lots of far more eligible guys than him. He ought to do that, as her guide.

His plan turns out to be far simpler than he anticipated, because the store is full of kids from his school. Apparently they're having some sort of get-together. Tanuma feels his spirits soar. He's barely spoken to anyone this past week.

"Ugh, let's go somewhere else," Hikari says, grabbing his sleeve.

"In a minute," Tanuma replies, even though it's not very considerate of him. He walks around the counter and runs headlong into Taki and Natsume.

"Morning," Taki says, smiling.

"Oh," Natsume says, quietly.

"Hi!" Tanuma says, so, so happy, and he pulls them both into a hug.

* * *

><p>Natsume is really glad his ice cream is in a cup, and safely on the table on the other side of the room, because otherwise he would have just dropped it on the floor.<p>

Tanuma's chest is warm and solid, and Tanuma's hand is on his back, and Natsume could probably get eaten by a spirit right now and still die happy. He grabs a handful of Tanuma's shirt, because otherwise he's going to fall over, and because it's the thing he most wants to do right now.

He's been really, really lonely.

"Hey," Tanuma says, quietly. Maybe to him. Maybe to Taki. It really doesn't matter. Natsume feels like he's all elbows, like he can't actually hang on tight enough. The girl is still there, staring at him over Tanuma's shoulder like she wishes him ill.

After what feels like a not-very-long period of time, Tanuma gently pushes both of them away.

"See," Taki says, recovering quickly. "This is why we shouldn't go for a week without talking."

"Right," Tanuma agrees. He cards a hand through Natsume's hair. "You okay down there?"

"You're not _that_ tall," Natsume manages, his voice about an octave higher than normal.

Tanuma grins at him. Then he seems to suddenly remember his companion, and gestures in her general direction.

"This is Hikari. She's new to the town."

Natsume generously holds out his hand, but the girl ignores it.

"Not a touchy person, huh?" she says, glaring at Tanuma.

"Sorry," he replies, sheepishly. "These people are my friends, and I haven't seen much of them lately."

"I don't want to be here any more," she announces.

Tanuma flushes, and Hikari turns on her heel and storms towards the door.

"I've got to go," Tanuma tells them. "See you later."

They walk away without another word. The soft, fluttery feeling inside Natsume's chest does not disappear.

"I'll call you!" he yells, inspired.

"You'd better!" Tanuma replies.

And just like that, everything is fine.

* * *

><p>Hikari ignores Tanuma for the rest of the morning, and Tanuma suggests they both go home as soon as is polite. He's going to get to talk to <em>Natsume<em> tonight, but there's something even more important weighing on Tanuma's mind.

Something isn't right.

Natsume calls at three in the afternoon. Tanuma has been carrying his phone in his hand since midday, but when it actually rings he kind of fumbles and drops it on the floor and has to scrabble to answer it in time.

"Hi."

"Hi," Natsume says, cheerfully.

"It's been a while," Tanuma says. What he means is _I missed you_, but he's not brave enough to say that.

"I'm sorry for that," Natsume says, awkwardly.

"It's fine," Tanuma replies. "Listen. What did you think of Hikari?"

Natsume hesitates.

"Um, she's beautiful?"

Tanuma laughs.

"That's not really what I meant. She didn't strike you as strange?"

"Strange?"

"When she gets angry, my head hurts," Tanuma tells him. "It happened twice today."

"Oh," Natsume says, the uncertainty vanishing from his voice. "Oh no. That hadn't even occurred to me."

"Do you think she's a spirit?"

"Probably," Natsume tells him. "Wait right there. I'm coming over."

"Okay," Tanuma answers. He's not going to argue with _that_.

* * *

><p>Natsume feels phenomenally stupid.<p>

He should have considered this. He should be suspicious of everyone he meets, especially people who want to get close to the people he loves. He ought to have thought of the fact that Tanuma's attractive new friend might be a spirit.

And god, he's lucky Tanuma didn't get cursed or possessed or _worse_. He's lucky this spirit was relatively benevolent, that even when Tanuma annoyed her she only walked away in a huff.

Natsume runs all the way to Tanuma's house, and kind of collapses in a wheezing heap on the porch when he finally arrives. Tanuma snickers and rubs Natsume's shoulder. He's okay. He's definitely okay and healthy and breathing. Natsume can stop having vivid mental images of him being eaten alive, now.

"I'm going to put the kettle on," Tanuma tells him. "Try not to choke, okay?"

"Wait," Natsume manages. "Is she here?"

"No," Tanuma replies. "She didn't even say whether or not she'd come back."

"Oh."

"I'm glad you're here, though. Would you prefer green tea, or coffee?"

They spend the afternoon playing boardgames, and then sitting back-to-back in Tanuma's room, just talking to each other. They eat dinner and play board games and Tanuma's father makes some comment about how Natsume has gotten taller.

"It's late," Tanuma says, when they're washing the dishes and Natsume is only just managing to keep from dropping a plate on the floor. "You're welcome to stay the night, if you want."

Natsume chews on his lip. Tanuma is so open with him, so free with his words and his affection and his invitations, and Natsume is suspicious and presumptive and demanding. He doesn't really deserve Tanuma's friendship at all.

"I'm sorry about last week," he says, slowly. "I wasn't trying to ignore you. I just figured you were spending all of your time with Hikari, and I didn't want to interrupt. I'm so sorry."

Tanuma stares at him for a minute. Then he picks up a handful of suds and puts them on top of Natsume's head.

"Hey!"

"I always want to spend time with you," Tanuma says emphatically, grinning.

Natsume has no idea what to say to that. He just stands in the tiny kitchen, with his heart swelling and dampness seeping through his hair. And he's had this revelation before, that Tanuma is a fixture in his life, that Tanuma is never going to go away, but he can't quite bring himself to believe it.

"Now you know," Tanuma continues, filling the silence. "So, why do you think a spirit was following me? Did she just want to eat me?"

"I don't know," Natsume replies, stumbling a little over the words. "But I'm going to find out."

* * *

><p>Hikari doesn't show up the next day, or the day after that. Tanuma wonders if maybe she knows that he's figured out the truth, and now she's just not going to come back.<p>

Natsume stays over three nights in a row, until Shigeru starts making jokes about Tanuma's father adopting him.

"It's all right," Tanuma says. "You can go home. I'll call you if she comes back, okay?"

"Okay," Natsume says, reluctantly. "But maybe I should leave Nyanko with you, as well."

"Forget it," Ponta growls, sticking his nose up in the air. "I'm not some object you can just lend out to your friends. Idiot."

"Please," Natsume says, very quietly, next to Ponta's ear. He doesn't want Tanuma to hear, so Tanuma pretends not to have heard.

"It's really fine, Natsume," Tanuma says, smiling. "Besides, we spent a whole week together and Hikari didn't eat me. I doubt she's just going to show up and attack me without any warning."

Natsume reaches out and straightens Tanuma's collar.

"I guess so," he replies. "But please be careful."

Tanuma watches Natsume leave. He knows it's crazy, but he'd be more than happy for Natsume to become a part of his family. It would be nice for his father to have a son he didn't have to worry about all the time. And it would be wonderful to live with Natsume, to share the entirety of their lives together, to be with him incidentally, every spare second of the day.

He's looking forward to that green, plastic table.

* * *

><p>Natsume often promises himself that he won't go back to Natori. That he's finished with the stupid, self-absorbed exorcist, that there's nothing new left to learn. But there always <em>is<em> something left to learn, and he forgot to ask about the sickness-spirit last time, and he needs a talisman stronger than anything in Taki's shed.

Natori is as vivacious and welcoming as ever. He's hard to deal with _because_ he's friendly. Because he likes Natsume and wants the two of them to get along. And because Natsume just doesn't agree with the things that he does.

He doesn't like Natori.

He likes Hiiragi, though, so that's at least one good thing about being forced to visit. He wishes he could explain to Hiiragi that Natori is never going to change. That he's always going to be hard, and that he's always going to choose humans over spirits, and that he's never going to be the adorable little boy she remembers.

"Sickness spirit?" Natori asks, bumping his index finger against his mouth. "You say the strangest things sometimes, Natsume."

"So you don't know anything about it?" Natsume asks.

"Sorry," Natori says. "It sounds like something you should avoid, though. If you get sick too often, you might wear out your healer."

"Searching for the healer has been put on hold," Natsume tells him. "A spirit has taken human form and started following Tanuma. Have you got anything to keep him safe?"

Natori gives Natsume a long, soft look, and Natsume has to fight down the urge to squirm. Natori is always vaguely inappropriate about everything.

"He's really valuable to you, isn't he?"

"He's my best friend," Natsume retorts. He feels like he says it all the time, now. Like maybe he's trying to force it to be true.

"I see," Natori says, indulgently. "Well, I'll give you my very best charm, then. Wait here."

Natori hurries upstairs. Natsume turns to Hiiragi.

"You're looking well," she monotones. "You seem to get a little softer every time you say that boy's name."

Natsume doesn't even process that statement. He lets it bounce off him like water from oil, because his mind just might implode if he even considers it.

"You seem well, too," he replies. "And I see Natori is the same as ever."

"I think there's something in his past. Something he doesn't want to deal with," Hiiragi says. "But it doesn't matter. I will work for him no matter what he is like."

Natsume wonders if she's lonely. Sometimes, when you resolve to do something no matter what, you can wind up feeling completely alone.

"If you ever need a break," he says, brightly, "you can come and work for me."

"Whaaaat?" Nyanko spits. "I don't need help from spirit like _her_."

"You're my bodyguard," Natsume tells him. He thinks it's important that he's clear on this. It's important that Hiiragi knows she can go to him, that she never feels trapped. "It's not the same as having a servant."

He hates the idea of having a servant, but that isn't what this conversation is about.

Hiiragi seems taken aback.

"That won't be necessary," she says, stiffly. "I am happy here."

"I'm glad," Natsume says, smiling.

Natori comes back with a thin gold chain.

"It's more powerful than any of the rocks," he announces. "If little Tanuma is attacked, this will activate and protect him for fifteen minutes."

"That's long enough for me to run to his house," Natsume calculates. "Great. Thanks, Natori."

"It's no problem," Natori answers, waving a hand in the air. "Anything for my favourite assistant. Do you want to stay for dinner?"

"No," Natsume replies, curtly. "Also, I'm not your assistant."

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you for reading.


	6. Chapter 6

notes/warnings

+ not a lot happens in this bit, just character & relationship development.

+ spoilers up to the most recent Natsume episodes, ie the end of the fourth season.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Six<strong>

Tanuma wears the chain looped around his wrist. He occasionally catches glimpses of it when he moves his hand. He likes that Natsume gave him something, even if it's just a protective charm.

His father notices it on Thursday afternoon.

"Tooru?" he asks, with a tiny smile. It suddenly occurs to Tanuma that maybe his father would be happy if he was interested in girls. But he can't lie. He already keeps enough secrets as it is.

"Takashi," he corrects.

Tanuma's father doesn't even blink.

"He's a nice kid," he says, carefully. "Walk with me, Kaname."

_Oh no_, Tanuma thinks. He shrugs his coat on and falls into step beside his father, waiting for the lecture. He and his father aren't actually close. They don't talk about important things unless it's absolutely necessary. And they don't just go walking together without a good reason. Something is wrong.

Tanuma wonders if maybe his father is one of _those_ people after all, and he's going to hear about how it isn't proper to be receiving presents from other boys at his age.

They get past the temple before his father speaks again.

"Do you remember your mother?"

"No," Tanuma replies, honestly. He wishes he could remember. All he has is grainy photographs and the few things his father has told him.

"She was a very good person. And I think you're a lot like her."

"Thank you," Tanuma says, guardedly.

Silence falls for another few moments.

"Listen," Tanuma's father says awkwardly, wringing his hands. "Love is a powerful thing. It changes people's lives. But it is possible to love someone too much. Your mother loved people too much."

Tanuma tilts his head to the side.

"Is that how she died?" he asks, very quietly.

"She died of a brain tumour," his father replies. Always the same answer. Always. Of course she died of a brain tumour. The autopsy found a brain tumour.

So what if the scans a week prior had come back completely clear?

Tanuma knows how his mother died. He shouldn't ask. He shouldn't put his father through this.

"So," his father continues. "Please don't get too attached to anyone, Kaname. I know you care about your friends, and I think that's wonderful. But you're still very young. Don't go too far."

His father is talking about _girls_. Or boys. Teenage crushes, anyway. This should be horribly embarrassing, but Tanuma's father looks so _serious_ and Tanuma feels sombre and calm. This isn't really about romance. This is about something far more important.

His father knows. Has always known. He knows, but he won't say. There's nothing he can say, and nothing he can prove.

"I understand," Tanuma tells him, honestly.

They walk back home, and Tanuma calls Natsume.

Nothing has changed.

* * *

><p>The next day a tribe of tiny spirits mistake Natsume for a local vengeful god. Which wouldn't ordinarily be a problem, but they're very <em>resourceful<em> spirits and manage to lock Natsume in a cage. They refuse to let him go until he removes the curse that the god has placed on their chief.

None of them believe that he's a human child. Nobody knows where he is, he doesn't have his phone, and Nyanko is out drinking _again_.

"Please," Natsume begs. "It's getting late. I have to go back. I have…I have a family."

Yes. He has a family. He has friends, too. He has so many things now, more things than he ever dreamed of, and he can't stand the thought of making people worry.

"The chief is my wife," one of the spirits informs him. "She is _my_ family. If you don't remove the curse, she will die."

"If you let me go, I can help you look for a solution," Natsume tells him. "I'll find the god. I'll make him undo what he's done."

Even Taki thinks he's gone straight home. There isn't anybody who can lie for him, and give Touko and Shigeru comfort. It might be hours before Nyanko finds him.

"There is a way to tell if he's lying," another spirit says, thoughtfully. "Every day at dawn, the god goes down to the lake to catch fish. If he's there today, we'll know this person is telling the truth."

"I _am_ telling the truth!" Natsume yells. "You can't keep me here until dawn!"

What if Shigeru comes looking for him? How will Natsume ever explain being stuck in a rusty cage in the middle of the forest? What if…what if the redheaded spirit comes back to hurt Tanuma while he's gone?

"Please let me go," Natsume says, gripping the bars in his hands. "Please, please, please."

* * *

><p>At nine o'clock, Tanuma gets a phone call from Touko.<p>

"I'm sorry for calling so late," she says, sounding distracted and worried. "I just wanted to know, is Takashi at your house?"

"No," Tanuma replies, concerned.

If she's calling, then Natsume must be missing.

"He didn't come home from school," Touko tells him. "I'm getting worried."

"Call Taki Tooru," Tanuma suggests. "If anyone knows where he is, she does."

Natsume never tells him what's going on, but he doesn't usually worry his foster parents like this. Tanuma takes his own advice, and calls Taki as soon as Touko hangs up.

"Good even-"

"Do you know where Natsume is?" he asks, without even waiting for her to finish greeting him. "He didn't go home. Did he say anything to you?"

He waits for her answer with his heart in his throat. This is what he's scared of. This is the worst possible part of being the person that Natsume doesn't trust, of being the one who is always left out. That Natsume might end up in terrible trouble and Tanuma wouldn't even know.

"No," Taki says, tremulously. "I have no idea where he is."

Tanuma can't breathe. No. _No_. They're going to move in together and buy a table. Natsume can't be missing. He can't be in trouble.

"I'll meet you outside the forest in twenty minutes," he says, decisively. "Bring anything you can think of that might help."

* * *

><p>The spirits discuss torturing him, and Natsume curls up in his cage, drawing his knees up to his chin. He can't actually feel his hands any more. He's a little bit frightened, but mostly he's preoccupied with self-loathing and misery.<p>

The spirits decide they don't actually _know_ how to torture someone, and after that things go kind of quiet. Natsume drifts off, hunched over and utterly helpless.

* * *

><p>They tell the Fujiwaras some lie about Natsume maybe going to the forest to meet up with some of his classmates. Tanuma wants him to have a cover story when they find him.<p>

Because they're going to find him.

"What if he's dead?" Taki wails, after they've been searching pointlessly for two hours. "What if something's eaten him? We'd never even know!"

"He's alive," Tanuma replies, speaking more for his own benefit than for Taki's. "He's alive. Keep looking."

"Your hands are shaking, Tanuma."

"Just…keep looking."

* * *

><p>Many hours later, Natsume wakes up to the sound of the tiny spirits screaming and running for cover.<p>

"Someone's coming! _Someone's coming!_"

"Humans! Oh goodness, I smell humans!"

It's dark and he's freezing cold and he feels _terrible_. It's really really late, and people must be concerned about him by now.

"Natsume?" someone asks, and suddenly Taki is there, shining a torch right in his eyes.

"Taki," Natsume croaks.

"Thank goodness," Taki says. She's all bundled up against the cold, and her face is sheet-white. "I was scared…I was thinking the worst might have happened."

"I'm so sorry," Natsume tells her, hanging his head. "If you can just pick the lock-"

"Natsume!" someone else says. Tanuma. His voice is high-pitched and frantic and choked, like he's totally terrified.

"He's fine," Taki calls, sliding a hairpin from her bangs.

Tanuma staggers into the clearing, looks right at Natsume, and just collapses onto the ground.

"I'm glad," he manages, weakly.

How is Natsume ever going to atone for this? This is why Natori was wrong, why he should never have made human friends. All he ever does is hurt people, no matter how hard he tries.

A moment later, the cage door swings open. Taki helps Natsume out and then pushes him over to where Tanuma is still kneeling in the dirt.

"I'll call Touko and Shigeru," she says. "You bumped your head and got knocked out cold, okay?"

"Hi," Tanuma says, tensely, staring up at him.

"I'm sorry," Natsume replies.

He runs his fingers through Tanuma's hair, over and over again. It's all that he can do.

* * *

><p>Natsume tries to send him home, and Touko looks almost irritated and then sweetly tells Tanuma that he's welcome to stay the night.<p>

So he does, because it's dark outside and late and cold, and because he doesn't want to leave Natsume right now. The three of them set up beds side by side, like they're a proper family. As soon as they turn out the light, Tanuma rolls over and faces the wall. He's not sulking. He knows that he's practically useless to Natsume, and Natsume has every right to not want him around. He just wants to exist in the same room as his precious friends and do nothing at all. Ponta curls up against the back of Tanuma's neck, reassuring and warm.

After a while, Natsume and Taki start whispering.

"What are we going to do with you?" Taki says, affectionately.

"I think I need to spend less time with Tanuma," Natsume says, a non-sequitor, a lead weight dropping right onto Tanuma's chest.

There's a rustle of cloth, and then a soft _thump_. Tanuma doesn't look around. He doesn't want to embarrass Natsume by showing that he's still awake.

"Ow," Natsume says.

"Don't ever say something like that again," Taki tells him. "I have never wanted to call you a name so much in my life."

"But," Natsume protests quietly. "If something happens to me, and he's close to me, he'll be hurt. So will you. You'll both be hurt."

"And before you came along, neither of us had any friends," Taki argues. "That reasoning is stupid. It's like saying you're better off never being born because once you're alive, something bad might happen."

_Nothing bad will ever happen to Natsume_, Tanuma thinks. _I won't let it._

"I guess," Natsume says, uncertainly.

"You know what I think?" Taki says, softly. "I think you should start taking Tanuma with you when you're dealing with spirits. Something like this won't happen again if one of us is always with you."

"No," Natsume says, promptly, before Tanuma can even get his hopes up. "I can't. He's…he's too…"

Natsume trails off. Tanuma imagines him gesturing pathetically. There must be dozens of synonyms for 'extraneous', but Natsume is too kind to use any of them.

"Say it," Taki urges. "Finish that sentence."

Tanuma always longed to know what Natsume said about him. Now he kind of wants to put his hands over his ears. But he can't. So he sucks in a breath and holds it, instead.

"Precious," Natsume says, reluctantly. "He can never ever come with me, Taki. I can't let anything happen to him."

Tanuma doesn't exhale. He wants to go over and put his hands on Natsume's back, but he can't, he can't.

* * *

><p>Natsume sits with Taki at lunch. They have places they go, secret places, where they can talk about spirits and nobody is likely to overhear them.<p>

"I wanted to speak to you about something," Taki says, and Natsume hopes she isn't going to try and make him discuss how he feels about Tanuma.

"What is it?" he asks, pulling Nyanko into his lap.

"Last night. When…when we were looking for you," she pauses for a minute, like it hurts to say those words, and Natsume wants to apologise all over again. "I was scared and Tanuma was scared, but he was talking like he was sure you weren't dead."

"Of course he was," Natsume tells her, surprised. "I wasn't dead. I wasn't even hurt."

"Yes," Taki says, impatiently. "But it was like he _knew_ that. Like he could sense you, somehow. I don't know. It was weird."

Natsume smiles.

"Maybe he has more faith in me than you do."

Taki snorts. And really, it's more likely that Tanuma has faith in _Nyanko_. Irritating Nyanko, who should have been there last night. Who was off inhaling sake when he should have been at Natsume's side. Who could have prevented the whole awful situation from ever happening.

Natsume pokes at his head.

"I have faith in you," Taki says, quietly. "I just. I know what some of the spirits are like. I've read my grandfather's books."

"Not everything in the books is correct," Natsume tells her. He doesn't know if that is true – he hasn't done more than glance at the covers – but he doesn't want Taki knowing too much about the world of spirits, either. He wants to keep his friends safe.

_Precious_.

"Afternoon," Tanuma says cheerfully, peering around from behind a tree. "May I sit with you two, today?"

Tanuma was quiet at breakfast, and didn't say a word on the way to school. Natsume's glad to see he's feeling better.

"Of course," he replies.

Tanuma takes Nyanko from Natsume. Which is good, because Taki is starting to get all starry-eyed and twitchy.

"Ponta," he says, warmly. "I think you're getting fatter. What are we going to do? We're going to have to reinforce the table with wooden stakes, otherwise the plastic is going to crack underneath you."

Natsume grins, huge and silly, and Tanuma sits down beside him, close enough that their shoulders are touching.

* * *

><p>Before class starts, someone comes up behind Tanuma and puts their hands over his eyes. Tanuma sighs.<p>

"Hello, Kitamoto."

Kitamoto laughs and sits down beside him.

"You've been smiling all day," he points out. "Is it because of Natsume?"

Tanuma is kind of embarrassed. But at the same time, he's reminded of Natsume's words last night, which makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. He's important to Natsume, at least on some level. He's important and that's big, that's huge. Maybe they really will get to live together. Tanuma wants that so, so much.

"What is your fascination with me and Natsume?" he asks, as casually as possible.

Kitamoto chuckles, and shoves at Tanuma's shoulder.

"I like how happy you make each other," he replies.

* * *

><p>The spirit-pond outside Tanuma's house has five fish. Four red, and one black. Natsume never bothered to tell Tanuma about the black one. Not out of laziness or accident, but by design. He wants to keep Tanuma as far away from the spirit world as possible.<p>

And it's not as if Tanuma will ever know.

The Fujiwaras are still at work. The house is empty. Natsume sets his homework on his desk and takes out a pen. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees something moving in the garden. When he jumps up and presses his face to the window, nothing is there.

"A spirit?" he wonders, aloud. He jogs downstairs, with the intention of surveying the situation. But when he reaches for the door, someone grabs his hand.

"Don't go out there!"

"You again," Natsume sighs. "Why are you always following me around?"

"Never mind that," Aoi snaps at him. "One of those things is wandering around the street. You can't let it see you. You'll be in danger if it finds out where you live."

Natsume blinks.

"The sickness-spirit?"

"I don't know what it's called," Aoi tells him. "But it's after you."

"Do you know why?" Natsume asks, his heart quickening. This thing isn't going to just go away. In fact, it's getting closer and closer to where he lives.

"We should move away from the walls," Aoi advises. "Go into the centre of the house and stay there for at least an hour."

"Okay," Natsume says, and then impulsively adds. "Come with me?"

They go and sit in the kitchen. Aoi sits on the table, swinging her legs. Natsume wonders offhandedly just how old she's supposed to be.

"You're so annoying," she informs him. "I don't envy Madara at all. Looking after you is vexing."

"Nobody asked you to look after me," Natsume retorts.

"I shouldn't," she agrees. "You don't even notice me. All you ever notice is your stupid friend. Even when I got my sister to…"

Aoi stops, abruptly. Natsume stares at her, trying to understand. What sister? What does her sister have to do with anything? He's never even seen someone who looks like Aoi, except…

"_You_ sent her?" Natsume demands, narrowing his eyes. "You sent Hikari to bother Tanuma?"

"Bother?" Aoi asks, lowering her eyelids. "My sister is beautiful."

Natsume tugs at his own hair.

"So it was a lie," he says, angrily. "She wasn't interested in him at all. She was just doing what you told her to do."

"Pretty much," Aoi agrees.

"Why? Why would you do such a thing?"

Aoi looks away.

"Because I wanted to prove to you that he wouldn't be loyal."

"That doesn't even make sense," Natsume says, stonily. He's kind of furious. Nobody toys with Tanuma and gets away with it. "I don't care whether Tanuma dates girls. I care that you tried to hurt my friend."

Natsume maybe cares a little bit whether Tanuma dates girls. Or boys. Other people. He wants…he can't say what he wants. He just wants that future. That apartment with the green plastic table. He wants Tanuma's hand on his shoulder all the time.

He wants Aoi to disappear, damnit.

"You never _notice_ me," Aoi yells. "You came to my lake that day and you fished and I watched you, but you don't care. You really don't care."

Natsume clenches his hands into fists. It's a confession, of sorts, but that's irrelevant right now.

"Nyanko was right," he says. "You really don't know how to love someone, do you? You don't do it by trying to turn them away from their friends. That's not love!"

"Oh, really?" Aoi snarls. "What is love, then?"

"Love is…" Natsume thinks of Tanuma. Tanuma talking animatedly, hands shoved in his pockets, flop-haired and cross-eyed and wonderful. He feels his bad mood subside a little, despite Aoi's idiotic antics. Tanuma has that effect on him. "Love is when you'd die for someone, just to make them happy."

He's breathing hard. He's never come this close to admitting it before, not even to himself. Tanuma is precious, elevated above everyone else, and Natsume is maybe perhaps in love with him.

It's okay. It's okay. They'll be together. It's going to be okay. Natsume clasps his hands together, tries to stop them from shaking. Sometimes he's consumed by how important Tanuma is. Of course Natsume hides the spirit world from him. How could he not? How could he not do everything possible to protect his Tanuma?

"That sounds stupid," Aoi tells him, flatly.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you so much for reading :)


	7. Chapter 7

notes/warnings

+ er, roundabout discussion of boobs? this is clearly a very raunchy story, you guys.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Seven<strong>

"Hey, Tanuma?"

"Mm?"

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

It's a bizarre question, but Nishimura is kind of the king of bizarre questions. And at least he's not surreptitiously trying to extract information about Taki's phone number ('_I don't know, I don't have it memorised_,' Tanuma had replied), Taki's cup size ('_she uses a medium sized mug_,' Tanuma had said, '_but she drinks coffee from a small teacup'_), or whether or not Taki is dating Natsume ('_Sometimes I'm pretty convinced she's dating Ponta, actually_').

Predictably, Nishimura doesn't actually wait for Tanuma to answer.

"I think I want to be a journalist."

Tanuma lifts his head. He, Nishimura, and Kitamoto are lying on the grassy hill near the lake. They're supposed to be examining the clouds together, but Tanuma is pretty sure Kitamoto is asleep.

"I thought you were going to study business," Tanuma tells him, "and live with Kitamoto."

"Nah," Nishimura says, brightly. "That was last month. Besides, Kitamoto's probably going to study medicine. His family wants him to be a doctor."

"Oh," Tanuma says, quietly. "It's just, you sounded so certain."

"We're teenagers," Nishimura says, cheerfully. "Nothing is certain, right? I like changing my plans. I don't want to get tied down to anything."

_I do_, Tanuma thinks, but he smiles and nods all the same.

* * *

><p>Things go on much the same for a while. There's a sharp contrast between the different times of day. Natsume spends the mornings in a peaceful lull, surrounded by familiar people and classroom chatter. He spends his afternoons with his heart in his throat, fighting spirits or rescuing spirits or helping spirits, always working hard, always in danger.<p>

He spends the evenings with his heart in his throat and his phone cradled against the side of his face, hanging on to Tanuma's every word.

But every day is not the same. Sometimes things go wrong. Hinoe comes to him because small and medium-sized spirits are starting to disappear from the forest. He and Nyanko search for days on end, but they don't find anything unusual.

Natsume spots the sickness-spirit when he's walking home from school one day. It doesn't see him, but he hears it chanting, over and over, _Natsume Natsume Natsume._

Aoi was right. It is looking for him.

He sees it again at a festival, and has to duck suddenly behind a tree, which worries Touko. He sees it in the school grounds when he's walking with Tanuma, and he reacts violently, shoving Tanuma back into the building and pushing him up against the wall.

"What is it?" Tanuma asks. His voice is soft and sympathetic, like he's more concerned about Natsume's state of mind than his own life.

"It's nothing," Natsume says tensely. He has his hands on either side of Tanuma's ribcage. He's too scared for this to be awkward, too scared to bother with a more plausible lie. "Just stay here for a minute."

"Okay," Tanuma says, resting his chin on top of Natsume's head. "Tell me when it's safe."

Natsume feels his panic dull for a moment. Tanuma always makes everything better.

"I'll keep you safe," Natsume mumbles. "I swear."

* * *

><p>"I want the two of you to be careful," Natsume tells them.<p>

It's late in the afternoon and they're studying together in Taki's kitchen. Tanuma loves being with both of his friends. It's so rare that the three of them get to spend time together, what with Natsume constantly trying to send him home.

"Stay indoors as much as you can," Natsume continues. "There's a really bad spirit roaming around the neighbourhood."

It's vague, but it's still more than he usually deigns to tell Tanuma. This must be particularly nasty.

"And we're safe indoors?" Taki clarifies, tugging on her bangs.

"It doesn't seem to be able to enter houses yet," Ponta tells her.

He's sitting in his new favourite spot; on top of Tanuma's head. Since Tanuma's last growth spurt, Taki hasn't been able to reach him there.

"And we're going to stop it before it learns," Natsume says quietly. He reaches out and traces the chain around Tanuma's wrist with his forefinger.

"H-how are you g-going to do that?" Tanuma asks, stumbling over his words.

"I'm going to search for it," Natsume tells them.

Tanuma's happy, giddy mood evaporates instantly.

"You're going to put yourself in danger," he translates, miserably.

"It'll be fine," Natsume tells him briskly. "Taki, I want you to draw a circle around your entire house, so that you can see if anything comes close. Put another one just outside the gate. And-"

"You're going to put yourself in _danger_," Tanuma says, loudly. "Again!"

Natsume flinches, snatching his hand away like he's been burned. Taki meets Tanuma's eyes, and shakes her head. Tanuma ignores her. Natsume is his friend and the most important thing in his universe and Tanuma hates the idea that he might get hurt.

Or worse.

People can die quickly. People can die so quickly, and then there's nothing anyone can do. Tanuma wants to glue himself to Natsume's side. He wants to go into that world of spirits and adrenaline and vivid, vivid colour. He wants to prop Natsume up and buffer him from harm. He wants to be an actual, proper friend for once.

He wants Natsume to stop shoving him away.

He…he just wants Natsume to live. To be happy. That's all. If he could have that wish granted, even if he never got to be near Natsume ever again, it would be enough.

Tanuma is so scared. He's scared there's never going to be a table. He's scared that one day Natsume will just disappear and he won't even know when or how or why.

"I'm just doing what I have to do," Natsume explains, softly.

"Who says you have to do it?" Tanuma demands. "Why can't Ponta do it? Why can't you organise the other spirits to get rid of this one?"

"Hey, leave me out of this," Ponta says, infuriatingly.

"I can't," Natsume tells him. "I can't let spirits get hurt because of me, either."

"You shouldn't let _yourself_ get hurt," Tanuma says, desperately. He's running out of words. He can't express how he feels, and Natsume is looking crestfallen and awful, and everything hurts. "You shouldn't…when you're out there…and we're _here_…and you say there's something _terrible_…"

"That's enough," Taki says, firmly.

"It is enough," Tanuma agrees, impossibly frustrated. "I'm…I'm going home."

Sometimes, everything is too much for him to deal with.

Sometimes, Natsume is _too_ important.

* * *

><p>Tanuma doesn't speak to Natsume for the entire weekend. Three times Natsume takes out his phone, dials Tanuma's number, and then cancels the call.<p>

He can't do anything. He can't keep himself safe. The whole point of his life is to work with spirits and try to protect the people he cares about. And he wants to protect Tanuma more than anyone else.

He doesn't understand why Tanuma is angry. But he can't fix this. There isn't anything he can do.

Natsume spends the weekend at home. He doesn't go out with Kitamoto and Nishimura. He doesn't visit Taki. He doesn't even talk to Nyanko. He just stays at home, staring at the walls.

On Sunday afternoon, he stumbles across a picture of the green, plastic table in an old catalogue. It's yellowing and frayed around the edges, but Natsume takes it and sticks it to the wall inside his closet, anyway. Then he sits in there, with the door shut and his head on his knees, shaking quietly.

It was a stupid idea, anyway. It was such a stupid dream, and he knew that all along, but _oh god_ he doesn't want to give it up.

* * *

><p>On Sunday afternoon, Taki shows up unannounced.<p>

"You need to talk to Natsume," she says, by way of greeting. "You can't just go on ignoring him."

Tanuma knows. He tries so hard not to trouble Natsume. He tries so hard to keep his thoughts to himself. But now that he's gone and said something, he has no idea what to do about it.

He doesn't want to just take it back. He _is_ worried about Natsume. He hates the thought of his best friend and future…housemate being in so much danger all the time. He wants things to be better for Natsume. He wants Natsume to get the good life he deserves.

Can he say all of that?

"I worry for him too," Taki says, more quietly. "I know you're scared, and I know you're trying to be kind, but if you tell him how you feel, he'll just leave you behind."

"Behind?"

Taki shakes her head.

"He won't stop doing what he's doing. He'll just decide that he's bad for you, and block you out completely."

Tanuma groans and throws his head back.

"I know," he says. "But that means I can never ever say anything."

Their entire relationship is one giant failure at communication. And Tanuma wants to be able to talk to his friend. He's sick of staying silent.

"I'm sorry," Taki says, sympathetically. "I know it isn't fair. I feel the same way that you do."

Tanuma is pretty sure that last statement isn't true.

And when he sees Natsume at school the next day, he doesn't apologise for the things that he said, and he doesn't try to take the words back.

* * *

><p>Tanuma still isn't talking to him, and everything is miserable.<p>

On Thursday Natsume gets caught up trying to stop a leaf-spirit from possessing people in a nearby village. It's cold and raining and he walks to Tanuma's house afterwards, filled with doubt and uncertainty, trying desperately to think of something he can say to make everything okay again.

He just wants his friend back.

The house is still lit up, warm and inviting. Tanuma's father greets him cheerfully and calls for his son. Tanuma himself wanders over, looking exhausted and perhaps a little wary.

"Natsume," he says, quietly. "It's late. What are you doing here?"

"I…" Natsume begins, and then falters. "I…I don't…"

Tanuma sighs.

"You're soaking wet," he says. "It's late. We have leftovers in the fridge. Do you want to stay here?"

He still sounds a little distant.

"Yeah," Natsume replies.

* * *

><p>Natsume is here.<p>

Tanuma is glad. He likes having his friend under the same roof. He likes being able to look up and see Natsume whenever he wants. He likes knowing, for sure and certain, that Natsume is safe.

But Natsume is still fidgety and uncomfortable. He doesn't eat much, and he struggles to meet Tanuma's eyes. And Tanuma feels like a terrible person for making him wait this long. For getting angry and walking away and not explaining himself.

He knew. He knew at the very beginning that he couldn't defend Natsume. He knew Natsume would always go off alone, go off without him. Things are the way they are. Natsume is a hero, and heroes can't be weighed down by useless friends who want to come along for the ride.

Tanuma doesn't want Natsume to block him out.

* * *

><p>Natsume takes a deep breath.<p>

"Tanuma," he begins. "Tanuma, I-"

"I'm sorry," Tanuma says, cutting him off. He's staring at his hands, and not at Natsume. He looks a little ill. "I'm really sorry."

Natsume stops, unable to go on.

"Oh?" he says, weakly. He doesn't understand. Tanuma doesn't have a single thing to apologise for.

"I've been cold to you and Taki, and I've been in such a bad mood," Tanuma continues. "It's not your fault. I shouldn't be so grumpy."

"It's okay," Natsume replies quickly, wanting to give something back. "It's okay. I mean. I used to have bad moods all the time."

"You?" Tanuma says, disbelievingly. "I can't imagine that."

"It's definitely true."

Natsume wants to apologise as well, but he can't. He's not sorry for what he does. He's not sorry for protecting Tanuma. There still isn't anything he can do or say to make this better.

Things still aren't right between them, even after that awkward conversation. Tanuma does his chores in silence and Natsume tries to help. And then Tanuma just goes and stands on the porch, staring into the night. And Natsume goes over to him, because he always wants to be with Tanuma, no matter what.

"Tell me something else about the table," he says softly, feeling pathetic and small.

"It has sharp edges underneath," Tanuma says, promptly, like even during this less-than-pleasant time there was never any doubt. "Where the plastic hasn't been properly smoothed. So it cuts into our knees."

"Nn," Natsume says, briefly closing his eyes. "Of course."

Tanuma watches him for a moment, and then grins and slings his arm over Natsume's shoulders.

"It only cuts into my knees," he corrects. "You don't have the same problem, because you're short."

Natsume twists a little, trying to get his own arm around Tanuma in return. He's missed these moments so much, but he's awkward and clumsy and ends up elbowing Tanuma in the ribs.

"Ow."

"I'm sorry!" Natsume burbles, ducking his head and backing away. "I'm sorry. I didn't-"

"It's fine," Tanuma says, gently. He puts his hand on Natsume's shoulder. "Come on. It's ten o'clock. We should be asleep."

* * *

><p>The next day at school, Tanuma holds his fist out to Natsume in the hall. Natsume taps it with his knuckles and then grins fiercely.<p>

It's hard to be in a bad mood after that.

* * *

><p>For a while, nothing bad happens. Natsume tries to fill in all the spaces in his life with Tanuma. Everything that isn't sleeping or class or spirits. He stays over at Tanuma's every other night, until Touko stops mentioning Taki and starts pointedly telling Natsume that Tanuma is a lovely boy.<p>

Hikari doesn't come back. Natsume doesn't see the sickness spirit again. He hears rumours, but he's learned that spirit gossip is often as empty as human gossip, and he pays them no mind.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you for reading.

+ next chapter may be a little later than usual.


	8. Chapter 8

notes/warnings

+ for some reason, ffn keeps occasionally deleting some of my line breaks. I'll try to keep an eye out for this, but I'd appreciate hearing about any screwy formatting you happen to notice.

+ actual plotty things happening!

* * *

><p><strong>Part Seven<strong>

Tanuma is playing Kitamoto, and he's actually losing. Nishimura keeps poking him and making teasing remarks.

"You're off your game today. Don't you know that the loser has to buy me lunch?"

"We never agreed to that," Kitamoto says, rolling his eyes and neatly capturing another pawn.

"Oh," Tanuma says, quietly. "Good move."

Kitamoto and Nishimura are nice people. He's glad he came to this school. He's glad he's had the chance to get to know them.

He never imagined that his life would be this good.

"Morning," Natsume says brightly, making a beeline for their desks. Tanuma stops for a minute and just watches him.

"Hiiiii," Nishimura says enthusiastically, and gathers Natsume up in a half-hug. "Tanuma is buying everyone lunch. And candy!"

"I still don't remember agreeing to that," Kitamoto mutters.

"Hi," Natsume says, patting Nishimura's back and looking right at Tanuma.

"Hi," Tanuma replies, feeling silly and light-hearted and good.

He goes on playing – and losing – with Natsume standing beside him. Natsume puts his hand on Tanuma's shoulder, which does nothing for Tanuma's concentration, but he really doesn't care. He could owe Nishimura a whole week's worth of meals and it would still be worth it.

"Lunch and candy and cake and icecream," Nishimura chants, twirling dramatically.

"New rule," Kitamoto suggests. "The winner gets to push Nishimura out the window."

"Hey!" Nishimura says loudly. "That's not funny!"

"It _is_ funny," Kitamoto insists, jovially.

"You're not going to be able to cover it in board games, you know," Natsume says quietly, right next to Tanuma's ear.

"Huh?"

"The table," Natsume continues, and the amount of sheer _joy_ in his voice is startling. "I'm making a rule. I'm going to draw a line down the middle and you're only allowed to keep games on one side of the line. The other half will be for tea and eating."

Tanuma just stares at him. He loves board games, and he does have a tendency to leave them lying around every horizontal surface in his house, and of _course_ Natsume has noticed.

"That's mean," Tanuma says, lightly. "Games are important."

Natsume is leaning in and grinning stupidly, so Tanuma reaches out and touches the end of his nose.

"You don't get to make rules about what goes on the table," Tanuma continues, affectionately. "We have to do that together."

Kitamoto clears his throat.

"In case you've forgotten," he says, "there are other people in the room."

Natsume stands up straight, but he doesn't seem particularly panicked. Tanuma turns back to the game.

"What's going on?" Nishimura asks, looking from Tanuma to Kitamoto like he's trying to figure out what he's missed.

"Nothing," Tanuma tells him, feeling comfortable and maybe a little smug. "I believe Kitamoto is going to buy you lunch."

"Hey!" Kitamoto protests, and throws a pencil at his head.

* * *

><p>Natsume and Taki are walking home together when a spirit suddenly jumps out of the bushes in front of them.<p>

"Hey," Natsume says irritably. He skids to a stop, and grabs Taki's arm. "Hey, what are you doing?"

The spirit is child-sized, with big brown eyes and curly hair. He has pointed ears and a racoon-like tail. And he looks angry.

"Oy," Nyanko calls from Natsume's shoulder. "Get out of the way, weakling."

"What is it, Natsume?" Taki asks, worriedly. "What's going on?"

Natsume squeezes her arm, all the reassurance that he can offer.

"The fat pig-cat," the spirit says slowly, his eyes fixed on Natsume's face. "You must be Reiko's grandson, then."

"That's right," Natsume tells him. "Why do you want to know?"

"I admit I wasn't specifically looking for you," the spirit says, clapping his hands together. "But you'll do nicely."

"Wait!" Natsume says, suddenly afraid.

A thick, black fog emanates from the spirit. Taki starts to cough. Natsume drags her down to the ground, covering his own mouth with his free hand. He can't see a damn thing.

A moment later, the fog clears. Nyanko is in his beast-form, and the smaller spirit is dangling from his teeth.

"What did you do?"Nyanko growls. "Those humans are mine."

"If you hurt me, then they'll both die," the spirit tells him. "The only person who can break that curse is me."

"What curse?" Natsume demands. "What's going on, Teacher?"

"There's a mark," Taki says fearfully. "On the back of my hand. Are we cursed, Natsume?"

"What?" Natsume sputters. He grabs Taki's wrist and then checks his own hand.

Sure enough, each of them is sporting an ugly black x-shaped mark. They've been cursed.

"What have you done?" Nyanko snarls, enraged. "Natsume! Show me!"

"Even if you eat me, the curse will stay," the spirit announces. "And if they're still carrying that mark in twenty-four hours, the curse will kill them both."

Even if…the curse will…Taki will _die_?

No. No. _No!_

"What do you want?" Natsume demands, surging forward. "Whatever you want, this girl has nothing to do with it. Remove the mark from her."

"Then I couldn't be sure that you'd help me," the spirit replies, smirking. "Put me down, Madara."

Nyanko makes a guttural, angry noise.

"What do you want?" Natsume repeats. He's been in this situation before. The day he met Taki they were both destined to be killed by a spirit, but he saved her.

He'll save her again. He knows he will, and yet he still feels like his whole stomach has been turned to ice. Having his friends threatened is the most horrible feeling in the world.

More horrible still is the tiny voice in his head that says _at least Tanuma is safe_.

"You can call me Kuro," the spirit tells him. "It's not really my name, so you won't be able to use it to control me."

"You have to promise me," Natsume says, desperately, "that if I help you, Taki will be safe."

"If you help me, then you'll both be fine," Kuro replies dismissively. "I promise. But first, you have to help me find a human. I can't find them on my own. I've looked everywhere, and I'm running out of time."

"What's going on?" Taki asks, sounding a little frightened. "Natsume? What can you see?"

"We have to help a spirit find someone," Natsume says, through gritted teeth.

He was supposed to go and visit Tanuma tonight. Sometimes he really dislikes the spirit-world.

No. He can't say that. He can't turn into Natori. He has to help everyone. This is his _job_; it's what he does.

This is his job, and Tanuma and Taki are his precious friends. He has to balance the two somehow. He has to be good enough.

"I can help," Taki says, dubiously. "I mean, I can use my circles to see spirits, so I can-"

"Taki, don't," Natsume warns.

"The girl has latent ability?" Kuro asks, perking up. "Huh. She can help, then. I'll use a form she can see and hear."

He fidgets with one of the strings hanging from his neck, and a moment later his ears and tail disappear completely.

Taki blinks.

"Oh, you're a child."

"I'm old enough," Kuro snaps. "Now shut up and listen, both of you. You need to find that man before this time tomorrow."

"What man?" Natsume prompts.

"The man who can work miracles," Kuro replies, soberly.

* * *

><p>Tanuma does his chores, humming to himself. The days are getting longer. Summer is coming. The year is rushing by, really. He'll be finished school before he knows it.<p>

Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Maybe good things will happen once he's graduated. Tanuma is pretty sure that he can live with Natsume without any problems. They've been friends for this long, and Natsume has never really been suspicious of him. Besides, Natsume is busy most of the time. They should be fine.

And Tanuma really, really wants to live with Natsume. He can't bear the thought of his new friends – his _only _friends – just disappearing from his life after they graduate from school. He wants them to be together, forever.

He especially wants to be with Natsume. And he's starting to have tiny, fragile hopes that maybe Natsume wants to be with him. At least for a little while. At least until someone better comes along.

Tanuma doesn't kid himself that they'll be together forever, or anything. But he'll take the time that he can have and be happy with it.

He'll take that table.

His phone buzzes, and promptly falls off the desk and onto the floor. Tanuma shuffles across the room and picks it up. A message. From Natsume.

'_I can't visit you tonight. Please stay indoors_.'

Tanuma groans. Something must have happened. Something has happened, and he's being shoved aside, just like always.

Maybe he just shouldn't get his hopes up at all.

* * *

><p>"So let me get this straight," Natsume says, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Ten years ago, a lot of young children didn't die, and you think the priest is responsible?"<p>

"I know the priest is responsible," Kuro says curtly. "Your job is to find him. You have to find me the human who can vanquish illnesses."

"I've heard this story," Taki murmurs. "The village in Emukae, right? Some horrible disease went through the whole prefecture, but in this village, only half as many children died."

"That could just be luck, though," Natsume argues. "Or some other spirit interfering. How do we know the priest had healing powers?"

Natori mentioned something about human healers once, but Natsume had just assumed he was lying. Natori is usually lying, after all.

And what does this mean? Does this priest have anything to do with whoever has been healing Natsume and Taki. Could they use their healer to find this healer?

"Either way, it doesn't matter," Taki says. "That priest left the village many years ago. How would we find him in time?"

"Teacher," Natsume says, abruptly. "Do you have any way of contacting the thing that's been healing us? Any way at all."

Nyanko nibbles at his paw.

"How can I contact it when I don't even know what it is?" he asks. "You've been obsessing over it for months, and even you haven't managed to learn anything. How do you expect me to know?"

"Do you _want_ me to die?" Natsume snaps, frustrated by his teacher's indifference.

"You have a healer?" Kuro interrupts. "Where is it? What is it? Give it to me."

"We can't," Taki tells him. "We don't know what it is. All we know is that when we get sick or hurt, we get better really quickly."

"That's not fair," Kuro growls, clenching his fists. "You're not important. Why should you have a healer?"

"Why do you want to find this priest, anyway?" Taki asks, curiously. Natsume would normally be interested in the answer, but today all he cares about is getting this over with so that Taki can be safe and he can breathe again.

Kuro ignores the question, crossing his arms sullenly over his chest.

"Hey," Natsume says, more gently. "How did you know all this stuff about the Emukae village, Taki?"

"Oh," she replies. "My parents used to talk about it."

"Great," Natsume tells her. "We're going to visit your parents. Right now."

* * *

><p>It's Tanuma's turn to cook. He and his father take it in shifts. He slices the carrot thinly, careful not to miss and cut his fingers. He's in perfect health at the minute, and he doesn't want to carelessly ruin that.<p>

After all, someone always needs his good health, sooner or later.

* * *

><p>Taki's parents are apologetic but unhelpful. All they know is hearsay and rumours, and no names or dates. Natori is similarly useless. He flirts with Taki, offers to seal Kuro, and then grudgingly admits that there's not much he can do for them, because the curse is too strong.<p>

"Be careful," he warns. "Your healer might not be able to protect you from this."

"He was creepy," Kuro comments, as they're walking back down the street. "Human exorcists are always creepy."

"He was creepier than most," Taki agrees, and Natsume is fleetingly proud of her for not falling for Natori's dubious charms. "I hope you don't have to spend much time with him, Natsume."

"Never mind that now," Natsume tells her. "We have no choice but to travel to that village. There's nobody else we can ask here."

"There is someone," Taki says, hesitantly. "I mean, if my parents knew a little, the Fujiwaras might know something as well."

Natsume freezes. He doesn't really want to ask. He's never involved them so closely in any spirit dealings before.

"Teacher," he says, quietly. "If we go back to my house, can you keep this spirit outside?"

Nyanko eyes Kuro warily.

"Sure," he says. "I might be missing something here, but wouldn't it be better to ask Tanuma's father? He is a priest, after all. He probably knows other priests."

"We're not involving Tanuma in this," Natsume replies, firmly.

* * *

><p>Sometimes Tanuma's father walks into the room, opens his mouth like he's going to say something, and then closes his mouth and walks away.<p>

* * *

><p>"I remember that time," Shigeru says, thoughtfully. "Although I'm sure there was a logical explanation for what happened. Those children were probably just immune. Or maybe they had good doctors."<p>

Natsume surreptitiously checks his watch, and fervently hopes that Nyanko can prevent Kuro from entering the house and hurting his family.

Aoi is here, too. Outside, helping Nyanko. She told Natsume she'd try to help. She told Natsume she's going to prove herself to him.

Natsume told her to go away.

"Only the children who went to the temple got better," Touko points out. "It was such a strange thing."

"It was a terrible situation," Shigeru agrees, watching her fondly. "It was the only time we were ever grateful for not having any children."

Oh no, now Natsume has made them sad. The Fujiwaras don't deserve to have sad memories. They deserve to be happy every single day of their lives. They are such wonderful, kind, gentle people, and Natsume is grateful to be with them.

"Only the young children died, right?" Taki asks.

"If I remember correctly, nobody over the age of five died from the outbreak," Shigeru tells her. "But in Emukae, even the very young children lived, if they went to the temple. Why the sudden interest, Takashi? It's not happening again, is it?"

"No," Natsume replies, trying to sound as casual as possible. "It's just…"

"It's for school," Taki supplies. "We have to research recent history, and the essay is due tomorrow afternoon."

Natsume grins at her, gratefully.

"Well, you're wasting your time asking us," Touko says, cheerfully. "You should ask Mr Tanuma."

"Why?" Taki asks curiously, tilting her head.

Natsume's heart sinks, because he suddenly knows exactly what Touko is about to say. Of course. Tanuma's father has powerful spiritual energy. Natsume has known that from the first day they met.

"Because he was the priest in that village at the time," Touko replies. "If anything strange went on, I'm sure he'd be the one to know about it."

"Maybe he has mysterious powers," Shigeru says, and laughs heartily.

Natsume feels ill. If Tanuma's father is the healer, then they have no choice but to involve Tanuma in this. Natsume is going to have to take a dangerous, angry, curse-happy spirit very close to his precious, darling friend. And on top of that, if Tanuma finds out that his father has special abilities, then he might be scared. Or he might be even more upset about not having much ability of his own. The whole situation is awful.

And the whole situation is strange, too. If Tanuma's father is a healer, then why isn't he healing his own son?

* * *

><p>Tanuma is surprised when he hears someone knocking on the door, and even more surprised to find his friends standing on his porch.<p>

"Hi," he says, warmly, going ever-so-slightly weak at the knees.

"Hi," Taki says, briskly.

"Hi," Natsume adds, and then tilts his head. "You have something white on your face."

"Oh," Tanuma says, embarrassed. "It's just foam. I was shaving."

Natsume blinks at him.

"You shave?"

"I _am_ nearly an adult, you know."

Natsume gives this stilted little laugh, and reaches for Tanuma's face. Tanuma ruffles his hair, grinning.

"Natsume, we don't have time for this," Taki says.

"Oh, right," Natsume mutters. "Tanuma, we need to talk to your father."

Tanuma frowns.

"He's around the back," he tells them. "I'll show you-"

"No," Natsume says, firmly. "Please wait here. I don't want to involve you in this."

Tanuma's heart sinks. This is a spirit thing.

So, why do they want to talk to his father? Something is happening. Tanuma is getting thoroughly sick of always being pushed to the side.

"Okay," he replies, dejectedly. "Whatever you say."

* * *

><p>Before they go to the temple, Natsume checks on Nyanko and Kuro. They're waiting a little way up the road. Natsume fervently hopes that they don't venture any closer. He hopes Aoi hasn't followed them here. He wants to protect Tanuma's home from all of the spirits, from all of the bad things.<p>

"You got distracted," Taki tells him. Her voice is soft, but there's a singsong edge to it, like Nishimura when he's teasing someone.

"I'm sorry," Natsume says, emphatically, turning on his heel. "I'll find a way to lift this curse. I promise."

"I believe you," Taki replies.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you for reading


	9. Chapter 9

notes/warnings

+ talk of illnesses

* * *

><p><strong>Part Nine<strong>

For five whole minutes, nothing happens. Tanuma stands in the kitchen, staring at the wall and considering the merits of sneaking outside and trying to eavesdrop.

Because the thing is, if his friends might be hurt, then he needs to know. He's the only one who can help them.

"Oy!"

Ponta appears outside the window suddenly, and Tanuma jumps back in shock.

"Argh!"

"Be quiet," Ponta snaps, sounding oddly stressed. "We don't have much time. I have other things I need to tend to."

Tanuma folds his arms irritably.

"So, why are you here?"

"A spirit put a curse on Natsume and Taki," Ponta says, soberly. "They'll be killed within one day, unless they can find the Emukae healer."

"Healer?" Tanuma echoes, perplexed.

Wait, a curse? They'll be _killed_?

"Don't act stupid with me," Ponta snaps. "They're looking for the reason all those Emukae children didn't die of pneumonia ten years ago. They think your father has healing powers, since he was the priest at the time."

And suddenly, Tanuma understands. Oh god, he understands. That time has finally come back to haunt him. He can't let his friends die. Not today. Not ever. And even if he sacrificed himself, he'd only be able to save one of them.

But what should Tanuma do? His father isn't going to be able to help Taki and Natsume. And if Tanuma goes and tells them the truth, then Natsume will never trust him again.

It's an easy decision, of course. Natsume ignoring him is a thousand million times better than Natsume and Taki being killed. It's an easy decision, but it's not one he thought he'd ever have to make.

"It's…it's okay" he says, tremulously. "It's okay, Ponta. No matter what happens, I won't let my friends die."

"I know," Ponta replies.

* * *

><p>"Mr Tanuma," Natsume says, slowly. "Do you remember the first time we met?"<p>

Tanuma's father shuffles a little closer.

"What is this about, Takashi?" he asks, quietly. "You came here in too much of a rush to be seeking conversation."

Tanuma's father is the only adult that Natsume has ever talked to about spirits. Their conversation was vague, and Natsume didn't confess to anything in particular, but now he might not have any choice.

"You purified the area," Natsume says, carefully. "I was wondering…I need to know if you have any special…abilities."

This could all end horribly. If Natsume does too many strange things, people will start to talk. People will start avoiding him and making fun of him again. It will be just like every other time in his life.

No.

No, it won't be the same. He has friends. Two people in the world who know his secrets and support him anyway. He is so, so incredibly lucky.

He has to protect them at all costs.

Tanuma's father seems to grow sterner. He frowns and folds his arms.

"Why do you ask?"

All Natsume needs to know is that Tanuma's father healed those children. Then he can leave the spirit to its devices and…

…no, he can't do that. He can't leave Kuro if Kuro is going to try and come _into Tanuma's house_. Natsume can't allow that.

What on earth is he going to do?

"What happened in the Emukae village?" Taki asks, abruptly. "Was it some sort of miracle?"

Tanuma's father glances at her, and then at Natsume.

"Is that what this is about?" he asks, coldly.

"I heard a rumour that you have healing powers," Natsume says, feebly. "That's not true, is it?"

For a moment, nobody says a word. Tanuma's father looks genuinely angry.

"I want you to leave," he says, hoarsely. "Right now."

"But-"

"I will show you to the gate," he continues, brushing Taki's protest aside. "In the future, I would recommend that you don't listen to rumours."

"So it _isn't_ true?" Taki says, quickly.

"This conversation is over," Tanuma's father tells her.

And just like that, there is nothing they can do.

* * *

><p>Tanuma watches his father usher Natsume and Taki out onto the footpath. He watches his friends disappear from sight, and then hurries out to meet his father.<p>

"What was that about?" he asks, quietly.

"Nothing," his father replies, curtly.

Tanuma frowns.

"They wanted to know what happened at the Emukae village."

He watches the colour drain from his father's face. They don't talk about this sort of thing. Not today. Not ever.

"You were listening."

"I overheard," Tanuma corrects.

His father rests one clenched fist on top of the fence.

"Go back inside, Kaname," he says, wearily. "It's getting late."

Tanuma doesn't move.

"My friends need help," he says, stubbornly.

"Nobody ever seeks a healer for a good reason," his father grits.

"That's a lie," Tanuma tells him, and he can't believe they're actually _discussing _this. "Natsume Takashi doesn't do anything without a good reason."

"Go back inside, Kaname."

There is panic in his father's voice. Tanuma has never _told_ anyone before. Nobody has ever said the word 'healer' out loud, just like nobody ever talks about the way his mother really died.

Suddenly, and unexpectedly, and just one month after his father was given a few weeks to live. Days after his father miraculously got better.

Tanuma cannot let anything bad happen to his precious friends. He doesn't have to tell them the whole truth. He just has to tell them enough.

"Not yet," he says, pushing past his father. "I need to make sure Natsume and Taki are okay."

Tanuma's father bows his head. Tanuma cannot begin to imagine what he's feeling. It had never occurred to him that something like this might happen.

"I should be back in time for dinner," he adds, and then chases after his friends.

* * *

><p>"What will we do now?" Taki wonders.<p>

"Technically, you've fulfilled your promise," Nyanko points out. "Hey, weakling. They found you the Emukae priest. Now lift the curse and go away."

"No way," Kuro growls. "He wasn't a healer. I need to find a _healer_, and you're going to help me."

"We won't be much use," Natsume informs him. "We'll die tomorrow, remember?"

"If we don't find a healer by tomorrow, it will be too late," Kuro says, sounding suddenly miserable. "I can't let that happen. You _have_ to try."

"Hey, wait up," somebody calls from behind them, and then suddenly Tanuma is right there, right next to Natsume, flushed and panting like he's run all the way from his house.

Natsume feels a rush of happiness, closely followed by a wave of fear. No. This isn't what he wanted at all.

"Tanuma," he begins, softly.

"Who's this?" Kuro demands. "Another human?"

"Tanuma, this person is a spirit," Natsume says, urgently. "I need you to go back home."

"I overheard what you said to my father," Tanuma says to Kuro. "I'm sorry. I know what you're looking for."

"Then, I'll curse you too," Kuro says, decisively. "You can help us."

"_No!"_ Natsume shouts, panicked and furious.

"If you curse me, then I won't help you," Tanuma says, sounding surprisingly calm. "I came here because I know something and I wanted to tell you. But first, you have to tell me why you want to find the healer."

If Tanuma knows something, then his father _must _be the healer. Natsume grinds his teeth, terribly worried. He can't let Taki die, but he desperately doesn't want Tanuma to get involved, either.

Kuro lowers his hands, then reaches into his pocket and produces a creased, worn-looking photograph.

"Who are they?" Taki asks, peering over his shoulder.

"Those two boys are my friends," Kuro says simply, sounding very young. "They…they don't know what I am, but we used to play together. But now the younger boy is sick with pneumonia and in hospital and they say he's going to d-_die_."

"So that's what this is about," Natsume says, quietly.

Tanuma crouches down so that his eyes are level with Kuro's, and studies the photograph carefully.

"What's his name?" he asks, gently.

"Shibuimaru Kenji," Kuro replies. "And I'm going to make sure he gets better, no matter what."

"Geeze," Nyanko interjects. "Getting attached to humans is such a _pain_."

"Lucky you'd never do anything crazy like that," Tanuma intones, and then touches Kuro's shoulder. "Thanks for explaining things to me, little spirit."

Natsume manages to push between the spirit and Tanuma, and rests his palm on Tanuma's chest.

"Please keep your distance," he requests, quietly.

Tanuma touches the back of his hand.

"Understood," Tanuma replies.

"So?" Taki asks, putting her hands on her hips. "Is your father a healer, or not? Because if he's not, then we're wasting our time here."

Kuro stares at Tanuma with this ridiculously hopeful expression on his face. He must really love this Shibuimaru boy.

Everything always comes down to love, doesn't it?

"He's not," Tanuma chokes. "I'm sorry."

* * *

><p>Tanuma's heart is pounding against his ribs. He's never done this before. He's never told anyone before. It was always something he did and never something he spoke about, until he was playing the same game as his father and pretending it wasn't even happening.<p>

Natsume's hand is warm against his chest. He doesn't want this moment to end. He doesn't want his friends to stop trusting him.

"I _hate_ you!" Kuro yells. "If you can't help us, then just _go away_!"

"My father wants to be able to heal people," Tanuma murmurs, toeing the ground. "I know he does. When that illness first spread to the Emukae village, and children started dying, he stopped sleeping. He didn't rest for _weeks_."

"Kenji has the same sickness," Kuro says, sullenly. "Your doctors said so. Should I believe them, or are _all_ humans incompetent?"

Tanuma tries not to grimace, tries not to remember how hard it was, and how much everything hurt, all the time.

It won't hurt this time. If it's the same illness, it shouldn't hurt a near-adult like him.

"We should go," Natsume suggests. "We shouldn't be making you relive bad memories. And I need to save Taki before we run out of time."

Tanuma addresses Kuro, because it's easier than looking at Natsume.

"If Kenji gets better, you'll let my friends go, right?" he says, carefully.

Kuro eyes him warily.

"Yes," he says. "I promised."

"Tanuma?" Natsume ventures. "I thought you said your father couldn't-"

"He can't," Tanuma interrupts, feeling sick. "_I_ can."

* * *

><p>Natsume laughs out loud, because the idea is ridiculous.<p>

"You can't be," he points out. "We would know if you were."

Tanuma gives him this oddly nervous look and then turns back to Kuro.

"Remove the curse," he says, firmly.

Kuro nods, wide-eyed. A moment later, the mark disappears from Natsume's hand. When he checks over his shoulder, Taki's hand is clear, too.

He gets it. Tanuma is clever. He's convinced the spirit and gotten the curse lifted. Now they can all go home, and Kuro can find a real healer, somehow.

"How do you do it?" Kuro asks, eagerly.

"He can't do it," Natsume explains. "He's not a healer."

This isn't right. They should be running away now.

"Natsume," Taki says, worriedly.

"I am a healer," Tanuma murmurs, without looking at him.

"No," Natsume says, because this is getting stupid now. This is getting stupid and he's starting to feel uneasy. "No, we have a proper healer who's been healing us. For like, ages."

"A healer who has been healing you and not me," Tanuma says. He clasps his hands in front of his face and closes his eyes. "Because I can't heal myself."

That…actually makes a lot of sense. Taki touches Natsume's arm, but he ignores her.

"You would have told me," he repeats, weakly. He and Tanuma don't have secrets.

Well, Natsume has secrets. But they're important ones. Those secrets exist to protect people. And that's how their relationship works. Natsume is the one who protects people.

Tanuma doesn't answer for a moment. He looks like he's concentrating on something. Then he opens his eyes and gets to his feet.

"Go and see your friend," he says to Kuro.

Kuro beams at him, suddenly reminiscent of the young fox spirit that Natsume befriended last year.

"Thank you!" he says, and promptly disappears.

"Tanuma," Natsume says, shakily. "Tanuma, you-"

"I'm sorry," Tanuma says, softly, bowing his head. "Natsume. Taki. I'm really sorry. I never told you. I never told anyone. It was always my secret. But I couldn't bear the thought of the two of you suffering, when I could do something about it."

"It should have occurred to us," Taki says, smiling a little.

"No," Natsume says, reeling. "No. You can't…you shouldn't…"

"I'm sorry," Tanuma repeats. "I knew you probably wouldn't want to talk to me if you ever found out. And I wanted us to still be friends."

Natsume doesn't know what to say or what to do. Tanuma has powers, and that's not okay. Tanuma has powers that could allow people to use him, that might tempt spirits to be near him.

Tanuma has…

"Does it hurt you?" he demands. "Does healing cost you anything?"

* * *

><p>Tanuma tilts his head. Natsume looks somewhere between 'furious' and 'about to cry', and he wishes he could take that pain away as easily as he can remedy an injury. He wishes he'd never had to do this.<p>

He wanted more time. He wanted that apartment.

He wants Natsume to forgive him someday.

"No," he lies. "Sometimes I get a bit tired, and I can't always heal everyone that I want, but that's all."

Natsume nods once, and then scrubs his hand over his face.

"Right," he mumbles. "I see. I, um. I have to go."

He turns and walks off without another word.

Somehow, it's even worse than Tanuma had anticipated.

* * *

><p>Natsume doesn't leave his room to eat dinner, and he ignores the spirits that tap on his window. He can't deal with anything else today.<p>

"Did you know?" he asks Nyanko.

"It had crossed my mind," Nyanko says, offhandedly. "But what do I care about the affairs of humans?"

"I wish you had told me," Natsume says, staring at the ceiling. "I wish _he_ had told me."

"Why would he tell you anything?" Nyanko asks. "You've just proven to him that you make a big deal and get angry when he shares his secrets."

"He's not supposed to keep things from me," Natsume says. "We're supposed to be friends. We're supposed to get-"

"If you start talking about the damn table again, I'm going to leave the room," Nyanko warns him.

"Green," Natsume murmurs. "With a line down the middle. And soy sauce stains, and…and everything."

"So call him, and tell him you overreacted," Nyanko suggests.

All this time, Natsume thought he was protecting Tanuma. But Tanuma was protecting him, instead. Tanuma is stronger than he is. No matter what happens to Natsume, Tanuma can always heal him.

That certainty is terrifying. Natsume doesn't know what to do.

"No," he whispers. "Not yet."

* * *

><p>Natsume doesn't talk to him the next day at school, or the day after that, either. He doesn't exactly ignore Tanuma, but their paths don't cross and they don't talk on the phone and nobody asks him about any tables.<p>

Tanuma wonders if Natsume is deliberately hiding from him. If he's trying to stop Tanuma from healing him, on top of everything else.

It won't work. Tanuma can heal Natsume whenever he wants. He could do it every few seconds, if he chose. He can heal people while they're on the opposite side of the world. Nothing can stop him.

Besides, it's more likely that Natsume is just angry with him.

At lunchtime, Natsume passes him with nothing more than a glance and a cursory, halfhearted wave. But he stops a few feet away to talk to Kitamoto, smiling like nothing is wrong.

Tanuma feels awful.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you for reading

+ I don't know whether I'll get to update next week, as I'll be travelling around a lot. if I don't manage it, will update the week after.


	10. Chapter 10

notes/warnings

+ no warnings for this chapter.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Ten<strong>

Natsume dodges Nyanko's welcome-home pounce and Touko's worried questions, muttering something about having a lot of homework to do.

He hates that Tanuma makes him feel so bad. He hates that suddenly he has something so important in his life that he can't even appreciate the Fujiwaras.

Natsume stops mid-step, and considers this carefully.

Gosh, he's so _lucky_.

He's got a nearly-proper family and a guardian who might never leave him ever, and actual friends at school, and Tanuma.

Tanuma, who is a _healer_.

And that's the problem really, isn't it? Natsume cares for him so very, very deeply, that the secrecy actually hurts. Natsume thought they were closer than that. He'd thought that maybe their future together was a given.

Aoi is sitting on his desk, with her arms and legs folded.

"You're sad," she observes, as soon as Natsume steps into the room.

"Please go away," Natsume says, flatly. He closes the door behind him, and sets Nyanko down on the floor.

Aoi grabs his wrist.

"I'll go away, then," she says, determinedly. "But there must be something I can do for you. I could…I could buy you human food."

"I have human food here," Natsume points out, fighting the urge to roll his eyes.

"Didn't I do a good job of keeping the racoon away?" Aoi presses. "I stayed here and guarded the house until you came back, just like you asked!"

Natsume groans. Clearly she isn't going to leave him alone unless he thinks of something for her to do.

And. Well, actually, there _is_ something she can do.

"You can watch over Tanuma for me," he suggests. "You aren't allowed to go near him, though. You have to stay at least ten feet away."

"I _hate_ Tanuma," Aoi says, emphatically.

"Then you are _evil_," Natsume pronounces. "T-Tanuma is the nicest…the b-best…the most gentle…"

Natsume tastes saltwater, and realises he's crying. Awkwardly, Aoi reaches out and touches his arm.

"Okay," she says, hurriedly. "I'll go and watch him, then. Just… just stop being sad."

"Thank you," Natsume says, genuinely grateful. "Please report back to me tomorrow morning."

He wants Tanuma to be safe. He wants this week to never have happened. He wants everything, and he has no idea what to do.

* * *

><p>Something new is casting a shadow over the pond. Something tall and human-looking. Tanuma fancies that it's a mermaid.<p>

He wishes that Natsume was here, so that Tanuma could ask about it.

Before Tanuma met Natsume, the spirit world was kind of a frightening place. Tanuma used to see strange things, sometimes. Frightening things with no head or too many legs or massive fangs. Frightening things that nobody else could see, that only seemed to exist in his peripheral vision.

But then Natsume came along, with his soft smile and his huge heart, and made everything okay.

No matter what happens, Tanuma will always heal him. Tanuma will never let him die.

This is what his father was afraid of, isn't it?

"Hi-iii!" someone says, appearing suddenly right on the porch next to Tanuma.

"Little racoon spirit," Tanuma says, forcing a smile. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to thank you," the spirit tells him. "Kenji is fine now, and I'm so happy. And I wanted to repay you. Hinoe from the forest says that healers always have to pay. So I want to give back whatever it cost you."

Tanuma freezes for a moment. Then he steels himself, and tries to sound as friendly as possible.

"There is something that you can do for me," he says, thoughtfully.

"I knew it!" the spirit says, bouncing around. "Hey, I'm pretty sure I can make humans fall in love with other humans, if you want. That girl that you were with-"

"No, don't ever do that," Tanuma interrupts, horrified. "That is never okay."

"Aww, fine. What do you want, then?"

"I want you," Tanuma enunciates, "to keep my secret."

"Huh? That doesn't sound like much of a favour."

"It's a favour, because it means a lot to me," Tanuma explains. "Imagine if all of your spirit friends found out about me. How many of them would want me to heal people? I'd be worn out. So…don't tell anyone. About the healing thing, or the paying thing."

"Understood," the spirit replies, saluting. "Thank you very much."

"No problem," Tanuma replies. It's kind of amazing to actually be thanked. He's used to people attributing his work to miracles and priests and gods and sheer good luck.

"Oh, by the way, there's a fish spirit hanging around. Do you want me to get rid of her?"

"In the pond?" Tanuma asks, unsurprised.

"Yeah," the spirit confirms, pointing. "How did you know?"

"A lucky guess," Tanuma tells him. "But leave her alone. I'm going inside now, anyway."

"Right," the spirit says. "No problem. Goodbye, Mr Tanuma!"

Tanuma closes the door and rests his head against it, his temporary pleasant mood already vanishing.

* * *

><p>Natsume wakes up to find Aoi standing on his pillow.<p>

"You look really nice when you're asleep," she tells him.

Natsume groans and sits up.

"How is he?" he asks, groggily rubbing his eyes.

It kind of hurts to say Tanuma's name.

"He's fine," Aoi reports. "He mostly sat around looking miserable. I'm pretty sure he said something to that old man he lives with. Oh, and that racoon spirit went to him, but then it went away again."

"Kuro?" Natsume asks, wide awake. "Kuro went to Tanuma? What did he want?"

"To thank him or something. I dunno. It's hard to make out conversation when you have to stay ten feet away," Aoi informs him, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Still, I need to make sure spirits stay away from him," Natsume says, worriedly. "He's more vulnerable now than he was before."

"Would it help if I said he misses you?" Aoi asks. "Because he misses you."

"I'm sure he doesn't," Natsume replies. But he hopes. Oh god, he hopes.

* * *

><p>Taki sits with Tanuma before school. She keeps fidgeting with the strap of her bag, like she has something on her mind.<p>

"Just say it," Tanuma suggests, too exhausted to be polite. "If you're angry at me, just say so."

"Actually," Taki says softly, "I wanted to thank you. You've healed me so many times, and I never even realised. There's a lot of pain and suffering that I never had to feel because of you."

"It's nothing," Tanuma replies. "It's what I do. But I'd rather not discuss it in a public place."

"Right," Taki says. "But I was thinking last night. You're pretty much the best friend that I have."

Tanuma stares at her.

"Thanks," he says, after a moment.

Privately, he thinks that Natsume should be her best friend. He's far more precious and noble than Tanuma. But it's not his place to say so.

"Natsume still isn't speaking to you, huh?" Taki asks. "I'm kind of surprised."

"I don't want to talk about that, either," Tanuma tells her, choking on the words.

"I have to say, I can't wait until you two move in together," Taki continues. "At least then some of this awful uncertainty will disappear and you'll both be able to be happy."

"What?" Tanuma says, suddenly dizzy. "You can't say that! You can't say it like it's definitely going to happen. Don't…don't say that to me now."

"Sorry," Taki says, promptly.

She doesn't comment when Tanuma wipes at his eyes a moment later.

* * *

><p>Natsume sees Tanuma when he's walking to his third class. The hallway is crowded, but Tanuma is looking right at him.<p>

He's wearing a soft, worn-out shirt, and his hair is more of a mess than usual. He also looks really upset, and it occurs to Natsume suddenly that his current attitude isn't sustainable. He needs to be able to look after Tanuma. He needs to be able to comfort him and take care of him, secrets or no secrets.

It's not like Natsume has told him about the book of friends.

When Natsume gets close, Tanuma holds out his fist. He has a desperately sad expression on his face. Like he knows he's doomed to fail. Like he's trying anyway. Like Natsume is just that valuable.

_Aoi wasn't lying_, Natsume thinks, as he walks by.

Tanuma missed him. Okay. It's not like the most important thing in the…

No, it's the most important thing in the world.

Dazed, Natsume turns on his heel, with only the vaguest of plans in his head. Because this time, he's the one who is angry, and he's the one who's been doing all the avoiding and ignoring.

He's the one who can fix this.

Tanuma could lie about everything every second of his life, and Natsume would still love him.

Tanuma lets his fist drop back to his side, his lower lip trembling. Natsume marches up to him, grabs his wrist and tugs hard, dragging Tanuma off-balance just long enough for Natsume to get both his arms around Tanuma's shoulders and hold on tightly.

* * *

><p>For a moment Tanuma cannot move, is immobilised by shock. Natsume is warm and smells the way he always smells, like summer and soap and the Fujiwaras' house.<p>

Tanuma was so scared they'd never even have a proper conversation again, and now Natsume is hugging him in the middle of the crowded hallway, in the middle of school, in the middle of the day.

He doesn't understand, but that really, really doesn't matter right now.

Tanuma crosses his arms over Natsume's back and pulls him closer. People are watching them. He wonders if he's being forgiven.

"Hi," Natsume says, quietly and awkwardly, like this is difficult for him.

"Hi," Tanuma replies, against the side of Natsume's face. "Listen. I'm really sorry."

"It's okay," Natsume says, quickly, smoothing Tanuma's shirt.

Tanuma sort of wants to cry. He wants to have a breakdown right here, with Natsume hanging onto him, in this place where he is completely safe.

"But," he says hoarsely, "I didn't-"

"It's okay."

_It's okay_.

He is being forgiven. Even though he hasn't done a damn thing to deserve it.

"Okay," Tanuma says, softly. "Thank you."

"Hey!" Sasada says, from right behind Tanuma. "Stop fooling around, Natsume. You're going to be late to class."

And this could be horrible, like that time in the storage closet, but nothing happens at all. Natsume doesn't move. His embrace doesn't weaken. Tanuma feels like he's won something.

Like he's won everything.

"In a minute," Natsume tells her brightly, like there's no hurry at all.

* * *

><p>After that, the rest of the day is fine. Natsume sits through his classes in a daze, perfectly happy with the state of the world. He ignores the people staring at him, and the murmurs, the unnecessary remarks. He ignores Sasada questioning the nature of his relationship with Tanuma.<p>

_He's_ not questioning any more. They are friends. They are going to be okay.

Natsume will do everything he can to make sure that they are okay.

He visits Tanuma after school. They sit outside on the porch, and drink iced tea. Tanuma's father greets Natsume normally, as if last week never happened.

Natsume still doesn't understand why he was so hostile.

"Does your father know?" he queries.

It occurs to him suddenly that maybe Tanuma's father is frightened of his own son. That maybe Tanuma's life mirrors Natsume's own. The life of a freak. The life of someone with powers. The life of a person who doesn't belong.

If that is true, then Natsume will defend Tanuma from everyone. He'll make sure Tanuma is always comfortable. He'll find a way, somehow.

"Yes," Tanuma replies. "He worries about me a lot. He doesn't like me healing people."

Worry is not the same as fear. Natsume relaxes a little.

"He wants you to be normal?"

Tanuma smiles weakly.

"I think he worries that otherwise, I'll be unhappy," he says. His voice is strained, like this conversation is difficult for him.

"But you're not unhappy?" Natsume questions.

"I'm not unhappy," Tanuma tells him. "I like being able to help my friends."

"Ah," Natsume replies. He completely understands.

And as long as Tanuma's protecting people isn't costing Tanuma anything, he will be okay with it. Health is a gift that Natsume cannot repay, and that is distinctly problematic, but he wants Tanuma to be happy. He wants Tanuma to be happy, and he wants Tanuma to be okay, and he wants Tanuma to stay near him.

The world is so complicated. People are so complicated. Friendship is so complicated.

People are so _precious_.

"Natsume?" Tanuma asks, sounding tired.

"Yes?"

"Tell me about it."

Natsume frowns.

"About what?"

Tanuma hunches forward, like he doesn't even have the energy to sit properly.

"About the table," he clarifies, his voice barely a whisper.

Natsume hesitates. Tanuma has never asked him this before. It was always Natsume doing the asking.

What does this mean? That Tanuma wants to be reassured? That their friendship actually has changed?

That they're really going to do it, this thing where they live together and Natsume never has to worry, never has to feel alone?

Natsume can't think of a single thing to say. The table never feels real, except when Tanuma is talking about it. It seems like this wonderful, impossible, beloved thing. Like it's something he'll never actually have, but always want.

The table is like Tanuma, in a lot of ways.

"I don't know," Natsume admits.

"Ah," Tanuma replies, struggling to his feet. "Right. Of course. I should, um. I should go and get some more tea."

Natsume panics, vaguely aware that he's making some sort of mistake.

"There are cobwebs," he says, which is ridiculous, because nobody actually has _cobwebs on their table_, no matter how slovenly they might be. "Underneath. Where the legs join the top. Old cobwebs, without spiders. We'll…we'll clean them off one day. With rags."

Tanuma gives him a tiny smile. Natsume meets his eyes, and Tanuma's smile grows and grows until it is huge, until he looks like sunshine personified. Natsume wants to touch his face.

"Yes," Tanuma says, emphatically. "Yes, we will."

* * *

><p>The next day, the sickness spirit passes Natsume's house, wandering right up underneath his window. It's bigger than Natsume remembers, with long fangs and more flagellae than before.<p>

He hears it mutter his name. Nyanko hisses quietly and presses himself to the back of Natsume's leg.

Natsume doesn't leave his room for half an hour.

This isn't over yet.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an:

+ thank you for reading


	11. Chapter 11

notes/warnings

+ this is an in-between sort of chapter. for those of you who might be wondering, we're approaching the final plot now.

+ fanart: I am lucky enough that someone drew some gorgeous fanart inspired by this fic. the link is here: seymour-ridmonton(dot)deviantart(dot)com/art/NT-deeper-misunderstanding-303933905. Seymour-Ridmonton is seriously amazing.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Eleven<strong>

"What is it with you and Natsume, anyway?" Sasada demands, for the eighteenth time since lunch.

She's twisted around in her chair, so that she can rest both elbows on Tanuma's desk and interrogate him as thoroughly as possible.

Tanuma stares at her silently, and wishes he actually had a good comeback. People have been mocking him all day, and his more polite classmates keep shooting him expectant looks, like they think he's going to snap and bearhug someone _else_ any second now.

He doesn't mind being teased, but he wishes they'd leave Natsume alone. Natsume hasn't done anything to deserve this. He was only trying to be kind to Tanuma.

"You're just jealous," Nishimura says, haughtily, from somewhere above Tanuma's head.

"Am not," Sasada snaps at him.

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Shut up, before I put you on detention."

"You can't put me on detention, you're just the class rep."

"Can too."

"Can not."

"Can _too_."

Tanuma sighs and rests his head on his arms. It's still another two hours before he can go home, another two hours before he gets to see Natsume again.

* * *

><p>"I want to be a doctor," Taki says, out of nowhere. "I want to be able to help people in as many ways as I can."<p>

They're playing board games in Tanuma's living room. Or rather, Tanuma and Taki are playing, and Natsume is content just to sit as close to Tanuma as humanly possible.

"You'll have to spend a long time studying, then," Tanuma points out.

"Shouldn't _you_ be the doctor?" Natsume asks, nudging him. He's okay with it, now. He can make jokes.

Tanuma nudges him right back.

"No thanks," he says. "I don't want to spend a decade at university learning how to do something I've been able to do since before I lost my baby teeth."

"Good point," Natsume says. He's a little disappointed. The longer he and Tanuma study, the longer they'll be able to stay together before they have to go out into the real world and get jobs and wives and mortgages and…

…and he doesn't want to think about that at all. One thing at a time.

"I think I have the perfect job for Sasada," Tanuma continues, his expression darkening a little. "Town crier."

"I'm pretty sure that's an outdated vocation," Taki tells him, smiling.

"I don't care."

Something taps on the window. Natsume looks up immediately, and sees a giant hoof hovering outside the window.

"What is it, Natsume?" Taki asks. "Is someone there?"

"It's Misuzu," Nyanko says, jumping onto Natsume's shoulder. "Shall we go and see what he wants?"

Natsume frowns. Spirits aren't allowed to come here. This is a safe place, where Tanuma lives.

"No," he instructs Nyanko. "Tell him to go away. Tell him to come and visit me at my house, later tonight."

He turns back to his friends.

"I don't want the two of you getting involved," he explains, gently.

He nearly misses the way Taki bites her lip, like there's something she wants to say. He doesn't miss Tanuma's barely-perceptible, exhausted-sounding sigh.

* * *

><p>When they say goodbye, Natsume kind of half holds out his arms, like he isn't sure whether to hug Tanuma again or not.<p>

Tanuma kind of mirrors his stance, and waits. He's not great at affection, but he desperately doesn't want to scare Natsume off, either.

He's not great at affection, but he wants Natsume to touch him all the time.

Natsume ends up pushing their hands together, like a weird sort of prolonged high-five. And Tanuma is so glad that Natsume is still his friend, still a part of his life. He's so glad that Natsume forgave him. He's so relieved that he didn't tell Natsume the whole truth.

"Call me when you're done with the spirit?" Tanuma asks.

He wants to know that everything is okay. He wants to know if there's healing to be done.

Natsume tilts his head to one side and grins.

"Okay," he says, sunnily.

"Okay," Tanuma echoes, and hangs on to Natsume's hands a little longer.

* * *

><p>Misuzu is as intimidating and respectful as ever.<p>

"Large and medium-sized spirits are starting to disappear, Lord Natsume," he says slowly. "The sickness spirit is destroying us."

"How do you know it's the sickness spirit?" Nyanko demands. "Spirits attack each other all the time. It could be anyone."

"I am confident. They only started vanishing in such numbers after that creature showed up," Misuzu informs him. A tiny, delicate-looking frog bounces out of his mane and lands squarely on Natsume's head.

"Aoi told me to stay away from it, though," Natsume muses. "What does it do? Am I strong enough to beat it?"

"I do not know," Misuzu tells him, reluctantly. "But I know that, for the first time in decades, I fear for my life. You must help us."

"If you use the book of friends properly," Nyanko points out, "you could summon an army."

"Or the spirits could organise _themselves_ into an army," Natsume suggests, glaring at both of them.

They won't. He knows they won't. Misuzu is a powerful spirit. If he is afraid, then the others must be very afraid. And the sickness spirit keeps wandering around the streets. It's only a matter of time before someone important gets hurt.

"That will not work," Misuzu intones. Another frog falls from his ear, and starts croaking loudly as soon as it hits the floor.

"I'll do what I can," Natsume tells him. "But you must understand that I have precious friends and family. I won't do _anything_ that will endanger them."

"Understood," Misuzu replies.

* * *

><p>"So, will you just hug anyone now?" Sasada enquires. "Or is Natsume special to you?"<p>

Tanuma eyes her wearily. Another student elbows him roughly as they pass, and he wonders if it's deliberate.

"I make a point of not hugging people who interrogate me about my friends," he says, balefully.

He's starting to get awfully sick of this.

* * *

><p>When Natsume gets home the next afternoon, Aoi grabs him before he can even take off his shoes.<p>

"You can't listen to that cow," she says, by way of a greeting. "You can't go _near_ the sickness spirit. Not any human, but especially not _you_."

"Why?" Natsume asks, tiredly. He mostly just wants to go upstairs and lie on the floor and call Tanuma. "Because you like me?"

"Because you are strong, idiot," Aoi says. "Because it only attacks strong people."

"That doesn't make any sense," Natsume tells her. "Weak humans and spirits would be easier to attack."

And then another thought occurs to him.

"Do you consider Tanuma to be weak, Aoi?"

Aoi rolls her eyes dramatically.

"Your darling friend is safe," she sneers. "Probably. But you need to keep yourself safe, too."

"I believe you are mistaken," Natsume says, simply. "I should try and get rid of this spirit now, before it becomes more powerful."

"At least _check_," Aoi says, her voice strained. "If you don't believe me, at least research the sickness spirit. Talk to your exorcist friends. Sickness spirits devour the strong, and then they…"

"And then they _what_?"

Aoi tugs hard on her hair, and chews on her lip like she's really, truly frightened.

"Multiply," she finishes. "Please, Natsume. Please, please be careful."

* * *

><p>"Have you seen Natsume today?" Tanuma asks, quietly. Kitamoto and Nishimura haven't teased him even once, but he's worried someone else might hear.<p>

He's more concerned by how frightened and distracted Natsume sounded during their phone call last night. Something is happening. Again.

"No," Nishimura says, taking a long drink from his soda can. Then he shields his eyes and squints into the distance. "Oh, wait. Now I have."

A few minutes later, Natsume reaches them, red-faced and gasping for breath.

"Good morning!" Nishimura chirps.

"Is everything okay?" Tanuma asks, frowning. Natsume's next class is in the opposite direction. Tanuma knows this, because he knows everything about Natsume. Except the things that Natsume keeps hidden from him, of course. Everyone has their secrets.

"Yeah," Natsume pants, resting his head on Tanuma's shoulder. "I-I just wanted to say hi."

"Oh," Tanuma says, relieved. He reaches up and pushes Natsume's hair out of his eyes. He's glad that Natsume just wanted to see them, that he isn't being chased by some horrible vengeful spirit.

"Hi," Kitamoto tells Natsume.

"Hi," Nishimura chimes in.

"Hi," Natsume answers cheerfully, but he keeps looking right at Tanuma. He's all flushed and _gorgeous_ and Tanuma keeps his hands fisted carefully at his sides.

Someone whistles at them anyway, and Natsume promptly blanches and hangs his head.

"I should go," he says, quietly, and rushes off in the direction he came.

Kitamoto clicks his tongue loudly.

"This is getting out of hand," he says.

"Right," Nishimura agrees. "People need to find something else to talk about, already."

Nishimura's voice sounds a little strange. He's coming down with a cold. Tanuma could maybe heal him, but first he needs to know that Natsume is okay.

"There's nothing we can do about that, though," he says, sagely.

"Hm," Kitamoto replies.

* * *

><p>Natsume spends two days researching; talking to friendly spirits and studying Taki's textbooks. And yet, he still comes up with nothing. The books don't mention multiplying spirits, and all he learns is that the residents of the forest are scared and desperate for his help.<p>

He learns from Benio that there are at least two sickness spirits at the moment, maybe more.

"You shouldn't be out here," Hinoe adds, tugging at her mask. The character for 'worm' is scrawled across the front of it. The stronger spirits are disguising themselves as weak spirits. "It will be able to sense how powerful you are. It's only a matter of time before it finds you."

"I see," Natsume replies.

He leaves shortly afterwards, with his hands shoved deep into his pockets. This isn't a simple situation. He needs help. Real help.

"Everyone is so useless," Nyanko complains.

"So are you," Natsume points out.

He wants to go and see Tanuma tonight. He wants to listen to his most precious friend talk about school and annoying classmates and embarrassment, and other normal things. He wants to remind himself that despite all of this worry and fear, Tanuma is safe.

But.

"You're going to go to Natori, aren't you?" Nyanko asks.

"Yes," Natsume replies.

He has no choice.

* * *

><p>The cold is a particularly nasty one. Tanuma's head hurts, and he feels muzzy and uncomfortable. He's starting to regret healing Nishimura, because if he needs to heal Natsume over the next couple of days, he's going to make Natsume sick.<p>

Sometimes Tanuma feels like he's still learning how to make good choices.

He goes to his afternoon class, occasionally stumbling in the throng of students. Someone makes an unkind comment, but he doesn't have the wherewithal to reply. There's some sort of incident up ahead. People have stopped moving, and Tanuma can hear people shouting.

"You never pay me any attention! You're always thinking about _her_!"

"Shut up! You never pay me any attention either!"

Tanuma freezes. He knows those voices. He supports his aching head with one hand, and manages to elbow his way to the front of the sizeable crowd, where he finds Taki.

"What's going on?" she asks, quietly. "Aren't Nishimura and Kitamoto supposed to be the best of friends?"

"You're immature!" Kitamoto shouts, damningly.

"Yes?" Tanuma ventures. "I have no idea why this is happening."

It's their final year. Everyone is getting stressed. Maybe they just snapped?

"You look awful," Taki says, sympathetically. "Did you get Nishimura's cold?"

For a moment, Tanuma is terrified that she's figured him out. And then he realises that she's just referring to the fact that colds are contagious.

"I must have," he mutters.

"His barely lasted a day," Taki comments. "You should be fine in no time."

Nishimura would probably be euphoric to know that Taki pays him enough attention to notice whether he's healthy or not. But maybe this isn't the best time to tell him.

"You're ugly!" he hollers back. "I hate your stupid face!"

"You _love_ my stupid face," Kitamoto crows, sounding very unlike himself.

Tanuma is suddenly struck by the realisation that whatever they're doing, it isn't real. Kitamoto and Nishimura are putting on a show. But he doesn't see any cameras in the crowd, and nobody else seems to be in on the act.

Nishimura pretends to be deflated by Kitamoto's words.

"Yes," he confesses, miserably. "I love your stupid face."

Kitamoto hesitates, and scans the crowd. When he sees Tanuma, he nods, just once. Then he closes the gap between Nishimura and himself in three steps, and kisses Nishimura right on the mouth.

The girls standing to Tanuma's left start squealing, and Taki starts laughing, and Tanuma still has absolutely no idea what is going on.

* * *

><p>It hasn't been a great day. Classwork is hard, Nyanko is being especially annoying, and Natsume is dreading the afternoon, because he has to go and see Natori and won't get to spend any time with Tanuma.<p>

To top it off, everyone is spreading stupid rumours about his friends. Which doesn't even make sense, because they would never have a fight in the middle of the hall, and they certainly wouldn't kiss afterwards.

"Hii," Nishimura says, slinging his arm around Natsume's neck. He's apparently unperturbed by the gossiping. "Guess what? Kitamoto and I had a fight in the middle of the hall, and then kissed afterwards."

Natsume stares at him.

"What?" he asks, shakily. "Why?"

"We got sick of everyone talking about you and Tanuma," Kitamoto replies, easily..

Natsume gapes at them, struck momentarily dumb.

"But," he says faintly. "Everyone will spread rumours about you for months. You'll never live it down."

As if to prove his point, one of the passers-by whistles at them. Nishimura waves and smiles. He's probably ruined his chances with Taki forever. And he and Kitamoto aren't even close friends with Natsume. They're not even people he considers precious, and yet Natsume feels like his heart might explode.

Why would anyone do something like this for someone like him?

"So?" Kitamoto asks. "I've been in plays before, and Nishimura loves drama. We're fine with it."

"And our friendship is never strained," Nishimura adds. "Your relationship with Tanuma is really important, right? We didn't want stupid people making things hard for you."

"Oh," Natsume says quietly, and he loves this world, he loves everything about it. He will find the sickness spirit and vanquish the sickness spirit and protect everyone and then somehow find a way to repay all these wonderful people in his life. "Oh. Thank you."

"No problem," Kitamoto replies.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ sorry for the late update. my real life is starting to get a little more involved, so updates may not always be weekly from now on. I promise to do the best I can.

+ thank you for reading.


	12. Chapter 12

notes/warnings

+ in which Natume discovers things, and Tanuma continues to be the World's Best Boyfriend without actually officially being anyone's boyfriend.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Twelve<strong>

"I'm glad you wanted to meet up," Natori enthuses.

"I didn't come here just to see you," Natsume replies, as politely as he can manage. "There's-"

"There's something terrible in the forest," Natori interrupts. "I know. I've heard stories. It isn't often that spirits come begging for _my_ help."

"So we will assist them?" Hiiragi asks. She doesn't usually make such obvious requests. She must be really worried.

Natsume feels bad for her. She's entirely dependent on Natori's whims. If he doesn't want to help her fellow spirits, then she can't help them, either.

"I need to do _something_ about this," Natori tells her. "Otherwise humans will start getting hurt."

"So have you figured out how to beat the sickness-spirits?" Natsume asks, hopefully.

Natori tilts his head.

"Spirits," he asks. "Plural?"

"According to Aoi, there are at least two," Natsume confirms. Damn, why is Natori always so _useless_?

"That fish spirit is very young," Hiiragi warns. "Do not believe everything she says."

"That's going to be even more complicated, then," Natori says, rubbing his chin. "From what I've heard, this particular spirit is extremely powerful. More importantly, it's so ancient that it can't be trapped. We need to get rid of it – of _both _of them – completely."

"Wait. We'll have to _kill_ them?"

Natsume doesn't kill. He wants everyone to be happy. He wants everyone to be okay. He doesn't want any more death in the world.

There is enough already.

Natsume touches his phone. He sort of wants to text Tanuma, and just confirm that he's okay. The more precious Tanuma becomes, the more worried Natsume gets.

He's reaching catastrophic levels of worried, now.

Do they really have to kill the sickness-spirits? Is that what it takes, to defend Natsume's precious people? Does Natori have precious people? Is that why he is the way he is?

"There is no other option," Natori says, sympathetically. "I'm sorry, Natsume. I'm sorry to ask for your help, but I cannot defeat these things on my own."

Natsume nods, mutely.

"We need to work together," Natori continues. "We'll need to use my servants and your…teacher-"

"Shut up, creepy guy," Nyanko snarls. "Don't refer to me with such a doubtful tone of voice!"

"- and gather all of the strong spirits who owe you favours," Natori continues, unabashed. "Then we'll have to attack the sickness-spirits, one at a time."

"We're going to convince other spirits to _fight_ to the death?" Natsume asks, horrified. "No. Why don't we use one of your circles to paralyse it?"

He thinks maybe he sees something move, out of the corner of his eye. But when he looks up, the clearing around him is empty.

"My circles won't work on something so old. Neither will my charms. This spirit is ancient. It predates human artefacts."

"Your idea is lousy," Nyanko announces. "The sickness-spirits feed off strength. It's dangerous for either of you to go after them, especially together."

"That's impossible," Natori says, cheerfully. "Did the little girl spirit tell you that as well? Strength is an advantage, not a weakness. You've been working with Natsume long enough that you should know by now."

Something moves again, this time right in Natsume's line of sight. It's green and…large.

"Natori," he says, tensely. "Something is here."

"Huh?" Natori says, following his line of vision. "Natsume. There's nothing there."

"What did it look like?" Nyanko asks, hackles raised.

"It had tentacles," Natsume says. "I think."

"It's found us," Nyanko complains. "You idiot exorcist. You've gone and lead us right into a trap. Such a thing probably can't resist the two of you standing here together."

Natsume sees another flash of movement, and tries to stay perfectly still.

He has the book of friends. He can use it, if he needs to.

If he has time.

"I saw that, too," Natori says. "Hiiragi. Urihime."

"I'll protect you," Hiiragi says, matter-of-factly. "Please stay right here. Guard the humans, pig-cat."

She and Urihime hurry towards the gap in the trees, where Natsume last saw the flash of tentacles and movement.

"This one is green," Natsume murmurs. "The sickness-spirits Hinoe saw were blue and brown."

"Then there must be more than two," Nyanko groans. "Damnit."

"Is there anything we can do?" Natsume asks, turning to Natori. "Can we…"

Oh. Oh god, it's here. Right behind Natori. As tall as an oak tree, and covered in writhing flagellae and fangs. Like the worst sort of spirit Natsume has ever seen. Like something out of a nightmare.

"Look _out_!" he calls, terrified.

Natori turns and gasps. Nyanko starts glowing. The sickness-spirit reaches out for them, too fast, impossibly fast.

_Tanuma_, Natsume thinks, desperately, and then everything goes black.

* * *

><p>Tanuma finds a lampshade at the corner store. He's supposed to be buying rice and carrots, but he's gotten distracted by the novelty merchandise.<p>

Besides, there's no need to hurry. Tanuma knows Natsume isn't coming over tonight. They met up in the hall after school, and Natsume ruffled his hair and said he had things to do and that he wouldn't be able to call.

Tanuma still feels awful from the head-cold, but he feels kind of amazing, too. He feels like maybe things with Natsume are finally, finally becoming okay.

He feels like maybe they'll be together, at least for a little while. Maybe they'll even be best friends. And that's enough. That's plenty. Tanuma doesn't need to be requited. He just wants to be near Natsume for as long as possible.

The lampshade is an ill-looking shade of orange, overlaid with a maroon paisley pattern. It is an absolute eyesore. Tanuma wants to buy it then and there, but he can't. The whole point is that they get the furniture _together_.

He snaps a photograph of it, instead. To show Natsume, when they meet up at school tomorrow.

Tanuma's life is good.

* * *

><p>Natsume wakes up. He's sitting on a hard wooden chair in the middle of a well-lit room. His hands are bound, and he feels surprisingly alive and unmasticated. Natori groans faintly beside him, still coming to. His glasses are sitting on the dresser behind him, out of reach. That green sickness-spirit must have knocked them out cold.<p>

Natsume glances around the room. This doesn't _look_ like the sort of place that a sickness-spirit would bring its prey. This seems like an ordinary human room – a massive ordinary human room – in what is maybe an ordinary human house, and…

…and actually, this room seems kind of suspiciously familiar. And so does the figure standing in the doorway, smirking at him.

"You," Natsume says, angrily. "Let us go. _Now_."

Matoba smiles indulgently. He's carrying a large portable cage in one hand. A small, spindly green spirit hovers by his side. He's not presently holding any visible weapons, but that doesn't mean that they're safe. Natsume hears Natori curse quietly under his breath. He must be completely awake, then.

This is bad. If Matoba has managed to enslave a sickness-spirit, then he's virtually unstoppable.

"I needed to speak with you," Matoba says, his voice unpleasantly silky. "Neither of you are particularly easy to find, so I took my chance."

"Let him go," Natori says. "I'll talk to you. Leave Natsume out of this."

"That spirit," Natsume says. "How did you defeat it?"

"I didn't need to defeat it," Matoba says, ignoring Natori. "It works for me."

"No," Natsume says, tensing against his bindings. "No, you don't understand. The sickness-spirit is _dangerous_. You mustn't-"

"It's not what it seems," Natori says softly, eyeing the spindly spirit. His gaze is unfocused, and reminiscent of Tanuma. "That thing is a shape-shifter, isn't it?"

"She's a new servant of mine," Matoba says. "I was using her to try and learn more about the real sickness-spirits. It seems we have the same goal."

"I'm not working with _you_," Natsume says. Matoba is dangerous. Natsume can't afford to be polite to him. He can't afford to be trapped here, either. He needs to keep investigating on his own, especially now that Natori has proven useless.

"No, that would be disastrous," Matoba agrees. "I brought you here to tell you what I know. That is all."

"I doubt it," Natori says, unhappily. Matoba touches the crown of his head, just briefly, as if he's trying to mollify a small dog.

"What you told Natsume was incorrect," he says, calmly. "These creatures feed on the strength of others. If any of us get near them, they will defeat us easily. Moreover, they will become even more powerful from that encounter."

"Even if that is true, we cannot do nothing," Natori snaps. He's not usually rude to Matoba. He must be really scared.

"There is a trap," Matoba says. "It is ancient and outdated, but it should work on these creatures. The problem is, it requires the presence of two humans to use it. And we'll need to use a third as bait."

"So use your employees," Natsume says. "I still don't see-"

"My employees all have strong spiritual ability," Matoba replies. "The operators cannot be strong, or the sickness-spirit will drain their power and multiply before the trap can work. But if they have no power at all, they will not be able to activate the trap."

"So employee people with weak spiritual ability."

Matoba smiles again.

"They are not easy to find, Natsume. Most people with minor ability never recognise it and subsequently ignore it."

"Oh," Natori says, suddenly. "You want to use Natsume's friends?"

Natsume's blood runs cold.

"No," he says, gravely. "Absolutely not."

"If we use you as bait," Matoba says, "and the two of them as operators, we have a very good chance of succeeding. And we _cannot_ risk failure."

"It should be okay," Natori says, soothingly, because he's _stupid_ and he _doesn't understand_. "You'll have your cat with you. And I'll stay as near as possible, in case things go wrong."

"No," Natsume says, again. "Never. I will never let them get involved in something like this."

Matoba walks right up to his chair, and crouches down beside it. Automatically, Natsume leans as far as possible in the opposite direction.

"I have learned," Matoba says, simply, "that there is no way to protect people from the spirit world. If they want to be involved, they will become involved. Even if you wished for a better life for them."

"Shut up," Natori tells him. "Natsume, your friends will be fine. If we don't get their help now, they'll be in even more danger when this spirit gets stronger, and starts releasing poison into the air."

"Right now, aside from the power-sapping ability, the sickness-spirits only have a single barb each. And although it is lethal, if they use it, they die," Matoba continues. "Do you see? They are reluctant to use their only real weapon. They are not particularly dangerous to weak humans at this time. But they will be, if we allow them to go on living and multiplying."

Lethal barbs. Giant spirits. Poison.

All Natsume wants is for his friends to be okay. All he's ever, ever wanted is for his friends to be okay.

"No," he says. "Please. No."

But he already knows how this will end. He needs to give his beloved friends the best possible chance to survive. And that means…

That means they have to work the trap.

"Think about it, anyway," Matoba says. He places the crate on the floor. Something inside it grumbles unintelligibly. "Here is your servant. His seal will wear off in about ten minutes. I will send someone to you tomorrow to get your final decision."

Natsume nods, wordlessly.

"The forests are presently dangerous to all of us," Matoba adds. "I will not come and rescue either of you a second time. Be careful."

He leaves after that. And somehow, Natsume manages to get up and go home.

This is the worst day of his life.

* * *

><p>Natsume does call. At midnight. He sounds upset and confused, and he doesn't even seem to be aware that he's called at an unreasonable time.<p>

"What's wrong?" Tanuma asks, twisting the corner of his sheet around his index finger. "What happened? Can I help?"

"No," Natsume says, predictably. "It's…it's nothing. I'll talk to you and Taki before school tomorrow."

He's actually going to tell them? Things must be either very unusual or very bad. Tanuma wishes he could reach through the phone and hug Natsume. That would be a pretty useful ability to have.

Although he's kind of attached to his current ability, too.

"Okay," Tanuma says, gently. "I'll be there."

For a moment, Natsume is silent. He doesn't speak, and he doesn't hang up.

"Tanuma," he says, pitifully, hesitantly. "Tanuma, can you -"

"There's a dent in one leg," Tanuma says, promptly. "It's been there since the day we got it. We accidentally slammed it against the counter when we were carrying it into the house."

Natsume makes a noise somewhere between a breath and a snicker.

"Is our counter ugly, too?"

"Are you in bed?" Tanuma asks.

"Uh…"

"Go get into bed and I'll tell you."

He's not usually so assertive. But then, Natsume isn't usually so distressed. And he isn't usually awake in the middle of the night.

"Yeah," Natsume says, softly. He sounds like he might be smiling. "Yeah, okay."

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ real life continues to be incredibly busy, so updates might be a bit sporadic over the next month or so.

+ thanks for sticking with me, I really appreciate it.

+ I am lucky enough that someone drew some gorgeous fanart inspired by this link is here: seymour-ridmonton(dot)deviantart(dot)com/art/NT-deeper-misunderstanding-303933905. Seymour-Ridmonton is seriously amazing.


	13. Chapter 13

notes/warnings

+ I found this chapter extremely difficult to write. not sure what that says about the quality.

+ once again, I give my assurances that any OCs are just there to advance the plot, and aren't going to be requited love interests for any canon characters

* * *

><p><strong>Part Thirteen<strong>

Natsume spends all night trying to think of alternatives. Other things he could do. Other people he could use.

But there are no alternatives. In order to protect this world he loves so much, he has to put the people he loves most in danger. And he _has_ to. For Touko. For Shigeru. For Kitamoto and Nishimura and Sasada and _everyone_.

He takes his friends aside before class, one hand on Taki's wrist, the other on Tanuma's back. They are his most precious treasure, and he is absolutely terrified at what he's about to do.

He talks quietly, without letting go of either of them. He tells them what they need to know and nothing more. He tells them about the two ancient sickness-spirits, and the trap, and the need for people with weak spiritual ability. He tells them he has no other choice. He doesn't mention Matoba by name. He doesn't tell them that he'll be acting as bait.

When he is finally finished, Taki looks serious and concerned. Tanuma looks kind of amazed. Sometimes Natsume wishes he'd never met either of them, so that all of this might have been avoided.

"This spirit sounds very powerful," Taki says, worriedly. "Especially that lethal poison barb. I think I'm going to go through all my grandfather's books and see if there's anything that might be useful."

"I don't think it will help," Natsume tells her. "Some very experienced exorcists have done a lot of research and this trap is the only thing they could find."

"Still," Taki continues. "I might be able to find _something_, even if it's not very big or important."

"I can't believe you're letting _me_ help," Tanuma blurts out, sounding stunned.

Natsume fists his hand in Tanuma's shirt, and _oh god_ he doesn't want this to happen, he doesn't want any of this. Why has it come to this?

"I'm sorry," he says, softly.

* * *

><p>Tanuma bounces through the rest of the day at school, unable to keep still or focus. He's actually going to be <em>involved<em>. He's going to help and not be useless. Excitement tingles underneath his skin, makes him giddy and silly.

He chases Nishimura around at lunchtime, while Kitamoto stands back and shakes his head. He answers every question in class, and doesn't care when he gets things wrong. He barely notices the lingering aches and pains from Nishimura's cold.

At the back of his mind, Tanuma knows what this means. He remembers what Natsume said to Taki, that night they both slept over. He remembers that the reason Natsume always left him out was because he was precious.

Tanuma mustn't be precious any more.

And so Tanuma tells jokes in the hall between classes, and hums under his breath, and rides the emotional high as best he can. Because he knows that when he comes down, he's going to come down hard.

* * *

><p>Just before dinner, the green shapeshifter appears on Natsume's windowsill and regards him expectantly.<p>

It has been sent for an answer. Natsume swallows against the lump in his throat.

"Yes," he says, miserably. "Yes, and you tell him they had better not get hurt."

It nods just once, and then vanishes into the night.

Natsume calls Tanuma. He wants to be reassured. He wants a little of the comfort that Tanuma always brings to his life. Which is ridiculously selfish, because _he's_ the one who's going to put Tanuma in danger.

"Hi," Natsume says, quietly.

"Hey," Tanuma replies, sounding strangely deadpan.

_Oh no_.

"Hey," Natsume continues. "Listen, I'm really sorry for getting you involved. We're setting the trap sometime in the next few days. After that, I won't ever ask for your help again, I promise."

"I want to help," Tanuma points out, softly.

"I need to protect you," Natsume tells him. He's never said it out loud before. On a different day, he'd probably feel terrible. He'd probably feel like he was confessing to something huge and overbearing and friendship-ending.

Maybe he is. But he's so scared.

"Oh," Tanuma says, and there's warmth in his voice now. "Maybe it's my turn to protect you?"

"Maybe," Natsume replies. He keeps his voice carefully neutral. Nobody else is home, and so nobody can see him tearing at his hair.

* * *

><p>Tanuma feels okay after that. He's pretty disappointed in himself for ever getting upset, actually. It's not as if he ever expected anything from Natsume. He doesn't need to be requited, he just needs everyone to be alive and safe.<p>

He has everything he needs, really. He has his powers, and reasonably good health. And as an extra special bonus, he still has Natsume's precious friendship.

This is all he's ever needed.

"Tomorrow," Natsume says.

The back of his hand is pressed against Tanuma's, like there aren't dozens of other students around them.

"I'm ready," Taki announces, fishing around in her pockets. "Look what I found."

It appears to be a very long length of blue thread, knotted into a circle. Tanuma waits patiently for her to tell them what it does.

"Is that what I think it is?" Ponta asks, shifting around on top of Tanuma's head.

"It makes a spirit visible to the eyes of ordinary humans," Taki explains, beaming. "It will only last for a few hours, though."

"I'm not sure how it will be useful," Natsume says. "I promise you that none of us will be getting close enough to the sickness-spirit to use that."

"That's not what I was thinking of doing," Taki murmurs.

"Why don't we use it on Ponta?" Tanuma asks. "That way we'll still be able to see him when he's a giant invisible demon-spirit."

Ponta swats at his face.

"Who are you calling a giant invisible…actually, that's kind of a cool-sounding description."

Tanuma chuckles to himself.

"It probably won't hurt anyone," Natsume says, reluctantly. "And it might help, I guess."

"And if Taki tries to touch me, I can eat her," Ponta adds, joyfully.

Taki rolls her eyes and folds her arms. Tanuma notices a tiny insignia inked across her left wrist.

"What is that?" he asks.

"The other thing I discovered," Taki tells him, still pouting a little. "It kind of…doubles a person."

"No," Natsume tells her. "It will be dangerous to go out with something like that. You need to have as little spiritual power as possible."

"It doesn't affect a person's power. When activated, it makes, like, a mirror image of a person. A copy. For just a few minutes. I'm going to draw one on Tanuma as well."

"If you're sure it's protective, then I guess it's okay," Natsume sighs. "But I'm not sure I understand why you need it."

"It may allow one of us to work the trap alone," Taki says. "If anything happens to either of us."

"Nothing is going to happen to either of you," Natsume says, fiercely.

"But-"

"No," he tells her. "I will protect both of you. Nothing bad will happen to either of you. Wear the insignia if you wish, but you won't need it."

He's upset again. He's always upset, these days. Tanuma wonders how long this sickness-spirit has been hanging around. He wonders if Natsume will be able to be happy again once it's gone.

Tanuma reaches out and tousles his hair, resting his hand on top of Natsume's head for longer than strictly necessary.

"Thank you," he says, gratefully.

Natsume gives him a watery smile.

"We should have another sleepover tonight," Taki suggests. "I mean, since we're all working together tomorrow anyway. It would be nice for the three of us to do something as friends."

"Yeah," Natsume says, thoughtfully. "That would be good."

"I'm coming too," says an unfamiliar voice. "I can help."

Tanuma blinks. There's a girl standing on the other side of Natsume. She has long, white-blonde hair and a pretty face. She's wearing their school uniform, but Tanuma is fairly certain he's never seen her before in his life.

Although she does look a little like Hikari.

"Are you a spirit?" Taki asks, brightly. The girl nods.

"I've been following Natsume for a while, but today I thought I'd use a form you can see. My name is Aoi. Nice to meet you."

She's only looking at Taki and Natsume. Tanuma wonders if she's angry at him for rejecting Hikari, somehow.

"Nice to meet you," Taki says, grinning. "So are you going to help us trap the sickness-spirit?"

"She's not doing anything," Natsume growls. "Aoi, I told you to leave my friends alone."

It's unnerving when Natsume gets angry. He always seems so soft and gentle and good, like he shouldn't be capable of anger. Tanuma wonders what this girl has done to upset him so much.

"I know," she tells him. "But I didn't want you to be able to use that as a reason to stop me from helping you tomorrow. They've already seen me, now. And you need my help. You need all the help you can get."

"But-"

"Don't you want to keep your friends safe?" she asks. She seems to know Natsume really well. Tanuma wants to ask him about her, but he won't. Not now, and not ever. It's none of his business.

"We'll go on ahead," he says loudly, slinging an arm around Taki's shoulders. "See you at lunch, Natsume."

Natsume glances at him with a pained sort of expression.

"Thank you," he says, briskly.

"No problem," Tanuma replies.

He'd do anything for Natsume. Anything.

* * *

><p>"He's hugging that girl," Aoi observes, softly. "Or half-hugging her, anyway. Does that mean he doesn't want you?"<p>

"He never wanted me," Natsume says, through gritted teeth. "Stop talking about that."

Aoi chews on her fingernails. She's clearly nervous. Natsume really doesn't care. He wants to spend the rest of his day with his friends, not interfering nosey fish spirits. Because he doesn't know how much time he has left. He never knows how much time he has left. Even if everything goes fine tomorrow, there will still be other evil spirits to fight. There is always something that wants him dead.

The thought of putting his friends in danger is making him maudlin. Natsume shakes his head hard.

"You had no right to come here," he says, finally.

"You have to let me come along tomorrow," Aoi pleads. "I can be useful. I have powers. I can help protect all of you."

"I can protect my friends," Natsume says, even though he's not really sure if that is true. He wants it to be true. He desperately, desperately wants it to be true.

"Then I'll protect _you_," Aoi says. She sounds desperate. "I have to. I love you."

Natsume clenches his fists, frustrated. He doesn't want to be loved. He just wants everyone to be okay.

Well, maybe he wants to be loved by Tanuma, but even that is irrelevant right now.

"I never asked for this," he says, fighting to keep his voice neutral.

"I never asked for it either," Aoi says, sadly.

* * *

><p>"She's really beautiful," Tanuma comments, shielding his eyes.<p>

"I wouldn't worry about it," Ponta says, batting at a particularly errant tuft of Tanuma's hair.

"Worry about what?" Tanuma asks, confused.

"I think it's good," Taki says. "I think the more people on our side, the better."

"Does Natsume usually have spirits wanting to help him out?"

"Well," Taki says, and then stops. "I guess I shouldn't tell you."

"Even now?"

"He still probably wouldn't want that. Even though I personally think it's a little ridiculous. I still suspect that after tomorrow, Natsume is going to go right back to keeping you as far from the spirit world as possible."

Tanuma sighs.

"You're probably right," he says. "I really would like to see more of it, though. The few things I've seen were so beautiful."

"The spirit world is definitely beautiful," Taki says. "But also dangerous. I think you and I should try to be happy with the lives we have."

"Yeah," Tanuma replies.

At lunch time Natsume sits between them, links arms with both of them, tips his head back against the wall and closes his eyes. He looks pale and tired. Sometimes Tanuma wishes he could take exhaustion from people, as well as illness.

"Everything will be okay," he murmurs to Natsume. To Taki, who is the best friend he could ever ask for. To the rotund calico pig-cat currently eating his lunch.

Everything will be okay.

The human world is beautiful, too.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p>an

+ I'm sorry this is atrociously late. I have no excuse. I have, however, discovered homestuck. :/

+ thank you so much for reading

+ I also want to apologise for not responding to so many of your lovely reviews. I am going to do my best to answer every single one of them from now on.


	14. Chapter 14

notes/warnings

+ I'm using the Japanese naming system (last name followed by first name) in this fic.

+ warning for stuff actually happening :/

* * *

><p><strong>Part Fourteen<strong>

They do organise to spend time together. Natsume invites Taki and Tanuma to sleep over at the Fujiwaras' house.

He needs them both close.

Before his friends arrive, Touko goes out and comes back with armfuls of drinks and snacks. She's so happy that Natsume has friends staying over. Natsume loves her with every inch of his heart, and even manages to muster up a weak smile for her when she touches his shoulder.

He's never had any idea how to deal with the people he loves.

Touko leaves, and Natsume spends the next half hour pacing his room, miserable and worried.

"All this stress is pointless," Nyanko points out comfortably. "The plan is already made. There is nothing left to do."

"I know," Natsume replies, sadly. "But I can't help it."

He goes into his cupboard after that, and crouches with his arms wrapped around his head. All he ever wanted was to protect the people he loves.

Well, and to live with Tanuma.

Maybe this is his punishment, for being selfish. For wanting something extra, when he already has more than he's ever had before in his life. Even if that isn't the case, this is still all his fault. Without him, Taki and Tanuma would never have gotten involved with the spirit world. Not really. Taki would have stuck to fantasising about her grandfather's stories and Tanuma would have learned to ignore the things he saw out of the corner of his eye.

Natsume bows his head between his knees. His spine aches and his hands are shaking. He is scared and he just wants tomorrow to be over so he can go back to imagining the future without feeling like his heart is going to break in half.

Natsume makes an involuntary, strangled noise at the back of his throat. And then someone knocks on the door.

Natsume freezes, and tries desperately to think of an excuse. He was looking for something. Yes, that sounds like a normal thing that won't worry Touko and Shigeru. He…he dropped his wallet in here.

Perfect.

"I'm coming," he says, unsteadily.

"It's only me. Can I come in?"

_Tanuma_.

Natsume's heart skips a beat.

"Yeah," he replies, quickly.

Ordinarily he'd be ashamed of being found like this, but today is a bad day and being with Tanuma in a safe, confined space feels like exactly what he wants right now.

Besides, Tanuma already knows most of his secrets.

Most of his non-spirit-related secrets, anyway.

Tanuma opens the door. He's smiling warmly and holding Nyanko back with one of his feet.

"Sorry to interrupt," he says, apologetically. "Mrs Fujiwara let me in."

He's really beautiful, and now is pretty much the worst possible time for Natsume to be noticing that. Although really, he's always noticed that.

Always.

"I'm sorry," Natsume says. "I was just, um, looking for my wallet."

It belatedly occurs to Natsume that that excuse doesn't make any sense, either. Nobody loses their wallet in a cupboard.

"I understand," Tanuma says, calmly. "I'm always losing things in weird places, too."

He holds out a hand to help Natsume up, and Natsume takes it gratefully. And then Tanuma pauses, eyes focusing on something slightly to the left of Natsume's head.

"Oh," he murmurs.

Natsume waits patiently and tries not to think about the fact that they are essentially holding hands right now.

"One second," Tanuma says, and lets go without any preamble.

He dashes across the room, and comes back with one of Natsume's pens in his hand.

"You're going to do something ridiculous, aren't you?" Nyanko says, delicately grooming his paw.

"It's either something ridiculous, or pushing you out the window, Ponta," Tanuma replies, easily. He and Nyanko actually get along really well. Natsume is busy marvelling at that fact when Tanuma suddenly leans over Natsume's head.

And then Natsume understands what caught his attention. The page from the catalogue is still stuck to the wall, amongst various photographs of Nishimura and Kitamoto.

"Oh," Natsume whispers, thoroughly humiliated. "It's nothing. I just."

Tanuma scribbles something, just beneath the picture of the precious cheap green plastic table. Natsume squints at it, struggling to make out the words.

"Hi!" Taki says suddenly.

"Hi," Tanuma replies, and suddenly Natsume is being hauled out of the cupboard and into the brightly-lit bedroom.

Taki is standing in the doorway, overnight bag slung over one shoulder, hair pulled back into a ponytail. Tanuma is holding Natsume up and grinning at her. For a moment Natsume is singularly happy.

They're here. They're both here.

* * *

><p>First, Natsume talks them through the plan tomorrow one more time. Taki and Tanuma will walk to a specific location in the forest, and stand on either side of the trap. Natsume will split off from them and go somewhere else.<p>

He's cagey about his own part in the plan. But Ponta will be with him, and that must mean that he'll be at more risk than either Tanuma or Taki. Tanuma notes this and files it away. He makes his own private plans to swap with Natsume every thirty seconds or so, to make sure he's safe.

Tanuma would die for Natsume in a heartbeat.

There will be other people around. Exorcist friends of Natsume. Natori and some person Tanuma has never met. So they'll all have people to rely on if things go wrong. And there will be someone to tell them once the sickness-spirit is trapped.

It's weird and frightening, fighting things he cannot see. But at least he will be with his friends.

"I think we have enough sweets to feed a whole army," Taki comments, inking the insignia onto Tanuma's wrist.

"Yeah," Tanuma agrees, trying to keep very still. "Even Ponta couldn't make much of a dent in the pile."

Then Taki gets a little starry-eyed and starts chasing Ponta around the room. Tanuma goes and sits next to Natsume, and they make bets on who will get tired first. And Natsume grins, honest-to-god _grins_, and Tanuma just wants to be with him forever.

They sit around for hours, eating the snacks and browsing through Natsume's pitifully small comic book collection. Taki eats an entire box of chocolates and tries to entertain them with her best Sasada-impressions.

When she bossily orders Ponta to stop being fluffy, Natsume even laughs.

They eat dinner with the Fujiwaras, and Tanuma and Taki both pretend not to hear when Touko points out how _sad_ Natsume has seemed lately. Natsume blanches a bit and stares at his plate. Tanuma changes the subject to schoolwork at exactly the same time that Taki changes the subject to very small chickens.

Touko grins at both of them. Tanuma is glad that Natsume has this family now. He's glad for everything.

After dinner, they go and sit outside under the stars. Taki leans against Tanuma's shoulder and drowses. Natsume reminds Tanuma that nobody will be expecting him to heal anyone tomorrow, so he should just relax and focus on working the trap.

"Thanks," Tanuma replies.

He's not really listening. He's too busy fidgeting with the sleeve of Natsume's shirt, and savouring the fact that his world is wonderful right now.

* * *

><p>They lay out three mattresses in a row. Natsume stares at Tanuma awkwardly and Tanuma stares back, until Taki shoves at both of them.<p>

"_I'll_ sleep in the middle," she announces. "You two are hopeless."

"Thanks," Natsume replies.

He isn't sure whether he's disappointed, or grateful. But he's pleased to be here tonight, and he's terrified about tomorrow.

He never had any friends at all, before he came to this place. He's so, so lucky.

Nyanko leaps from the windowsill and hits Natsume's chest with a dull _thud_, knocking the wind out of him. Nyanko then proceeds to fall asleep before Natsume has even recovered his ability to breathe, and Taki drifts off shortly afterwards.

Natsume closes his eyes, and runs through the plan for tomorrow again, checking for weaknesses and loopholes. He tries to imagine everything going okay, and the sickness-spirit being trapped forever, but the scenario keeps devolving into horror and destruction and injury and things going terribly wrong.

"Hey."

_I tried so hard to protect you both._

_How did it end up like this?_

He tries desperately, for the umpteenth time, to think of a way to capture the spirit that doesn't involve Taki and Tanuma. But there isn't anything. There isn't anything he can do, except stand by and hope his precious darling friends aren't hurt.

"Hey, Natsume."

And he wants to hate Natori and Matoba for causing all of this, but he has no-one to blame but himself. He never should have told either of them about the spirit world. He should have kept his dealings and struggles to himself. He should have stayed alone, like the orphan he is, and never spoken to either of them.

"Natsume."

If anything happens to either of them, he will tear himself apart. And it still won't be enough. He can't even imagine what his life would be like if he'd never met them, but it will be a thousand times worse than that if he _loses_ them.

"Takashi?"

Natsume suddenly realises Tanuma is talking to him. And using his first name.

"Sorry," he blurts out, his worries temporarily quelled. "Um. Kaname."

Tanuma leans towards him, over Taki's head, and grins. Natsume tries to smile back. Even on this dark night, when he has so much to fear, Tanuma makes him feel better.

"Things will be okay," Tanuma tells him, softly.

"Yeah," Natsume manages. "I just…"

He doesn't know what to say. Tanuma is beautiful. Natsume is so glad to have met him, and so grateful to be with him right now.

And so, so scared.

"Hey, we should sleep over tomorrow night, too," Tanuma declares. "Once this is all over. Just the three of us."

"Yeah," Natsume says, and he's getting choked up now.

Tanuma reaches out and takes his hand, slipping his fingers through Natsume's own. Tanuma's hands used to be bigger than Natsume's, but now they're almost the same size. Natsume guesses he must have grown.

Also he is completely in love with Tanuma Kaname.

_Kaname_.

"Sleep," Tanuma suggests. His grip is warm and gentle. Natsume wants that table so badly that he is pretty much ready to go to the store right now – in the middle of the night and half asleep with an incredibly dangerous spirit wandering the streets – just so he can have it.

But no. He has to wait.

He really hopes everything goes okay tomorrow. Otherwise, he doesn't know what he'll do.

"You too, Kaname."

This, right here. This moment is amazing.

"Takashi."

"Yes, you both have first names," Nyanko growls. "Now shut up and go to sleep."

"Ponta," Tanuma says, in exactly the same tone of voice, and he and Natsume both start laughing.

"Idiots," Nyanko announces.

Natsume falls asleep easily after that.

* * *

><p>Tanuma is woken by Taki tripping over his arm. Which means that by the time his brain starts working properly, Natsume is leaning over him and touching him.<p>

"Tanuma! Are you okay?"

They're back to last names again. Tanuma is okay with that. He's okay with anything that Natsume wants to do. What he isn't okay with is the way Taki is clutching her head and standing hunched against the wall.

"Yeah," he tells Natsume. "Taki? You okay?"

"Please don't talk so loud," Taki whimpers, removing her hands from her eyes long enough to briefly press them over her ears. "Um. I may have had too much sugar last night."

Tanuma frowns. Taki doesn't usually get headaches. And he would know. He's swapped health with her often enough.

"Do you have a migraine?" Natsume asks, quietly.

"Yeah," Taki says. "I haven't had one in years. I'm usually more careful. Um. I should be fine to work the trap, though. If I can just borrow some sunglasses."

"You could take something," Tanuma suggests. He's testing out the options. It isn't good for one of them to go on this mission with a debilitating headache.

"My migraines don't usually respond to painkillers," Taki tells him, pitifully. "I can handle it, though."

She probably can. But Tanuma has had the most experience with dealing with illnesses, and it would be stupid to let her go on like this.

But he needs to be careful. Today would be a bad day to get caught.

"We should all wear sunglasses, anyway," he decides. "A disguise can't hurt, right?"

"You can't go out like this, Taki," Natsume says, firmly. "Your guard will be down. We'll have to find someone else."

"I won't make any mistakes. I can still function, I promise."

Tanuma goes to her and gently lays a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey," he says, softly. "Give me five minutes. I can take care of it."

Taki peers at him through her fingers.

"You sure?" she whispers. "It won't weaken you?"

"Nah," Tanuma says. "It's fine."

* * *

><p>Tanuma showers, and Natsume paces the room, waiting for Taki to recover. In a way, he'd be happy for an excuse to call off the whole mission. He wants to keep his friends here and safe until the world ends.<p>

He wants so many things.

"Hey, Natsume," Taki calls, brightly.

"All better?" he asks.

"All better," she replies, pumping the air. "Let's do this!"

So they do. Tanuma comes back, and they go over the positions again. Natsume runs through every step of the plan in painstaking detail. He cannot have anything go wrong.

Then they go outside. Aoi shows up, and Natsume tells her to protect Taki and Tanuma with everything she has. She nods, seriously, eyes only on him. Natsume does feel sorry for her, in a way. It must be hard, for a spirit to be in love with a human. Natsume finds it hard to be in love with a human, and _he's_ a human.

Nyanko takes on his true form and Natsume throws the blue thread over his head.

"Behold," he says, dramatically, waving his massive tails around and damaging the edge of Touko's beloved vegetable garden.

"This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life," Taki says, tearing up. "Nyanko, you are _even more fluffy than before._"

Tanuma doesn't say anything at all, which is sort of weird. He just stands there.

Natsume grabs his wrist and checks the insignia. The word _Kaname_ floats through his head, a little spark of comfort cuts through his stress.

Tomorrow, they will still all be together. Natsume will make sure of that.

"Thanks for letting me come with you," Aoi tells Natsume. "Even though you didn't really give me permission, I'm glad to be here."

"Just don't cause any problems," Natsume tells her. "Please."

When he meets with Natori and Matoba in the open forest, that should be enough to summon the sickness spirit. Then it's only a matter of running very fast, and relying on Nyanko.

Taki is frowning at the ground, like she's trying to figure something out. Natsume turns to speak to her, but Aoi grabs his arm.

"I swear I won't," she says, earnestly. "I'll be so useful. You'll be glad you brought me along."

"You are unnecessary," Nyanko tells her, regally.

"No, I'm not. I'm helping!"

Taki goes over to where Tanuma is standing, and then claps her hands together. Loudly. In his face.

Tanuma flinches away from her and kind of crumples. Like he's in pain.

"Hey!" Natsume says, almost automatically. He doesn't want anyone to upset Tanuma, ever. "Hey, what are you doing?"

Taki doesn't answer him, though. She just looks terribly sad.

"Do you have a headache, Tanuma?" she asks, quietly. "Did you get one after mine got better?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Tanuma says, and Natsume doesn't know, either. "I get sick all the time. What was that for?"

"It's just," Taki says. "Well. The last few days I've had this tiny cut under my thumbnail. Nobody would really notice it unless they knew it was there. But it keeps disappearing and reappearing again. And I think-"

"Come on, you guys," Natsume says, because this conversation is weird and kind of pointless. "There are things we need to do."

"I think Tanuma can't heal people," Taki tells him. Tanuma just stares at her, and Natsume almost wants to yell at her for saying something like that. "I think he can only swap. His health for someone else's."

Swap? _Swap_? But that means…

That means.

Natsume looks at Tanuma. At his best friend in the world and his fellow table-owner-to-be and possibly the love of his life. Tanuma doesn't look at him, though. Tanuma stares at the ground, like he's been caught doing something wrong.

If he can only swap, then that means he's suffered. All of those times. And Natsume thought he was _okay_.

Oh god. He's suffered _for Natsume_.

"No," Natsume says, in abject denial. "No. No. _No_."

This can't be happening.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you for reading

+ my apologies for the late updates. I've been working on my other fic, and this one kind of took a back seat for a little while. hopefully I'm back on track now. :)


	15. Chapter 15

notes/warnings

+ sorry this fic went so long without updating. my real life has calmed down a bit now, and I've got my inspiration back for this fic so hopefully I can continue it all the way to the end before my inspiration fails again.

+ warning for more stuff happening. the next few chapters are going to be more plotty than fluffy.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Fifteen<br>**

"Tanuma," Natsume says, very slowly and clearly. "Is this true?"

"We don't have time for this argument," Ponta growls, his voice deep and strange in this form. "We have to go, Natsume. Timing is very important."

Natsume doesn't look at him. He stares at Tanuma, his expression somewhere between horrified and desperate.

Tanuma is actually the worst person in the world.

_What have I done_?

He should never have tried to heal Taki today. It's become almost a compulsion for him. He can't _not _heal people.

And now he's ruined everything.

"Yes," he says, very quietly.

"Oh no," Taki breathes, just as quietly.

Natsume doesn't speak at all. He looks destroyed, face grey, one hand over his mouth.

Tanuma would have preferred it if he'd yelled. If he'd called Tanuma a liar and a terrible friend and all the other things that Tanuma is and always has been.

Taki touches Natsume's shoulder. She's obviously reeling, but she's managing to support him all the same. She is an amazing friend, and Tanuma never deserved her, never deserved anyone.

And Aoi is here, too, hovering in the background. Tanuma isn't sure when she arrived. He doesn't even deserve her, and she's barely an acquaintance.

"Come on," Ponta urges. "We need to have this conversation later."

"We need," Natsume says faintly, finally looking away from Tanuma. "We need to find a third person to help us with this task."

Tanuma closes his eyes. This is it. This is the part where he is shut out forever, everything destroyed.

* * *

><p>Natsume can hardly think. He can't process anything.<p>

_All those times, when I was hurt._

_All that pain and suffering_.

_The one person I wanted to protect, above anyone else._

"It's too late to find anyone else," Taki says, softly.

Natsume stares at her.

"Please understand," he implores, desperately. "If anything happens to any of us out there today. If anyone gets hurt or…or… or worse, then it will be _him_."

"Were either of you planning on _dying_?" Tanuma asks loudly, sounding terrified.

And Natsume can't handle this. All he ever wanted was to protect his friends. All he ever wanted was to rent a flat with Tanuma in it and come home to him _safe_ every night and Tanuma has never been safe and he's never going to be safe and Natsume should never be near him again.

Natsume wants to touch him. Wants to hold on to Tanuma while he still can. But he can't, ever, because he is the most dangerous thing in the world. Natsume attracts danger, and danger is certain death to an empathetic healer.

Death.

Tanuma.

No. Natsume will do anything to stop that from happening. And it should be worth it, to know that somewhere in the world, Tanuma is safe.

_Will never be safe._

_But safer than when he's with me._

"Please don't fight," Taki begs them. "Please don't either of you sacrifice yourselves. Please."

Natsume turns back to her, unable to even look at Tanuma.

"Who else can we call?" he asks her. "Do you know anyone at all who has weak spiritual ability."

"It's too _late_ for that, you stupid human," Nyanko snaps.

"Shut _up_," Natsume yells at him. "Shut up, I'm not putting my friends in danger!"

"If you're not putting anyone in danger," Tanuma murmurs, "then there's no reason I can't come along."

Tanuma is challenging him. Actually _challenging him_.

Everything is falling apart.

As long as Tanuma is around, Natsume can't sacrifice himself for anyone, no matter how much they need it. Because Tanuma always heals him.

"We really do need to go," Aoi chimes in, suddenly. Natsume hadn't even realised she'd arrived. "And you need Tanuma. You have to stop the sickness spirit, otherwise it will destroy everyone."

"Hi," Taki greets warmly, like everything is fine.

"Hi," Aoi replies. Their conversation is background noise, barely audible over the terrible pounding inside Natsume's brain.

_Everyone has to live._

_We have to do this._

Natsume grabs Aoi's hand roughly.

"Please do something for me," he begs. "Please protect Tanuma, no matter what happens."

Aoi glances at Tanuma, and then back to Natsume.

Then she nods.

"Yes," she says. "Yes, okay. I accept."

This is awful. This is the most terrifying thing he's ever had to do.

But he has to do it. Nyanko is right. They're running out of time and the sickness spirit is there and Tanuma has to come.

Natsume is putting his best friend in danger.

Natsume is putting the love of his life in danger, for the sake of everyone else he loves.

All he ever wanted was for it to never come to this.

* * *

><p>"I don't need a spirit to look after me," Tanuma says, as mildly as possible. "I really will be okay."<p>

And if he isn't okay, it will only be because one of his precious friends got hurt. So really, he can't lose.

They're walking towards the forest. Natsume is silent, shoulders tense, eyes forward. Tanuma wants to collapse to the ground and beg for forgiveness.

But he can't. Not yet. They need to get through this, first.

Taki squeezes his hand. Tanuma manages a tiny smile, just for her.

_There was never going to be a table, anyway._

"That time I broke my wrist," Natsume says, suddenly. "Was that you, as well?"

Tanuma stares at the ground.

"Yes," he admits.

Natsume glances at him miserably, and Tanuma would disembowel himself right here and now if it would stop Natsume from being so sad.

"So I gave you a broken wrist," Natsume says. He sounds like he might possibly cry.

"No, _I_ gave me a broken wrist," Tanuma tells him.

"Because of me," Natsume says doggedly.

And then he looks away from Tanuma quickly, eyes darting towards the sky.

"Is there a spirit up there?" Taki asks, gently. "All I can see is that bird."

She sounds too conversational, as if she's desperately trying to steer everything back to normal. And today is a dangerous day for any of them to lose focus. Tanuma has to pull himself together. He has to follow the plan and work the trap and destroy an incredibly powerful spirit, and he has to do all of that with a headache and with the impending end of his most important friendship.

"The bird is your guide," Natsume tells them. "You need to follow her. Nyanko and I need to split off from you now."

"You must arrive at the designated place in exactly five minutes," Ponta adds. "No matter what else happens, you must be at the trap and work it correctly on the signal, as you've been shown. We will be on the north side of the trap. The spirits are approaching from the south, but you won't be able to see them, of course."

"Got it," Taki says, nodding firmly.

"Aoi will protect you from any danger," Natsume says, his voice hitching a little. "She can see spirits, of course, so follow her direction in the event of an emergency. There will be lots of other spirits around you who will also protect you."

"But they'll be at a distance," Ponta growls. "So don't do anything stupid."

He turns his fearsome vulpine glare to Tanuma, and Tanuma looks away, horribly ashamed.

"I won't let you down," Aoi calls.

"Good luck," Natsume says, voice sounding thick and strange. Then he turns on the ball of his foot and starts walking away.

And Tanuma realises suddenly that this is it. They won't get to see each other again until they're right in the danger zone. He fists his hands at his sides, feeling useless and empty. What is he supposed to say now?

It's too late, isn't it?

It's too late for everything.

"Natsume!" he says, quickly. "Natsume, wait."

Natsume looks back over his shoulder. His eyes are too shiny and slightly damp-looking. Tanuma has ruined everything.

"I'm sorry," Natsume says, weakly.

Then he jogs off into the distance.

Tanuma stares at the ground. Natsume's parting words didn't even make sense. Tanuma is the one who should be apologising, over and over and over until his voice burns out of his throat.

"I really did want to have those things with you," Tanuma says, to the empty air.

Taki grabs him by the arm.

"We don't have time," she says, sympathetically. "We have a deadline, Tanuma. Let's go."

And they go.

* * *

><p>"The sentinel spirits are sure?" Natsume asks, breaking into a run to keep up with Nyanko. "Both sickness-spirits are definitely to the south of the trap?"<p>

"Yes," Hiiragi tells him. "It is confirmed."

"And Matoba and Natori?"

"They are poised to arrive at the same time as you," she says. "Other friendly spirits may also gather with us at that time, although many of them are afraid of Matoba."

"He's a creep," Nyanko says.

Natsume shakes his head furiously. Everyone else sounds so calm. His whole world has been turned inside out, and nobody else even understands.

"We have to get both of them in the trap," Natsume says, barely hearing his own voice. "Nothing can go wrong."

"Are you worried about your friends?" Hiiragi asks.

"Yes," Natsume says, helplessly spreading his hands.

What good are all the powers in the world if he cannot use them to defend his friends? What kind of person gives their best friend a broken wrist? What kinds of person greedily benefits from excellent health while someone they adore suffers their illnesses?

"We are your friends too," Hiiragi says, without a trace of emotion in her voice.

"I worry about you too," Natsume tells her.

He cannot sacrifice himself to save others, and that is tremendous. He feels bound and gagged. He doesn't know what will happen after this day, but he wants to live to see it, and he needs his friends to live to see it.

Everything is such a terrible mess, but maybe they just need to get through this.

* * *

><p>"You remember how to work the trap, right?" Taki asks, when they finally arrive. "We stand in the two adjacent circles at the edge. On the signal from the bird, we raise our hands in the air and imagine the air turning solid. We have to imagine <em>really hard<em>, too."

"I know," Tanuma tells her.

The trap is a simple but large drawing in the dirt, with sticks and leaves arranged in a pattern in the centre. Tanuma tries to imagine what a sickness spirit looks like. He tries to envisage how the trap will work. But he struggles, because he's never had much in the way of imagination.

Aoi ushers them both into position, side by side, both feet in their individual dirt-circles. Taki takes Tanuma's hand again.

"We have to forget about everything else and concentrate really hard," she tells him. "We have to trust the others will protect us. If we slip up and lose focus, someone could get really hurt. And if something goes wrong – and nothing is going to go wrong – but if something goes wrong we need to curl up and take shelter and make ourselves as small as possible."

Tanuma knows. He's been told all of this dozens of times before; by Ponta and Natsume and Aoi and Taki. He doesn't need to hear it again. He's not as stupid as everyone thinks, he's really _not_.

Or is he?

Is this why Natsume always leaves him out?

Was he ever really precious, or was Natsume just being kind when he said that? That night seems like a distant memory now. Tanuma can barely remember what happened an hour ago. He can't recall what it means to feel safe.

He's scared.

"And don't heal anyone," Taki finishes. "Please please please don't heal anyone. I can't stand the thought of losing you. You are my dear friend."

Tanuma takes those words and tries to make himself anew. If Taki cares for him after everything he's done, then that is important. He can be Taki's dear friend, even if he has failed his darling Natsume.

There are two men standing a short distance away. One of them is definitely Natori. Natsume isn't in sight yet.

"I really like him," he whispers to Taki, squeezing her fingers.

"That's okay," Taki says. "Everything is okay. We're going to trap these spirits together and then we're going to go home and deal with everything else once everyone is safe."

Tanuma can't find the strength to smile for her, but he desperately wishes he could.

"Okay," he replies.

* * *

><p>The meeting place is a small clearing in the forest, surrounded on all sides by stringy-looking trees and a single dense bush with bright yellow flowers. It's a place with a good view of the spirit trap. Natori and Matoba are already there when Natsume arrives. And beyond them and their ensuing gaggle of spirit servants, Natsume can see his two best friends standing in position, still safe and alive.<p>

"Good," he breathes, and rushes forward.

Nyanko bounds alongside him. With their combined powers, they will be certain to draw the sickness-spirits in this direction, and straight into the trap.

"Hey," Natori says, warmly. "Your friends are fine. All we need to do now is wait."

He leaves his hand on Natsume's shoulder for a moment too long, and Natsume doesn't even brush him away. He needs all the comfort he can get, even though he doesn't deserve any of it.

"You're upset," Matoba observes, voice silky-smooth. "It is upsetting when your friends ignore you, isn't it?"

"With all due respect," Natori tells him, "this isn't the time or the place to be projecting onto Natsume."

Natsume ignores both of them in favour of succumbing to the sudden urge to shout.

"Tanuma!" he yells. "Taki!"

He isn't good at shouting. His voice is too soft, and doesn't carry. But they wave back, all the same.

If Natsume can get them safely home after today, he can figure out a way to keep Tanuma blind to any injuries or illnesses he might acquire later. He will keep his friends as cherished and protected as he always hoped. He'll dedicate his life to it.

"Stay close to me," Nyanko growls, curling his tail around Natsume. "Don't step into the trap yourself or you'll complicate things."

"I know," Natsume tells him, but he edges a little closer to Tanuma anyway.

"I'm sorry," Tanuma says sadly, and he looks like he's been crying. This isn't even the first time Natsume has made Tanuma cry.

But perhaps it will be the last

"I'm sorry," Natsume replies, and he means it from the bottom of whatever is left of his heart. He wants to hug Tanuma right now. He wonders if this is the way parents feel about their children.

"The sickness-spirits are on their way," Aoi announces, loudly.

She grabs the back of Natsume's shirt and drags him away from his friends.

"We're out of time," she says, by way of apology.

And then she stops, eyes widening, staring at something over Natsume's shoulder.

"Wait," she says, voice loud and frightened. "How many of these things are there supposed to be?"

"Two," Natori tells her.

Natsume spins around, following her line of sight.

And there, at the edge of the clearing, is a sickness-spirit. A red sickness-spirit. A third sickness-spirit, not one they've seen before.

"That shouldn't be here," Natori says.

Nyanko is suddenly right there, his massive body between Natsume and the new sickness-spirit.

"RUN" he roars. "GET TO THE EAST OF THE TRAP."

Natsume runs.

* * *

><p>Everyone is suddenly moving all at once, and talking about a third spirit. Tanuma feels cold fear prickle at the back of his neck.<p>

"What's happening?" Taki asks, fearfully. "Is it time?"

"Something has gone wrong," Tanuma says, feeling ill. "I don't know. Something has gone wrong."

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you for reading, and for sticking with me over the long, unnanounced hiatus.

+ I can't promise updates will go back to being regular but the next chapter will go up within two weeks.


	16. Chapter 16

notes/warnings

+ warnings for non-graphic injury, potential character death, and general distress.

+ we are approaching the story climax.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Sixteen<br>**

Matoba grabs Natori by the wrist and the three of them run. The red sickness-spirit pursues them, slapping at them with oar-like flagellae. Natsume is already panting, mind whirling, trying desperately to figure out a way to beat this new threat. He skids on the wet grass, and takes a moment to regain his balance. The sickness-spirit swipes at him, reaching easily across the clearing.

"No!" Aoi screams, voice high-pitched and frightened. She's suddenly at Natsume's side, shoving him out of the way. The spirit slaps her instead, sending her careening into the yellow-flowered bush.

"What do we do?" the bird-spirit calls, shrilly.

"Keep watching," Nyanko roars. "You need to alert the humans when the other two sickness-spirits arrive."

Natsume narrowly dodges a second blow. The spirit forces him backwards, away from the others.

"Natsume, what do we do?" Taki asks.

"Do what you were told," Matoba snaps. "Both of you. Man the trap, or everyone _will_ die."

"Natsume!" Natori calls. "You have to move left. Move to your left!"

Natsume can't. Instead he punches the broad side of the flagellae as hard as he can, throwing it back towards its owner.

The blow weakens him perceptibly.

"Natsume," Tanuma says, voice barely audible. "No."

"Nyanko!" Natsume says loudly. "Nyanko, we have to stop this. We _have_ to!"

And for once in his stupid, feline, pudgy life, Nyanko listens. He pirouettes neatly on his toes and dives across the clearing, landing right on top of the evil-looking sickness-spirit. The spirit howls and turns its attention away from Natsume, retracting its long tentacles from the clearing to slap at Nyanko's sleek form.

"I will protect you," Nyanko growls. "Run!"

"Be careful!" Natsume hollers.

He runs partway around the trap, and reaches Matoba and Natori. He takes a moment to catch his breath, hands on his knees. He spares a further moment to wave at his friends, just to reassure them. Everyone is still alive, and everyone is fine. Nothing has been lost.

"That was a stupid mistake," Matoba says, sharply. "We should have searched more carefully for other spirits."

The sickness-spirit curls a single tendril around Nyanko's throat, trying to strangle him.

"Urihime," Natori orders. "Sasago. Hiiragi. Go and help."

"Understood," they reply, almost in unison. Hiiragi is never quite synchronised with Natori's other servants. She is still, in some ways, her own person.

"Stay back," Nyanko barks. He sounds strangely smug, and Natsume suddenly realises that he has his jaws around the thickest part of the red spirit. "I can handle this."

"Ponta," Tanuma says, his voice somewhere between fearful and affectionate. Natsume wants to go to him and hold his hand, just as Taki is doing. But Natsume must stay where he is; they cannot risk another mistake.

The sickness spirit seems to shrivel under Nyanko's teeth. Natori claps Natsume on the back.

"See, Natsume," he says. "This is what happens when you have strong servants. Your pig-cat is strong enough to take on even the worst of enemies. You are very lucky."

"He's my friend," Natsume corrects.

"The others are exactly two minutes away," the bird spirit calls. "Be ready!"

"Be ready," Natsume repeats to his friends. "Two minutes!"

"Yes!" Taki says, and Tanuma flashes him a thumbs-up.

Everything is back on track.

And then there is an odd noise, a soft _splut_ of something solid becoming embedded in something softer. The red sickness-spirit gives a pathetic groan, and disappears completely. All that remains of it – all that is left – is the giant barb sticking out of Nyanko's left flank.

* * *

><p>Suddenly Natsume's face is sheet-white, and he rushes over to where Ponta is standing. Something else has happened. Tanuma tenses up.<p>

"Teacher!" Natsume says, clearly panicked. "Are you okay?"

"Hm?" Ponta asks, staring down at himself. "Oh, that."

He pulls something from his flank with his teeth and spits it on the ground.

"Never better," he grins. "Did you forget that I am the most splendid, most indestructible spirit of all time?"

Tanuma breathes again. His relief is mirrored in Natsume's face.

"Don't ever leave me," Natsume says quietly, burying his face in Ponta's thick white fur. He sounds heartbroken. He must be terrified with how powerless he is right now. Tanuma has to do a good job of trapping the other spirits, so that Natsume can be happy again.

So that they can all go home.

"Idiot," Ponta says. "I'm not…I'm not leaving until I've eaten you."

"Of course," Natsume replies, chuckling a bit.

"One minute," Natori calls to them. "Wait for the signal."

Taki smiles at Tanuma, and Tanuma manages to smile back.

It's time.

* * *

><p>They head back to Natori and Matoba. It's safer if everyone is together.<p>

_No. It would be safer if nobody else was here._

Natsume resolves to never involve anyone else in the spirit world ever again. He will deal with his problems on his own, whatever it takes. He should have learned that lesson years ago. He very nearly learned it too late.

And then Nyanko collapses to the ground in a flurry of limbs and tails. He struggles to get up and fails, his legs trembling. And Natsume realises with a sinking heart that maybe it is too late, after all.

"What?" Nyanko says, sounding shocked. "No. No, I'm a powerful spirit. I won that fight. I _won_."

"That poison is always lethal," Natori says softly. "I'm sorry."

His words don't make any sense. Natsume stares up at him, without understanding. Then he gets down on the ground, next to Nyanko's head. Next to the first person to ever keep him company, next to his very first friend.

"You're a powerful spirit," he breathes. "You can fight this."

Nyanko doesn't respond. He closes his eyes, hard, as if he is suffering greatly.

"You can fight this," Natsume says, voice rising. "Come on! We have to go home."

"This is what it means, for a spirit to serve a human," Hiiragi says, touching Nyanko. "I'm sorry."

No. This isn't happening. Nyanko has always been there, will always be there. He and Nyanko are going to live together when Natsume is old and the green plastic table is just a faded piece of paper carefully preserved in a photo album.

"You both have power," he blurts out desperately, turning to Natori and Matoba. "Do something. Or…or tell me what to do to fix this."

"Natsume, shut up," Matoba hisses.

_I hate you_, Natsume thinks. He's never hated anyone before.

"It's his only companion," Natori tells Matoba.

"All the more reason for him to shut up," Matoba replies.

"It's okay," Nyanko says, weakly. "You're strong. You just need to learn to be less of an idiot, and you'll be fine. Even without my magnificent help."

"You're going to come with me," Natsume says. He tries to gather his spiritual power in his mind and push it at Nyanko.

Nothing changes.

"Natsume," Natori says, touching his hair, as if that will do anything. "Natsume, there's no saving him."

"You don't understand," Natsume whispers. "He's my…"

There isn't a word. There's no human word for the sort of companion that Nyanko is. For the safety he brought to Natsume's life. For the hope he generously gave. For the new life that Natsume was able to build, because of _Nyanko_.

"…best friend."

"Don't do this," Matoba says.

He's the worst person Natsume has ever met.

"Thirty seconds," calls the bird-spirit.

"If you get up," Natsume whispers, "I'll make you fried pork for dinner tonight. You can have as much as you want."

And then, impossibly, Nyanko lifts his head and gets to his feet.

"Why didn't you just say so?" he demands, irritably.

Natsume wants to cry from relief. He fists his hand in Nyanko's mane and bows his head.

"Were you just waiting for that all along?" he asks in disbelief.

"Nah, that was just coincidence," Nyanko says. "I feel better. I'm fine now."

Natsume laughs and hugs him.

* * *

><p>"This is impossible," Natori says, amazed. "According to the law, nobody has ever survived a poison barb before."<p>

"I don't imagine this one is any less lethal," Matoba says, sounding genuinely sad.

Matoba is actually a pretty smart person. Tanuma isn't smart at all. If he was a bit smarter, he'd have waited long enough to trap the other sickness-spirits. But then Ponta might have died, and even Tanuma cannot reverse death.

He falls to his knees, dizzy and paralysed by the poison. This is the worst he's ever felt. He wonders if dying will hurt. He turns his head a little, and he can still see Natsume snuggling with Ponta. Tanuma really did want to live a little longer.

"Natsume!" Taki shrieks.

"It's okay," Tanuma murmurs.

This is what he is for. This is the correct fate of someone as ordinary as Tanuma in the face of such wonderful, beautiful, perfect friends. Natsume is going to save the world and Taki is going to help him. Tanuma was only ever another stepping stone for that end. And there was never going to be a table; green, plastic or otherwise. Tanuma has done everything he can, and he is oddly satisfied with his life.

But then Natsume looks right at him, and the expression on Natsume's face almost makes him regret his actions.

Almost.

* * *

><p>Natsume doesn't remember running , or kneeling down on the ground, or dragging Tanuma away from the trap and gathering Tanuma in his arms. He only remembers the screaming in his head, the hurtling pace of his mind as it tries to sort through a dozen semi-reasonable explanations as to why Tanuma is on the ground but still totally alive and definitely fine.<p>

But he already knows. In his heart, he knows. He has been terrified of this moment for too long to fail to recognise it happening in front of his very eyes.

Tanuma is dying.

"It's okay," Tanuma says. His head is against Natsume's stomach, because Natsume doesn't have the strength to lift him into a proper sitting position. "It's okay."

"Swap back," Natsume says, voice shaking, hands shaking. "Swap back. Swap back. Swap back."

"No," Tanuma says.

"Swap back," Natsume says, voice cracking and shifting into a high-pitched wail. "Swap back. There isn't any time. Tanuma. Tanuma."

"There _isn't_ any time," Matoba says, from somewhere behind Natsume. "The other spirits are here!"

"Natsume!" Taki says, voice sharp and demanding.

Natsume stares up at her.

"Help," he breathes. "Help us."

The insignia on Taki's wrist starts to glow. She is staring at Natsume with a fierceness he has never seen before.

"I'm going to work the trap," she tells him. "You need to find a way to save Tanuma."

Natsume doesn't say 'yes,' because he hates lying to people he loves.

"Understood," he replies, instead.

* * *

><p>And on her own, scared, and blind to anything the spirits might be doing, Taki Tooru brings the trap to life. From what Tanuma can see, it is beautiful.<p>

He hates that he has to die so soon.

Natsume is shouting at Natori. Actually shouting, and Tanuma never meant to make him feel so scared. It would have been easier if they were never friends. It would have been easier for Tanuma to just save Natsume from a distance. Friendship is always painful.

"There has to be a way!" Natsume argues loudly.

"There isn't," Natori says, sounding distressed.

"But he's _human_!"

"I'm okay," Tanuma says, gently. He wishes he could make Natsume understand. "This is how it was meant to be."

"_No!"_ Natsume says. "Swap back. Swap with someone. Swap with me!"

"I would never kill you," Tanuma slurs. The poison is starting to make speech difficult. He doesn't have long.

"I don't want you to die," Natsume says, tremulously.

"I'm sorry," Tanuma says, and he means it. "Ponta will take good care of you. You'll be okay."

"_NO!"_

The others are starting to back away, to give them space. They've already given up. Good. That will make this easier. There are still important things that Tanuma wants to say.

"This is how it was meant to be," Tanuma says. "This is a natural progression for me. I…I love you."

"Don't _say_ that," Natsume sobs. "This isn't the end."

Tanuma's vision is starting to blur. He fists his hand weakly on Natsume's jeans, and puts the rest of his strength into the five most important words left in the world.

"Tell me about the table," he manages.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you for reading.

+ next chapter will be up in one or two weeks.


	17. Chapter 17

notes/warnings

+ character death

+ grief/sadness

* * *

><p><strong>Part Seventeen<br>**

Natsume can barely speak. His throat is swollen and he wants to lie down and die beside Tanuma. He never wanted this. He would have rather lost Nyanko, and that is a terrible thing to think.

"It's green," he chokes, desperately trying to comfort his best friend. His real best friend, who he adores, who he would have gladly died for. "A-and the legs are w-wobbly."

Tanuma doesn't respond. He's still breathing though. He's still warm. Natsume sucks in a deep breath of air and breaks down for a second time.

"Swap with someone," he begs. "Swap with a spirit. Swap with me. You have to live. Please live. Please please please live."

He would trade all the spiritual powers in the world for the chance to reverse Tanuma's swapping. He'd sell his soul for one more day together. This is unacceptable. Tanuma can't die. Natsume doesn't know what to do with a world where Tanuma is dead.

"Please," he whispers. "Please."

"Natsume?"

Aoi crawls into Natsume's peripheral vision. Natsume ignores her.

"What will Kitamoto think?" Natsume continues, pressing his face into Tanuma's hair. "What about your father?"

He doesn't even know if Tanuma can feel his touch.

"Natsume?" Aoi says again. "Natsume, please look at me."

"Go away," Natsume tells her. "Leave me alone."

It is then that he realises Aoi isn't getting up off the ground, either. She doesn't seem to be able to walk.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I just wanted to be near you again."

Natsume stares at her. She jerks her thumb in the general direction of the yellow-flowered bush.

"Frog's bane," she says, with a bitter little smile. "Lethally toxic to amphibians and fish. That includes associated spirits. My sister always told me to be careful of plants, but I guess I didn't listen."

Natsume stares at her, not comprehending.

"Natsume can't help you," Natori says, bending down and taking her hand. "Would you like me to sit with you?"

"No," Aoi tells him. "I'll become dangerous to you when the suffering starts."

"Suffering?" Natsume asks, curling his fingers against Tanuma's shoulder.

_Isn't there enough suffering in the world already?_ he thinks, helplessly.

"Frog's bane is famous for its slow-acting poison," Natori says. "Victims suffer agonizing pain before dying."

"Stop talking about it," Aoi whimpers, clapping her hands over her ears and then flinching and flopping back on the ground. "I don't want to think about it. I don't want to die in pain. Can't you make it quick?"

Natori shakes his head, edging away. Aoi turns back to Natsume. Her eyes are huge and there are tears streaming down her face. She looks like a child.

"Fish spirits are notoriously difficult to kill," she tells him. "I'm sorry. I know this was your special time with your sick friend. I'm just scared."

Tanuma is dying on Natsume's lap. Tanuma is dying, _today_ and now, and there is nothing that Natsume can do to save him.

Tanuma loves Natsume, and he's dying.

Natsume never, ever should have let himself have friends. He is responsible for all of this.

"I don't care," he tells Aoi. "I'm sorry."

* * *

><p>But Tanuma cares. Tanuma wants to reach out and take Aoi's hand. But he can barely move.<p>

So he does the only thing he can do.

One last time.

* * *

><p>Natsume realises, suddenly, what Tanuma is trying to do.<p>

"No," he says, gripping his friend tightly. "No. Don't. You don't have to suffer even more. Stop. _Stop. _Don't swap with _her_."

But it's already too late. Tanuma tenses up, and Aoi smiles and relaxes. She looks sleepy and nearly dead. Their healths have been reversed.

Even when he's dying, Tanuma manages to save someone else.

"No!" Natsume yells. "Tanuma, stop that!"

"I understand now," Aoi says, softly. "I understand what you said, Natsume."

"Swap back with him," Natsume begs her. "Swap back."

"No," Aoi replies.

And with that, her body dissolves into a thousand tiny minnow-like particles that swim off into the air and disappear.

"She is dead," Natori says, rather unnecessarily.

* * *

><p>And Tanuma waits stiffly for a painful death, more than a little terrified. He tries not to think of his father. He tries not to think of the chess game he was looking forward to tomorrow. He tries not to think about Natsume's eyes.<p>

And time passes. Too much time. Tanuma opens his eyes again. A cold, evil fear seeps into his chest, the stabbing realisation of what he has done.

Aoi wasn't dying when he swapped with her.

Tanuma struggles to get up. Natsume makes a tiny, explosive noise and tightens his grip on Tanuma.

"No," Tanuma manages, gripping the back of Natsume's shirt and attempting to force himself into a sitting position.

"Tanuma," Natsume breathes. He's shaking so hard that Tanuma wonders if he's ill. "Please don't die."

"Natori," Tanuma calls. "That thing you said about the Frog's Bane. Was it true?"

Natori gives him a long, severe stare.

"I helped Aoi do what she wanted to do," he says, sternly.

"No," Tanuma gasps.

He's never killed anyone. He has never _ever_ made anyone's health worse. He's a healer and that's not what he does and he has _principles_.

"You can blame Natori for it," Matoba says. "She used your lack of spiritual knowledge to trick you. You couldn't have known."

"Wait," Natsume blubbers. "Is Tanuma going to live?"

"No," Tanuma says, again. "She was just a little girl. I killed someone. _I killed someone!"_

"She chose to die," Ponta says, waddling up beside him. "You didn't choose to be an idiot."

"No," Tanuma says weakly. "You don't understand."

_He_ should have died. That was the whole point. Unable to contain his guilt any longer, Tanuma pushes his face against Natsume's shoulder and screams.

* * *

><p>Nyanko puts his paw on the back of Natsume's hand.<p>

"Aoi saved him for you," he says, patiently, his voice barely audible over Tanuma's heart-wrenching wailing. "Tanuma is going to live."

Tanuma is making noise. His muscles are moving under Natsume's hands. He feels alive.

He's…he's going to live.

He's going to _live_.

"Oh my god," Natsume says, and bursts into a fresh wave of tears.

"If anybody is wondering," Taki says, from somewhere behind him. "I trapped the spirits."

* * *

><p>They walk home, because neither of the adults have a car on hand, and because Ponta is too weak to carry anyone.<p>

Natori and Matoba keep congratulating Taki.

"You're a lot sharper than an average human," Natori muses. "I might attempt to recruit you."

On any other day, Tanuma would have smiled. Today he just feels like he's waiting for the other shoe to fall. Natsume is pressed against his right side, both arms still around Tanuma's waist. He keeps in step with the rest of them using a weird, crab-like shuffle. He's still _so scared. _

"I appreciate your words," Taki tells Natori. "But I don't really have the energy to keep up a conversation right now."

She's hanging on to Tanuma's hand painfully tightly, as if he might just slip away and vanish if not for her grip. Tanuma has never had to deal with any consequences for healing people before. Nobody has ever known. Nobody has ever been scared for him like this.

And Tanuma knows from Natsume's uncharacteristic behaviour that this isn't over. The worst is yet to come, somehow.

When they reach Tanuma's house, Taki turns to him. She still looks both disappointed and frightened.

"I'm sorry," Tanuma says.

"We'll talk later," she replies, and hugs him briefly.

And then, quite suddenly, Natsume lets Tanuma go and steps back. For a moment Tanuma is trapped, unable to look away, literally terrified of whatever Natsume might have to say. But Natsume just stares at Tanuma like he's still not quite sure that Tanuma is real.

"I'll go inside with you," Natsume says, softly.

Tanuma swallows hard. He opens the door with shaking hands. His father greets them informally without even really looking up. The sun is still high in the sky. As far as his father knows, today is a perfectly ordinary day.

They reach Tanuma's room. Tanuma crosses to the centre of the floor and turns to Natsume.

"I'm sorry," he says, pitifully, rubbing at his eyes like he always does when he's about to cry. "I never meant to scare you. If the alternative hadn't been letting Ponta die, I never would have-"

"I thought you were going to die," Natsume says. He sounds utterly ruined, as if he has barely any energy left. "Tanuma, I thought you were dead."

"I'm alive," Tanuma tells him. "Everyone is alive. Everything is okay."

"You're alive," Natsume repeats, with a bitter little laugh. "You'll be okay here. Your dad has strong spiritual power, although he doesn't know it."

Tanuma doesn't think Natsume is just talking about recovering from the headache.

An ugly little voice at the back of his head says _this isn't fair. Natsume does this to people all the time, but the first time you do it he never forgives you_.

"It won't happen again," Tanuma says, quickly. "I won't let it happen again."

Natsume blinks.

"You're going to stop healing?" he asks, uncharacteristically sceptical. "You're going to stay safe, no matter what?"

"I can't promise that," Tanuma says, ruefully. "I can't promise that, but I can-"

"I can't be near you any more," Natsume says with finality, all hope gone from his voice. "I'm dangerous to you."

"But…"

Tanuma trails off uselessly. He has nothing to say. It was always going to end this way.

"I won't talk to you when we meet at school or at festivals," Natsume continues. "I won't call and I won't visit. You'll be safe from me. You can make new friends."

"_No_," Tanuma chokes, tearing up. "Please. I didn't mean to do this."

"You meant to die," Natsume says, voice hitching. "I couldn't protect you. I can't protect you. I'm only a danger to you."

What Tanuma said earlier - when he was dying in the middle of the clearing – doesn't matter. How he feels doesn't matter. Natsume has always been the driving force in their friendship. And now, he is ending it.

"That's who I am," Tanuma says, bowing his head. "That's what I do."

Natsume nods.

"I'll help you if you're ever in trouble," he says. "Other than that, you should forget about me. Go and make some new friends."

"You too," Tanuma says, swiping the tears from his cheeks with his fingertips. "If you ever need anything, just call."

"I won't," Natsume says. "Good bye, Tanuma."

He leaves without another word.

Tanuma collapses to the ground, crawls over to his bed, and covers his face with his arms.

* * *

><p>Natsume goes home. He plasters a smile on his face to greet Touko and Shigeru, and tells them that he has a lot of homework to do and that he won' t be downstairs again before breakfast.<p>

Then he goes to his room, and shuts himself up in his closet.

He doesn't know what to do.

He doesn't know how to deal with this.

Every time Natsume closes his eyes, he still sees Tanuma's nearly-lifeless body. Coping with the day's events is almost impossible, especially when he can't see or talk to Tanuma in order to assuage his fears. Because the truth is that Tanuma is only alive because Aoi loved Natsume, because Aoi was clever and willing to sacrifice herself. There was nothing that Natsume could have done to save him. The whole point of his relationship with Tanuma was grounded in the misguided assumption that he could protect Tanuma.

But that isn't true. Everything is lost. To go on being near Tanuma would be the ultimate exercise in selfishness. In trying to ease the aching in his heart, he will precipitate Tanuma's death, and that is unacceptable. Natsume will gladly never be close to Tanuma again, if it means that Tanuma gets to go on living.

He'll have to be careful for a while. Tanuma will probably swap with him hourly or something equally terrifying. Natsume can guess what Tanuma will do, because he can guess what _he'd _do if their roles were reversed. But then, eventually, Tanuma will make new friends and he'll forget about Natsume and everything will be as it should be.

He cannot bear the idea of Tanuma dying for him. He literally cannot bear it. He feels viscerally ill, thinking about how things might have turned out. Terminating their friendship was the only way he could ever have had peace.

Out of the corner of his eye, Natsume sees the picture of the table, pinned to the wall. It is partially obscured by Tanuma's clumsy handwriting, spelling out the words '_we are definitely going to do this_'.

Natsume is exhausted with the world. He sits in the closet and bawls for three hours straight. And then he takes the picture of the table down from the wall, crushes it in his hand, and tosses it into the garbage bin.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you for reading

+ should update again next week.


	18. Chapter 18

notes/warnings

+ Taki is awesome.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Eighteen<strong>

* * *

><p>After that, Natsume calls Taki.<p>

"Hi," she says, weakly.

"Hi," Natsume replies, uncertain as to what exactly he wants to say. Nyanko waddles into the room, and flops down on top of Natsume's foot, purring rhythmically. "Listen. I talked to Tanuma, and-"

"Is he okay?" Taki interrupts. "I don't even know if he ended up with any injuries or illnesses after today."

"I think he was okay," Natsume tells her. "But listen, he and I have stopped being friends."

There is a short pause on the other end of the line.

"I'm sorry," Taki says carefully. "I must have misheard. I thought you just said you stopped being friends."

"That's right. We've, um. We've decided to be friends with different, other people."

Natsume is pretty sure he can _hear_ Taki narrow her eyes.

"You both decided, or you decided?" she asks.

"I decided," Natsume confirms.

"Oh," Taki says, distantly. "Oh. Right. Okay."

"I won't ask you to change anything," Natsume assures her. "Feel free to continue to be friends with either of us, or both of us. This won't really affect you."

"Okay."

"If anyone asks you about it at school, just tell them to talk to me," Natsume continues. "I will make this as easy for everyone as possible."

The last thing he wants is to hurt his precious, darling friends for even a moment longer.

"Okay."

Natsume chews on his lower lip.

"Are you all right?" he asks, gently. "You seem a little distracted."

"I'm sorry," Taki admits. "This has been a really hard day for me. I mean I had to fight super-strong spirits all on my own. Plus I found out that one of my best friends is a self-sacrificing healer, and now I've just found out my other best friend is a jerk."

Natsume actually flinches.

"I'm doing what is best," he reasons.

"Okay," Taki says. "But I'm going to bed now. I'm tired."

"I'll see you at school?" Natsume ventures.

He knows Taki is angry with him, because nobody goes to bed at this early hour of the evening. He's not a jerk. He's doing exactly what is right, and he's confident in his decision. Maybe someday Taki will understand that, too.

"I'll be there," Taki replies. "I'll be your friend for as long as you decide I'm allowed to be."

"Thanks," Natsume says, and she hangs up.

* * *

><p>"Did something happen today?" Tanuma's father asks.<p>

Tanuma considers this for a moment.

"Yes," he replies. "Something happened, and it was bad. I might have lost my friends for good. I really don't want to talk about it."

"Was it to do with your ability?" Tanuma's father asks. "I don't need to know the details. Just answer yes or no."

"Sort of," Tanuma replies.

They don't talk about this. They _never_ talk about this. Neither of them have ever even acknowledged Tanuma's powers. He must look really upset, for his father to be saying these things now.

"I'm proud of you, Kaname," his father says thickly, patting Tanuma's hand. "I don't know what you did, but I'm glad you're okay."

"I'm glad _you're_ okay," Tanuma replies, and means it.

He is so lucky to be surrounded by people he loves. And even if one of them is lost now – even if the one Tanuma loved the most is going to be practically a stranger – Tanuma is still lucky, because all of them are alive and well.

Tanuma thinks he might start crying then and there, but he is distracted by a knock on the door.

"I'll tell them that I'm busy," Tanuma's father says, getting to his feet. "The visitors shouldn't be interrupting meals."

"I'm going to sleep," Tanuma says, seizing the opportunity to escape to his room. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He leaves without waiting for a response, and closes his bedroom door firmly behind him. He's lonely, but he doesn't want company. He wants Natsume. He wants his _friend_.

Roughly three seconds later, someone knocks on his door.

"Yes?" Tanuma calls, as politely as he can manage.

The door is pushed gently aside, and standing there is Taki, with a small bag slung over her shoulder.

"I heard about what Natsume said to you," she says, quietly. "I'm really sorry. I've come here to tell you that I'm still your friend, and that I will look after you if you want."

Overwhelmed, Tanuma holds out his arms. Taki closes the door behind her, and then crosses the room and hugs him tightly. Tanuma starts crying for approximately the fiftieth time since breakfast, but at least this time he feels like he can breathe.

* * *

><p>Things don't get any easier when they go back to school.<p>

"What happened?" Kitamoto asks, gesturing from where Natsume is presently sitting to a spot halfway around the baseball field, where Tanuma is huddled on his own. "Did somebody say something about you two again?"

"I think this time we should just punch whoever said it," Nishimura adds, with a conviction that is obviously intended to make Natsume feel better.

It doesn't.

"We're not sitting together," Natsume replies, because '_we're not friends anymore'_ will draw too many painful questions.

"Why?" Kitamoto asks.

He glances at Taki, who looks pointedly away. Everything is such a mess and Natsume suddenly wishes he didn't have _any_ friends, because he only ever hurts his friends.

"I don't want to talk about it," Natsume replies.

Kitamoto stares at him for a moment, wearing a horribly sad expression that manages to make Natsume feel even worse.

"Okay," he says simply.

He and Nishimura join them without any further questioning, and start talking about schoolwork and how Nishimura is absolutely definitely going to be a tap-dancer and he's sure about it this time.

A few moments later Taki gets up.

"I'm going to sit with Tanuma," she says briskly.

* * *

><p>Taki stays by his side for the rest of the day, and the day after that, too. Which is good, because Tanuma still feels fragile under his skin, as if he might break apart at any moment.<p>

He killed someone. Natsume is no longer his friend, and he _killed someone. _She was only young. She might have been a _child_.

His world is not the same as it was before he killed her.

He and Taki walk home together after school. The insignia on Taki's wrist is still visible, and she still has scratches on her legs from walking around in the forest. Tanuma can't do much about them, because he has several large, ugly bruises on his own legs that would be even more painful.

"Want me to stay over again tonight?" Taki asks.

Tanuma knows that Sasada invited Taki to see a movie tonight. He knows that her parents will be concerned about her, staying away from home for so long. And he knows, right now, that Natsume is walking home by himself, head low, probably worrying about a thousand different things.

"It's all right," Tanuma says. "I'm fine now."

"Well, yeah," Taki says. "But I like spending time with you. Sasada's boring, anyway. All she talks about is university and cute clothes and cute girls."

"And all you want to talk about is cute cats," Tanuma says indulgently.

"Of course," Taki replies, grinning. "Nobody understands me."

They walk a little longer in silence. Tanuma knows what he should say. He just needs to figure out the right way to say it.

"Hey," he says. "We'll always be friends, right?"

Taki stops dead, and turns to him.

"Yes," she says, soberly. "And that means something."

"Right," Tanuma agrees, a little confused.

Taki walks forward, until she's standing barely a few inches away from him, and jabs at the air with her index finger.

"No," she clarifies. "You don't understand. It means that you're important to me. It means that if you ever do what you tried to do last weekend, you will break my heart."

Tanuma sags, letting his satchel slip from his shoulder and fall to the ground beside him. He doesn't know how to deal with the pain he's caused her.

"I'm sorry," he says.

"Don't apologise," Taki says. "Listen. What you do is noble and heroic and good. You shouldn't feel bad for doing it. Not for any of it. Not even for that girl. You did what any good person would have done. Her death was a gift that she gave someone else, and you shouldn't feel responsible for that."

Tanuma blinks. Taki takes a long, deep breath and continues.

"But I want you to always remember me, even if we're apart. Even if we haven't spoken in years. I don't know what the future holds, but if you ever have to choose between saving someone and staying alive, please think of me. I want to always be considered in your decision."

Tanuma suspects he is probably crying again. He feels as if a great, aching weight has been lifted from his shoulders. Taki is clever and reasonable and kind, and the words she says are powerful. And still she asks so little of him.

"Always," he says quickly.

"Good," Taki replies firmly, and they start walking again. "What did you want to say?"

"I wanted to say that I think you should sleep over whenever you want," Tanuma tells her. "My father loves having you around, and so do I."

"Great," Taki says, happily.

"And I think we should spend time together on weekends, as well," Tanuma says. "Maybe more than we have been already. Maybe all of the weekends. But, I don't think we should spend time at school. Or on days when Natsume needs you."

"You still care about him so much, even after what he said to you?" Taki asks.

"Yes," Tanuma answers. "And I care about you. I don't want you exhausting yourself, trying to split time between us. He's still the one who is actively fighting monsters. He's still the one with hardly any other people he can talk to. If you want to spend all day with him at school, I would appreciate that. I don't like to think of him as being sad and lonely, but I can't help him any more. But you can. And whenever it suits you, you can come and find me. I'm never busy, and I'm always okay."

"That's a lie," Taki says, quietly.

"Plus, I know you miss Ponta," Tanuma adds.

Taki elbows him gently and laughs.

"Okay, fine," she says. "I'll talk to Natsume more, and try not to leave him on his own at school."

"Thanks," Tanuma replies.

Taki is the best friend he's ever had.

* * *

><p>Natsume loses track of the days. Taki starts sitting with him in class, starts talking to him like everything is normal, like they've always been a duo instead of a trio. Natsume buries himself in his schoolwork and in his dealings with spirits. He steers away from anything violent or dangerous, and desperately doesn't think about university or where he's going to live next year.<p>

When he catches himself daydreaming about the green plastic table, he forces himself to think of brown wooden tables and sensible furniture. He tries to imagine what it would be like to live with Taki, or Kitamoto and Nishimura. He tries to drown out the fantasies that do nothing but leave him miserable and empty.

"How did the thing go with the two feuding bug spirits?" Taki whispers, sliding into the seat beside him.

"All sorted," Natsume mouths back, and manages to smile for her.

He hasn't asked her to help him again yet. It's too soon. If she goes, she may get hurt. And if she gets hurt, Tanuma will get hurt, and Natsume cannot even think about that.

"Do you need my help with anything tonight?" Taki asks, casually.

"No," Natsume tells her.

"Good," Taki replies. "Then I've got plans."

"Did Nishimura finally ask you out on a date?" Natsume asks, trying to keep the conversation normal.

"No," Taki replies. "Please stop asking about what I'm doing when I'm not with you."

"Are you seeing Tanuma?" Natsume asks, horrified by how desperate he sounds.

Taki hasn't said a word about Tanuma to him since the day Tanuma almost died. But Natsume knows she spends time with him, and he just wants to know that Tanuma is doing well and happy and ideally making new friends and healthy and alive and sleeping okay. He wants to know if Tanuma still laughs, and whether his laugh has changed, and whether he's found a new favourite board game.

He wants to know, but he can't ask.

"Don't," is all that Taki says, sounding strangely irritated.

"I'm sorry," Natsume replies, terribly embarrassed.

He doesn't know how to handle the way he feels.

* * *

><p>Tanuma gets home, sits on the floor, and closes his eyes.<p>

He knows Natsume is okay. Taki tells him how Natsume is doing every day; in fact she'll recount all of their conversations for him if he asks. But he doesn't ask, because he values Natsume's privacy.

In the past two weeks, Natsume has only gotten two injuries; a grazed knee and a cut on his face. Tanuma knows that much for sure. And if Natsume is healthy, then Tanuma can't ask for more than that.

He was stupid to ever hope for more than that.

Tanuma eyes the books on his desk. They are all indexes of the various universities in Japan, and a select few abroad. Tanuma has bookmarked a few that are close to the temple. He'll live at home while he studies, and perhaps take over from his father here if the job market is unkind.

It doesn't matter what else he does with his life. His main purpose is to be a healer, and to take care of Natsume. He can do both of those things no matter what his vocation.

"Sorry to interrupt," his father says, quietly. "There's a man downstairs who says he's here to see you. I don't recognise him, but he acts as though I should know who he is."

Well, Tanuma knows exactly one person fitting that description.

_What is he doing here? _

_Does he know?_

"Should I tell him you're busy?" Tanuma's father asks.

"No, I'll see him." Tanuma replies.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you for reading :)


	19. Chapter 19

notes/warnings

+ not a lot, actually.

+ this is the chapter of Various Backstories.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Nineteen<strong>

* * *

><p>They go for a walk around the temple.<p>

"So," Natori says, politely. "How are things?"

Tanuma considers this question carefully. He knows that Natsume isn't close to Natori, and therefore it would be a mistake to divulge too much information.

"Fine," he replies. "Everything is okay."

"I'm sorry that Natsume is avoiding you," Natori says. "He shouldn't be-"

"Natsume isn't doing anything wrong," Tanuma says, firmly.

And here he is, interrupting an adult – a very _famous _adult – to start what is potentially going to be an argument. A year ago Tanuma would have nodded meekly and held his tongue. A few months ago he would have stuttered and apologised for his disagreement. But now, he is certain in what he has to say.

Is this what it means to be grown up?

"Isn't he?" Natori asks. "So it was right for him to keep you in the dark, and push you away from the spirit world for all these years?"

"Without him, I wouldn't have even known about the spirit world," Tanuma says.

"That's true," Natori muses. "You have no spiritual ability yourself, so I suppose it is different."

_Different from what_? Tanuma wonders.

"Anyway, I just came to check that you were okay," Natori continues, smiling luminously. "As it turns out, you're a very important person. I would hate for you to be harmed."

"Did this happen to you?" Tanuma asks, suddenly understanding.

Natori waves a hand in the air dismissively.

"I'm no healer, I promise you," he says.

"Not that," Tanuma says. "This whole situation. Did you ever have someone who tried to keep you away from something? Were they a friend?"

Natori actually hesitates, and Tanuma feels like he's won some sort of intangible adult victory.

"They're not a friend any more," Natori says, eventually. "And it _was_ different, because I can see spirits on my own."

"So why did he want to keep you out?"

"I was a little bit weaker than he was, I suppose," Natori says, smiling wryly. "I decided we should stop being friends after that. People shouldn't try to control other people."

"Is what I do wrong?" Tanuma enquires. "Am I trying to control people by swapping with them?"

Natori rubs his chin.

"You would make an incredibly evil villain, Tanuma Kaname," he says, patting Tanuma's head. "But as a good person, no. I don't believe you're doing anything wrong. You give people health, and generally they don't even know what you've done. You don't ask for anything in return."

"Natsume is good, too," Tanuma says. "He doesn't try to control people. He's not like your friend with the eye-patch."

"You're guessing, now," Natori says, sounding uncomfortable. "Anyway, I agree that Natsume is an extremely good person, but that doesn't mean that there is nothing left for him to learn."

"This isn't a lesson," Tanuma argues, annoyed. "This is his decision."

"Perhaps he will change his mind," Natori says, thoughtfully.

"Perhaps you should make up with your old friend," Tanuma shoots back. He hates anyone saying anything bad about Natsume. Natsume has done _nothing wrong_. "You're the one who decided you should part, right? You could go back and change things at any time."

Natsume has done _hardly anything_ wrong.

"I don't think I want to," Natori says, evenly.

"That's fine," Tanuma says. "But that's your choice. You are a lot luckier than me, because I don't get to choose."

Natori blinks at him, and then smiles.

"You are growing into a fine young man, Tanuma," he says, warmly. "Keep doing what you are doing."

"Okay," Tanuma replies, because he isn't really sure how he ought to respond.

Natori leaves not long after that. They don't really have anything else to talk about.

* * *

><p>Days pass. Natsume spends a lot of his free time talking to Nyanko. He agrees to relocate a field-spirit who has been causing disruptions in the forest, and ends up needing Taki's help. At school, he catches himself doodling tables and Tanuma's first name in his margins. He thinks <em>this is how it's going to be<em>. He's always going to be miserable. And the end of school is looming huge on the horizon, and he's scared of everything changing. He's scared of forgetting what he so desperately wanted. He's scared of not forgetting.

On Thursday, he and Taki sift through several glossy florist catalogues, trying to find a suitable bouquet for him to take to Aoi's relatives. Natsume should have done this sooner, but even now he has trouble concentrating.

"I think white would be most appropriate," Taki muses. "Maybe lilies and other water flowers, since she was a fish?"

"Yeah," Natsume replies, distractedly.

Taki nearly got badly hurt yesterday. She was pushed off the edge of a steep incline by the field-spirit, and it was only luck that Nyanko had managed to grab her arm to stop her from falling. Natsume's still feels tense when he thinks about it. He doesn't want Taki to get hurt, and he has to prove to Tanuma that he can protect Taki from harm. He needs Tanuma to trust him and not swap with both of them all the time.

He needs so many things right now, and he's so lonely, and he can't stand it.

"Are you worried?" Natsume blurts out, suddenly.

"About what?" Taki asks, calmly.

"About Tanuma," Natsume admits. "About what he can do. Aren't you worried that he might swap with someone and get seriously hurt, or die?"

Taki puts the catalogue down, and turns to Natsume. Her gaze is scrutinizing, and uncharacteristically cold.

"Do you really want to talk about this?" she asks, voice neutral.

"Yes."

He's so tired of not knowing anything about Tanuma. He wants to be able to mirror Taki's grace. He still has his whole life ahead of him.

"Good," Taki says. "Of course I'm worried about Tanuma. He's my friend."

"It's kind of awful, though, isn't it?" Natsume says, mostly to himself. "I feel helpless. I've done everything I can, and I still don't know if I'll be able to protect him."

"I don't know," Taki replies. "I guess I'm used to it."

Natsume blinks at her, feeling suddenly lost.

"Used to it?" he asks. "Why? Did…did you know before I did?"

"_No_," Taki says, loudly. "I'm used to it because of _you_."

_Wait, what?_

"Because of me? But I'm not a heal-"

"No," Taki says, getting to her feet. "But you're out there fighting spirits every other day, and half the spirits you've ever met are trying to eat or hurt you. I've always been worried for you, and now I'm worried for Tanuma, too."

Natsume shakes his head, and takes a step back.

"No," he says. "It isn't the same."

"Yes it is," Taki snaps. "What you're going through now is what Tanuma and I go through every day, being friends with you."

"No," Natsume says, again.

"You haven't even thought about it, have you?" Taki demands. "Back before all of this happened, whenever you were out dealing with spirits, Tanuma and I used to spend hours on the phone just wondering whether you were okay. We knew there was nothing we could do to protect you. We knew we had to trust in you, and believe that you would be fine."

Taki hesitates, as if waiting for a reaction. Natsume doesn't move for a full minute. Then, slowly, he presses his hands flat against his face. He feels as if he's been kicked in the stomach.

"Oh my," he breathes. "What have I done?"

The whole point was for his friends to never get hurt, and to never worry. But humans always get attached to other humans. He should have known. He should never have made friends in the first place. He should never have told anyone his secrets. He should live the life of his grandmother, solitary and alone, devoid of human contact.

"Look," Taki says, tiredly, "you don't have to be friends with Tanuma if it's painful or you can't handle it, but don't act like he's done anything wrong. Because if you think he's doing something wrong, then you're just a hypocrite!"

He's…a hypocrite?

"I don't want you to worry," Natsume mumbles. "Please don't worry for me."

"I will worry for you," Taki says, steadily. "And that's okay. We're friends. You worry for me and I have accepted that part of your life involves putting yourself in danger. I'm okay with it."

Natsume scrubs a hand over his face.

"I'm glad," he breathes. "I'm glad I still have you. Listen, what you've just told me, can you go and tell Tanuma all of that as well? Can you tell him that I'm sorry, and that none of this is his fault? I don't want him to feel bad about our friendship ending."

"So you're still not talking to him?" Taki asks, sounding disappointed.

"We can't be friends," Natsume says. "It's too dangerous. I'm sorry. I can't hurt him any more than I already have."

Taki nods.

"Okay," she says. "But I don't really want to talk to you right now. I think you should leave."

"I will," Natsume says, weakly.

* * *

><p>Tanuma spends his lunch period with Kitamoto and Nishimura. They sit in the sun, lazily passing a baseball to each other and talking about girls.<p>

"I can't wait for university," Kitamoto says, enthusiastically. "Next year, I'm definitely going to get a girlfriend."

"You can't just say that," Nishimura complains. "You can't unilaterally decide to get a girlfriend. You need a girl to like you as much as you like her, and there's no guarantee of that."

Tanuma nudges Nishimura gently.

"What about you?" he asks. "Are you going to confess to Taki on the last day of school? You would have nothing to lose, right?"

Nishimura sort of curls up on the spot, and hugs his own knees.

"I don't know," he says, forlornly. "I mean, she probably already knows how I feel, right? And what if I told her that I loved her and she didn't say the same thing back to me? What if she didn't even acknowledge it? That would probably make me feel horrible."

Tanuma feels his chest tighten unpleasantly.

"Yeah," he says, softly. "It does make you feel horrible."

* * *

><p>Some things are so enormous, so large and important, that there are no words that are appropriate. 'I'm sorry' doesn't even come close, and 'thank you' seems unacceptably trite. So Natsume ends up just standing there, awkwardly, mosquitos buzzing around his legs and flowers wilting in his hands.<p>

Hikari sits on a rock at the edge of the lake. She still has long red hair, like she did the last time they met, but now she has scales on her hands and arms, and long gills curving from her jaw to her neck.

Perhaps Aoi would have looked the same, when she got older. Natsume will never know. She loved him and followed him around and protected his friends, and he barely knew anything about her. Natsume starts to weep, fat tears rolling down his cheeks, breath hitching. He's been crying a lot recently.

Hikari gets up from the water and walks towards him. She stops a few feet away, her expression absolutely neutral. She is dressed entirely in grey, as if in mourning.

"I should eat you," she says, emphatically.

Something in a nearby bush starts growling in a suspiciously Nyanko-like way. Hikari snorts, and turns away.

"But that wouldn't bring my sister back," she says. "Nothing will."

"I'm sorry," Natsume says, sniffling pathetically. "I am so, so sorry."

Hikair hesitates.

"Do you have brothers or sisters?" she asks.

Natsume shakes his head.

"Then go away," Hikari says. "You don't know how I feel. You don't know this sadness, and you never, ever will. We were going to travel out to the ocean next spring. She had never seen ocean fish, and I was going to show her."

Natsume feels his throat tighten. He is lucky that all his precious people are alive, even if his own plans have been similarly crushed. He did the right thing by pushing Tanuma away. He doesn't want to feel this sort of grief.

"I know there's nothing I can do," Natsume says, softly. "Aoi was trying to protect me and the other humans I cared about, and I didn't even realise what she was doing until it was too late."

"I wish I had been there," Hikari says, sadly. "I wish I had been there to say goodbye. She was so important to me. She was my only little sister."

"To say goodbye?" Natsume asks, surprised enough that he stops crying. "What do you mean? Wouldn't you have tried to stop her?"

"Autonomy is important," Hikari says. "People should be allowed to do what they want with their lives."

Natsume feels himself getting angry, despite everything. Aoi was just a little girl.

"What she wanted to do was _die_," Natsume says. "Are you telling me that you're okay with that? I thought you loved her."

"My," Hikari says, twirling a lock of hair aimlessly around her fingers. "You're still only a child, aren't you? You cannot love someone by putting them in a cage. That is selfish. I respect what Aoi chose to do, but I still grieve. I wish she had not died, but I would not see her denied her choices."

Tears start to prick at the corners of Natsume's eyes again. He wanted closure, but all he is getting is frustration. He sets the flowers carefully on the ground.

"I should go," he says. "The world of spirits is very different to the world of humans."

Hikari tilts her head back.

"It was a human who taught me to think like this," she announces. "Decades ago. She was young, like you are now, but she was obviously a little bit smarter."

"She was wrong," Natsume insists.

"I was mourning the loss of one of my older brothers. She sat next to the lake, and held my hand until the sun rose. She told me that it was impossible to force another being to stay alive. She told me that all we could do was enjoy what time we had with them as best we could. I never forgot what she said."

Natsume feels suddenly hopeless. What sort of world is it where all people can do is accept the fate of others? What is the point of being alive, of being in love, if even a powerful spirit like Hikari can do nothing?

"It's ironic," Hikari says, kicking at the water's surface, "because that human would surely be dead by now. But I remember how beautiful she was. She had this book, and she used to collect the names of-"

"No," Natsume says, suddenly, shaking his head. "Reiko would never have said anything like that. You're lying."

"Reiko," Hikari says, spine stiff. "Yes. That's right."

"Reiko was my grandmother," Natsume informs her. "My grandmother spent her whole life alone. She would never have talked about enjoying time with people, because she never _had_ any people. You're lying."

Reiko is Natsume's destiny. He doesn't want Reiko to have had anyone important in her life, because then he wouldn't be able to punish himself for what he did to Tanuma.

_Wait, what?_

"She didn't have any people growing up," Nyanko says, waddling out from under the bushes and casually joining the conversation as if he hasn't been spying on them the whole time. "She was a lonely kid, just like you. But…you do know you had a grandfather, right?"

"The young man with the beard who owned the old calico cat," Hikari says, splashing a little. "He was very handsome. They were friends for three years before they started courting. "

Natsume shakes his head. Obviously he had a grandfather. He knew all along, intellectually, that Reiko got married and had children, but he had never really considered what that _meant_.

"Hikari was friends with your grandmother in her happier days," Nyanko says. "Being an adult isn't so bad. "

"I knew she loved him the day his cat died, and she asked all of the spirits in the region if there was anything we could do to bring it back to life, somehow," Hikari says, dreamily. "She called in all of her favours, just to make him happy. And then they got – what is the word – married. And they had children. Her children used to fish at this exact lake. Gosh, that was all so long ago. Aoi was only a fry back then."

Hikari turns and smiles at him.

"Thank you, grandson of Reiko," she says. "You have made me recall such good memories."

Natsume doesn't move. He can't move. He's still frozen with the implications of everything that has been said.

"Come on, idiot," Nyanko says, butting at his ankles. "Let's go home."

"I…can't," Natsume manages. "There are some other things I need to do first."

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you for reading. you guys are all wonderful, lovely people and I adore you.


	20. Chapter 20

notes/warnings

+ ridiculously huge flowers.

+ some things mend faster than others.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Twenty<strong>

"This one contains every single flower that is seasonally available," the florist tells Natsume, flamboyantly waving her arms around. "Each is tastefully, individually placed to form this beautiful big bouquet. I like to think it allows the sender to express gigantic emotions. Like, for example, deep love."

"That's perfect," Natsume says decisively, reaching for his wallet.

He still feels as if electric currents are running underneath his skin. He can't stop imagining Reiko, trying desperate to save that cat. Trying to express her love for another human the only way she knew how.

He knows that feeling, too.

"Are you sure about this?" Touko asks quietly. "I know you've been saving your pocket money for a long time, but these flowers will cost almost all of your savings."

Natsume would spend the entirety of his university fund too, if it would get a bigger bouquet. But as it turns out, that isn't an option. A bigger bouquet would literally crush the receiver.

"She must be a very special girl," says the florist, brightly.

A tiny daisy-spirit is dancing around the floor between her feet, gathering up petals in his arms. He pauses for a moment and looks at Natsume, as if waiting for an answer.

"She is the _most_ special girl," Natsume says. "If you even pass her on the street, your life will be better for it."

Maybe the time for being afraid of his feelings has passed. Maybe all he can do is enjoy what time he has as best he can.

"Cool," the florist grins, hoisting the monstrous arrangement across the counter. "Here you go. Don't forget to write on the card."

Touko helps him wrestle the flowers into the back seat of the car, humming under her breath.

"I'm glad you're letting me help you with this," she says. "I like doing things with my family, you know."

Natsume is suddenly glad that he's already used up his entire supply of tears for the day, otherwise he'd probably be bawling right now.

"I like doing things with my family too," he says, slipping into his seat. "Touko, what should I write on the card?"

Touko considers this for a moment.

"What do you want to say? What would you say face-to-face?"

"Sorry," Natsume says, slowly. "Sorry for everything. PS, you are fantastic."

"Well, it doesn't do to use flowery language in apologies," Touko says. "I think you should write down what you just said. Tooru is a smart girl. I'm sure she'll understand."

Taki's house is only ten minutes from the florist, and Natsume is still scrawling on the tiny white card by the time they pull up.

"Thank you again for helping me with this," Natsume says. "Wait here. I won't be long."

When Taki opens the door, she blinks. She blinks at the flowers, and then at Natsume, and then at the flowers again.

"You were right," Natsume says, in a rush, heart pounding. "These are for you."

Taki nods, mutely. Then she folds her arms across her chest.

"Don't you have somewhere else to be?" she asks, quietly. It's a genuine question. She's hopeful, but she isn't sure.

"Yes," Natsume manages, nervously. "Yes, I really do."

"Then, go," Taki says, and her smile is sudden and as huge as the moon. "Go."

* * *

><p>"You've been staring out the window for three hours now," Tanuma's father says, frowning. "Are you sure you're okay, Kaname?"<p>

"I'm fine," Tanuma says, automatically.

It's a beautiful day outside. He tries to imagine what things would be like if Natsume had never found out. Maybe they'd go walking around the lake together. Maybe Nishimura would take them fishing again. Maybe Natsume would put his hand on Tanuma's shoulder, touching so lightly that Tanuma would be afraid to breathe.

It doesn't matter. The past isn't changeable, and perhaps it is better that Tanuma stops hoping for the things he cannot have. Perhaps he needs to start appreciating the things he does have. Perhaps he'll stop missing Natsume, one day. Perhaps, when they run into each other as strangers on the street, Tanuma will be able to smile and walk right on by and not spare another thought.

"I don't want to be an adult," he tells his father, hugging his legs. "I wanted to be young forever."

"You're still young," his father says, touching the crown of Tanuma's head.

"No, you don't understand," Tanuma wails. He is still so full of sadness, and sometimes a small wisp of it escapes through his mouth. "A part of my life is over, and I can't get it back."

"I'm sorry," his father says quietly, and walks away.

Tanuma pushes both his hands into his hair and clenches his fists. He didn't want this. He never wanted this. He's so tired of having to make sacrifices just for things to be okay. He's so tired of hating himself.

A few minutes pass, and then his father comes back.

"There's someone outside," he says, so hesitantly that Tanuma wonders if he's seen a ghost.

"We do live next to the temple," Tanuma says, trying to force a smile.

"Natsume Takashi doesn't come here for the temple," Tanuma's father says, gravely.

And despite everything, Tanuma's heart skips twice. He unclenches his hands and opens his eyes.

"Would you like to see him? I worry that he may make you feel even worse," Tanuma's father says.

That is a certainty, not just a possibility. But if Natsume is here, then something must be terribly, terribly wrong. Tanuma gets to his feet.

"Let him in," he says.

* * *

><p>Nyanko races ahead of Natsume, barrelling down the hall, oblivious to the icy stare of Tanuma's father. Natsume chases him all the way to Tanuma's room. And there is Tanuma, standing on the smooth wooden floor, barely reacting when Nyanko jumps up and clings to his chest.<p>

"What is it?" he asks, placing one hand on Nyanko's back.

"Huh?" Nyanko says. "Oh. Nothing is wrong, and everything is fine."

Tanuma frowns, and puts Nyanko back onto the floor. He looks softer today, with little lines of exhaustion branching from his eyes. Natsume never sees him up close at school any more. Natsume hardly sees him at all.

"Then what do you want?" Tanuma asks Natsume, suddenly businesslike. "I'm in perfect health right now, so whatever it is, I can do it."

His voice cracks mid-sentence, and Natsume wants to put his arms around Tanuma's shoulders and not let go. He sinks to his knees, instead, and doesn't speak. He bows his head, and it feels good. It feels like he's finally doing something right, a single drop in the massive ocean of what he owes Tanuma.

"I don't understand," Tanuma says, carefully.

"Please listen," Natsume says, quietly. "I don't deserve your time, but I wanted…"

Tanuma smells the same as he always has. Natsume had planned his whole life out by Tanuma's side. He never wanted it to be like this.

"I wanted to tell you that I am so, so sorry."

He can't give Tanuma flowers. He can't risk Tanuma thinking his gesture is romantic, and rejecting him. He has to salvage whatever he can from their friendship. He can't aim for anything else. Not now, not ever. Even if what Tanuma said that day was true, and not just a platitude, Tanuma definitely can't feel that way any more.

"I said terrible things to you, and I left you all alone," Natsume says, covering his eyes with one hand. "And worse than that, before all of that, I made you worry so many times. And I never thanked you for all the good health you gave me."

Tanuma slowly bends down, and picks Nyanko back up again.

"Natsume," he says, quietly.

"Please," Natsume says. "I'm not asking you to forgive me. But I wanted you to know that I was scared for you. I shut you out because I was frightened of losing you. And then I stopped being your friend because I was still frightened of losing you. I _am_ a danger to you, but it was selfish of me to just ignore your feelings."

Tanuma kneels down, so that he isn't any taller than Natsume.

"Natsume, it's okay."

"It's not okay," Natsume says, his voice rising. "You told me how much it hurt to be left out, and I never even thought about it. I used to be so happy, just thinking about you and how you were safe. And then Taki told me…Taki told me about all the times the two of you were scared for me. And even when I took her with me I never took you. I grew up learning how to shut people out, and keep people safe. But I guess I don't really know how to be friends with anyone."

"Are we friends again?" Tanuma asks, his words coming out in a disbelieving rush.

"I'll always want to be friends with you," Natsume manages. "But this is difficult for me. I don't want to involve you in anything. I'm scared one day you'll die, and there will be nothing that I can do to stop it."

"I'm scared of the same thing," Tanuma admits, sadly. "So…we can't be friends? Because of that?"

Natsume rubs at his face, and then meets Tanuma's eyes.

"I think we sh-should make the best of the time we have," he says. "I really want to go back to talking with you, and spending time with you. I'm scared that something bad will happen to you, but I want to make you happy, if I can."

"Oh my god," Tanuma says, eagerly. "Natsume, can we do that again? Can we talk? Because I really miss you."

This is actually going miles better than Natsume expected. Tanuma is willing to still be friends, after everything that Natsume has done and ruined and broken?

_Please please please._

"I miss you too," he replies.

* * *

><p>"So what do you want, exactly?"<p>

Tanuma feels weightless, as if he's floating a few feet above the ground. Ponta is a warm, fluffy weight in his arms. It's as if someone has flipped a switch, as if he is being offered the possibility to get back something he was sure was destroyed and vanished from the world.

And very quietly, at the back of his head, a little voice says _this is permanent. This is the answer you were waiting for, and you're going to have to accept it._

Natsume chews on his lower lip.

"I want to be friends," he says, decisively. "I want to go back to exactly the way we were before."

And this is it. All Tanuma has ever wanted.

_He didn't acknowledge you. He doesn't feel the same way about you. He wants to go back to the time before he knew._

Tanuma hugs Ponta tightly. Because this is okay, too. He's never asked for anything more than to stay at Natsume's side.

"Then, we'll do that," he says, happily. "Let's do that."

Natsume gets to his feet and punches the air in a single gesture. He's never this unrestrained or demonstrative, and Tanuma wonders suddenly how much he's been suffering.

"Thank you," Natsume says. "Thank you."

"You're both idiots," Ponta says, sticking his tiny nose in the air. "You should have had this conversation as soon as we got back from capturing the sickness-spirits."

"I missed you, as well," Tanuma tells him.

"You say that," Ponta says. "But I still don't see any food here for me."

"I'll get food," Tanuma says. "And…and tea! Natsume, what do you want?"

He thought he'd never get to share food with these precious people ever again. Tanuma feels as if his heart might literally burst. He feels as if he has been given another chance, as if all of his old mistakes have been washed away.

He wants to do this right.

"Tea is great," Natsume says. "Can we talk, after that? I know it's my own fault, but I'd really like to know what I've missed in your life."

"Yes," Tanuma says, smiling so hard his lips hurt.

* * *

><p>It seems as if Tanuma hasn't been doing much. He talks about homework and Kitamoto and new recipes and a trading card game he's interested in. And then he talks about healing his father's sore tooth, as if he's discussing the weather. Tanuma is casually letting Natsume be a part of his biggest secret, and Natsume sort of wants to just sit here and cry. He is overwhelmed by the fact that he has managed to <em>fix this<em>.

And Natsume, in return, tells Tanuma about the field-spirit and the bug-spirits and Hikari, forcing himself to share with Tanuma even though every instinct is shrieking at him to guard his words. Because this is what he promised to do.

Tanuma lights up, and he watches Natsume with a rapt expression.

"What did the bug spirits look like?" he asks. "Were they really tiny? Did they have antennae?"

Natsume hesitates, and Tanuma's face falls.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked," he says, quickly. "Just tell me what you want to tell me, okay?"

Natsume sets down his tea and rests his palms against the wooden floor, steadying himself.

"The thing is," he says, shakily. "This is very difficult for me, but the thing is that I think you should be able to come with Taki and I sometimes."

"Really?" Tanuma asks, eyes huge. "Are you sure?"

Of course Natsume is sure. Natsume is sure that this is a terrible idea and Tanuma might get hurt or upset or worse and _Natsume_ is going to be blamed for that and this is the worst idea anyone has ever had in a million years. But this is what Tanuma wants, and that is important. It will ease Tanuma's heart when Natsume is in danger.

This is what it means to be friends with someone.

"Really," Natsume replies. "Just…let's start with small, harmless spirits, okay? I'll be worried for your safety, so I'm going to make this as easy as possible for both of us. And please tell me if you get a headache or something – I mean, if you get a headache the usual way and not from swapping – because I don't want the spirit world to be a painful experience for you."

Tanuma doesn't answer immediately. Nyanko stops eating his rice, and watches Tanuma closely. Natsume frowns, confused.

"I don't get headaches from spirits any more," Tanuma says. "I haven't since I swapped with Ponta and Aoi."

"That's excellent," Natsume says. "I'm glad."

This is so incredibly terrifying. How is he ever going to be okay with this? Even the thought of Tanuma with harmful spirits is making Natsume want to throw up. And even benevolent spirits can sometimes hurt humans by accident.

"Can I ask you something?" Tanuma asks, raising his mug to his lips. "Why did you lie to me about the fish in my pond? You said they were all red."

Nyanko nods, and goes back to eating.

"I had completely forgotten about that," Natsume admits, rubbing the back of his neck. "I didn't want to trouble you with details. At the time, I thought I was protecting you."

"I always appreciate your protection," Tanuma says, and Natsume feels warm and ridiculously happy. "But I'm grateful for your trust, as well."

"You too," Natsume says. A month ago, this would be the moment where he would take Tanuma's hand, in an attempt to demonstrate the affection in his heart, to let it out and not be drowned by it.

It suddenly occurs to Natsume that he can do it. They've made up. They are friends again. Natsume reaches across the gap between them…

…and Tanuma moves away.

Natsume stares at the floor, furious with himself. Of course things aren't the same. Of course. He cannot just erase the way he hurt Tanuma.

"How did you find out about the black fish?" he asks, softly, face burning.

"I'm trying to tell you," Tanuma says. "I haven't been the same since I swapped with Ponta and Aoi."

Natsume snaps to attention, forgetting his own humiliation.

"You can see spirits?" he asks.

"Yeah," Tanuma replies. "I've been seeing a lot of strange things very clearly since that day. But don't worry. I'm not going to run off having adventures on my own. You are the authority on spirits, and I'll always consult with you before I do anything."

Natsume shakes his head, hard. He can't cope with all of these new developments in his relationship with his most important person. He points at the window.

"Tell me about the spirit near the tree stump," he says.

Tanuma follows his line of vision.

"He's a little guy with a big hat," Tanuma says.

Natsume points in a different direction.

"What about the one fishing by the pond?"

"Some sort of ugly frog with fairy wings and too many eyes," Tanuma says.

"And the one over by the patch of grass?"

Tanuma looks miserable.

"I can't see anything there," he admits.

"There isn't anything there," Natsume tells him. "I was just testing you."

"Oh," Tanuma says, brightening considerably. "So I can be of use to you?"

Of use? Natsume isn't alone in the world any more. Tanuma is literally his equal. He doesn't even know what to think.

"Maybe even more than you were before," he replies.

They spend the rest of the evening talking about spirits. When Natsume leaves, he goes to hug Tanuma goodbye and then stops himself.

This is how they are going to be now, and this is okay.

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ don't worry, this isn't the end.

+ next chapter will be up in one or two weeks.

+ thank you so so much for reading. you are all lovely.

+ are any of you on tumblr? I'm over there under the username 'bigdots'. feel free to get in touch if you want to talk about Natsume stuff.


	21. Chapter 21

notes/warnings

+ baby steps

* * *

><p><strong>Part Twenty One<br>**

* * *

><p>Touko's cooking is amazing, but it doesn't actually smell so good when its three weeks old and covered in cat litter. Natsume swipes one filthy hand across his brow, wrinkles his nose in an attempt to block out the stench, and rips open another plastic bag.<p>

Mouldy corn, empty tins, shredded cat toys, and a pair of old shoes. Not what he's looking for.

"Natsume, what are you doing?" Shigeru asks, voice gentle and unconcerned.

There doesn't seem to be any point in lying.

"I'm going through the garbage," Natsume explains.

"I did recognise that," Shigeru says, cheerfully. "Is something wrong? You know, you can always talk to us if something is wrong. Touko and I know that you try your best. We wouldn't be angry, even if you made a mistake."

"I made a big mistake," Natsume says, trying not to blush, because this is still embarrassing. "I threw out something important to me by accident. I think it's still in here somewhere, but it's just a bit of paper and it might be really difficult to find."

"Well then," Shigeru says, rolling up his sleeves. "I'll help you look for this important piece of paper, in exchange for some help with the dishes later tonight."

Natsume feels as if there are tiny particles of joy rising through his body, like bubbles in a carbonated beverage. Everything is so _normal_ and _okay_, and he missed this, he missed all of this.

"Thank you," is all he can manage in reply.

* * *

><p>"I don't know if you've noticed," Tanuma says, conversationally, "but Taki is actually an amazing person."<p>

"She's like a proper hero," Natsume agrees, pushing one of his bangs behind his ear. "I haven't even thanked her for what she did. I only just managed to apologise to her for what _I_ did."

He's really beautiful. Tanuma still doesn't know how to react to Natsume, but they're here and they're together and he's happy.

"Well, she'll wait for you to say it on your own terms. She is your friend, after all."

Natsume nods and smiles. Actually, he's been smiling since they ran into each other a few streets ago. Tanuma wants to hug him, but he still feels awkward and confused whenever he thinks of touching Natsume. It's different, when someone knows you love them. But Natsume looked so sad when Tanuma pulled away yesterday, so Tanuma has to figure out a way to overcome his reservations.

"I'm very lucky," Natsume says.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!" someone yells, running up behind them and pulling Natsume and Tanuma into a crushing hug.

"Hello, Nishimura," Natsume says, politely.

"You're talking to each other!" Nishimura exclaims, loudly. "Are we all friends again? This is great!"

"Nishimura, put them down," Kitamoto says, appearing on Natsume's left side. "I'm glad to see you're both okay."

"Yeah, what even happened?" Nishimura demands. "It was horrible. It felt like watching a break up on a soap opera."

_Don't say that_, Tanuma thinks, panicked.

"You watch soap operas?" Kitamoto asks, amused.

"It was nothing," Tanuma says. "I made a mistake, but now-"

"No, it was _my_ fault," Natsume says, deftly. "I was unkind."

Tanuma hesitates, surprised. He's not used to Natsume telling people the truth so easily. And then he realises that Natsume is kind of flinching and his knuckles are white and this probably isn't easy for him at all.

"Natsume," he says, quietly, an acknowledgement.

"Unkind?" Nishimura demands. "You? What happened? Did you drink a potion and turn into Mister Hyde or something?"

But Kitamoto, wise as ever, just touches Natsume on the back.

"Everyone has their difficulties," he says. "I'm glad everything is okay now. Try not to let it happen again, huh?"

"If it happens again, I am going to punch at least one of them," Taki announces, falling into step with them on the other side of Tanuma.

"Taki!" Natsume says, affectionately.

"Good morning," Taki says sweetly.

And then she gets a shifty look in her eyes and elbows Tanuma quietly.

"Hey, can you pass me Nyanko, please?" she whispers.

"Are you going to squeal and do your anaconda impersonation with him again?" Tanuma asks, sternly.

"No?"

"I don't believe you," Tanuma replies.

"You are a good friend," Ponta whispers, from the top of Natsume's head. "When I devour all the puny humans, I will leave you until last."

By this point Natsume is just kind of giggling helplessly.

"Nice of you to join us, Taki," Kitamoto says, waving. "Nishimura was just telling us about how he loves soap operas."

"I DO NOT!" Nishimura yelps, turning bright red.

He lets go of Tanuma and rushes over to launch himself at Kitamoto.

"Take it back! Take it back! You can't say things like that in front of you-know-who."

"I have a name," Taki supplies, helpfully.

"You weren't supposed to hear that!" Nishimura says frantically, and tackles Kitamoto to the ground.

"All our friends are wonderful," Natsume says softly.

Tanuma steels himself, and reaches out and ruffles Natsume's hair, just for a fraction of a second. Natsume reacts as if he's just been informed that he's won a lottery, eyes huge and shining. And Tanuma is so in love with Natsume he can barely function.

This is it. This is where they left off. This is where they start from, again.

* * *

><p>Natsume's heart is in his throat. Little droplets of sweat are prickling against the back of his neck. He doesn't take Tanuma's hand, because he's scared he might not be able to let go again.<p>

Jiji watches him with big, confused eyes. Jiji is a slug-spirit, and he's presently a bit lost, so he does things very slowly and softly. He's the perfect introduction to the spirit world, and he is literally harmless. But Natsume feels ill, all the same.

"Nice to meet you," Tanuma says, with great enthusiasm.

"Oooo," Jiji replies. "You're new."

"I'm a friend of Natsume's," Tanuma explains.

"Yes," Natsume says, quickly. "Please spread the word that Tanuma is a friend of mine. He has some spiritual ability of his own, but he is also under my protection."

"Okay," Jiji says, tilting his head.

"He's really cute," Tanuma whispers to Natsume. "I really like the calm, gentle spirits I've seen."

"I like you too!" Jiji replies, snuggling up against Tanuma's foot. "Good Tanuma."

Tanuma is practically sparkling, and Natsume wonders if this is going to be like the thing with Taki and Nyanko.

"We'll help you get home, okay?" Tanuma says, fondly.

"Okay," Jiji replies.

"This is literally the most boring thing we've ever done," Nyanko says, distastefully.

Natsume doesn't care. He's nervous and happy and in love all at once. This is Tanuma's first adventure, however small, and Natsume is glad to be a part of it.

* * *

><p>Natsume looks exhausted, as if he hasn't slept in a few days. Taki ignores him, probably because she doesn't have time to do anything else. She sketches furiously at the ground, drawing the circle that is supposed to neutralise the spider-spirit's poison.<p>

"Tanuma," Natsume says, miserably. "I know I promised, but this is too soon. It's too dangerous. I want you and Taki to both go home."

Tanuma kind of expected this. It's only his fourth time dealing with spirit things, and he knows how difficult this is for Natsume.

"But this spirit is very powerful," he reasons.

He can _feel_ its power in the air, like a current vibrating through a taught string. And he can feel his own power – the power bestowed on him by kind spirits who protected him – humming under his skin.

He's not as strong as Natsume.

"And it's going to attack the town," Tanuma continues. "Isn't there anything we can do? Would it make you feel better if we stood further back?"

"Next time, okay?" Natsume says. "I promise I'll let you join in next time."

"Don't make promises that are painful to keep," Tanuma advises. He has learned his lessons the hard way. One should never make promises, especially about spirits or furniture. "It doesn't have to be the very next time. It can be whenever you are comfortable having me along."

The terror disappears from Natsume's expression. He rubs his knuckles against the back of Tanuma's arm.

"Thank you," he says, warmly. "I will definitely bring you with me again soon."

* * *

><p>"Huh," Misuzu says, licking Tanuma thoughtfully with his mammoth tongue. "He's not as strong as you, Lord Natsume."<p>

"And he's ugly," Hinoe adds.

Natsume sighs. He was sort of hoping that introducing Tanuma to his precious spirit friends would be a smoother process.

"That's right," Tanuma says, happily. "You probably know that my spiritual powers aren't really my forte. But to be honest, I love the spirit world and I will do what I can to protect it."

"That would be selfish of you," Hinoe warns, poking Tanuma in the side. "You should also keep yourself safe, for the people who love you."

Tanuma looks down, flushing slightly.

"That's enough," Natsume tells Hinoe.

Hinoe regards him as if seeing him for the first time.

"You too, Natsume," she says. "You're practically an adult now, and human adults are not as expendable as human children."

"That's a horrible thing to say!" Tanuma blurts out.

Natsume nods in agreement.

"But it is true," Hinoe says, loftily. "The longer something lives, the more others become attached to it. I expect you'll both be investing more of your time in your human lives."

"Yeah," Natsume mutters. "Yeah, maybe."

* * *

><p>"So," Taki says.<p>

"So," Tanuma echoes, forlornly.

He has fought dangerous spirits. He has seen his own mother buried. He has inflicted some of the worst non-fatal illnesses in the world on himself. He has feared for Natsume's safety, over and over again.

But everything seems easy now, in comparison to the damning blank piece of paper that sits in front of him. He did the research once, a while ago, but now he can't remember the name of a single college. And he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know if he can turn around and find out where Natsume is going. He doesn't know if he should try and go there too. He doesn't know what their future will hold, and whether they're going to be just friends or long-distance friends or roommates or something else.

Tanuma is scared.

"You're both hopeless," Taki says, kindly. "Since neither of you have made any plans, why don't you copy my preferences? I'm choosing a lot of local universities, so I can stay in the area."

She's addressing Natsume too. He must be having the same problem as Tanuma. But probably not for the same reason.

"I'll copy it," Tanuma says, decisively.

"Me too," Natsume pipes up from a few seats back. He sounds strangely desperate.

"Good plan," Taki tells them.

* * *

><p>They run into another spider-spirit on the way home from school. There isn't time to send Tanuma away: the spirit is right in front of them and lunging menacingly, fangs bared.<p>

Natsume punches it as hard as he can, and it falls back, shrieking.

When it tries to get up, Tanuma smacks it back down.

* * *

><p>They draw a huge circle that takes up the entirety of Tanuma's garden, and wait for nightfall. The forecast is for rain, and it doesn't disappoint.<p>

"I wanted you both to see this," Tanuma says, emerging onto the porch with a tray of steaming mugs. "It's really beautiful."

"Even if it isn't beautiful, I'm still glad to be here with both of you," Taki says.

Natsume puts his arm around her shoulders.

"We're glad to be here with you, too," he says, sincerely.

Tanuma sits down on the other side of Taki, and Natsume doesn't feel jealous, but he is a little disappointed. He likes to be close to Tanuma. And he is frightened of the future.

But then the last few rays of sun disappear, and thousands of tiny flying insects swarm out from the rocks behind the pond. Each of them is glowing with a different colour, reds and blues and oranges and pinks. They rise up and fill the air, dashing from raindrop to raindrop, unknowingly creating a magnificent light show.

"Boring," Nyanko announces.

"No," Natsume replies. "It's perfect."

* * *

><p>"Aren't we all a little old for this?" Sasada asks, perched haughtily on the edge of her mattress.<p>

"You didn't have to come, you know," Nishimura informs her. "And you can leave aaaany time you like."

"Don't be rude," Sasada snaps.

"Why did we invite Sasada?" Kitamoto whispers to Taki.

"Sometimes, I like not being the only girl," Taki says, at a normal volume.

Tanuma nods. All of Taki's closest friends are boys. She's probably glad to have some other girls around sometimes.

"Besides, it's like you said," Sasada continues. "This is our last chance to do this, right? After this, we'll all go our separate ways."

"Yeah," Natsume agrees, in a tiny voice.

Natsume is already lying on the floor, head resting on Taki's knee. He's exhausted from a long day of homework and school and helping the young fox-spirit guard his land from much bigger wolf-spirits. Tanuma knows all of these things, in detail, because Natsume told him.

Sometimes Tanuma feels like he might ignite from the warmth in his own heart. He loves Natsume so much, and everything is better than it was before.

Tanuma puts his hand over Natsume's foot.

_I'll be around if you want me_, he thinks. _I won't leave you on your own, unless you want me to._

Sasada is watching them, one eyebrow raised. Tanuma isn't scared or ashamed. He and Natsume are surrounded by their friends, and Sasada won't be allowed to say anything embarrassing or hurtful.

"Hey, Tanuma," Natsume says, sleepily.

"Hey," Tanuma replies.

"Well, he's pretty much unconscious," Sasada says, dismissively. "Does anyone other than me actually want to talk?"

"I want to talk," Kitamoto says, softly.

"Then tell me a story," Sasada prompts, flopping down onto her bed. "And make it… hmm… romantic."

"Not everything has to revolve around romance, you know," Taki says.

"That's easy to say," Sasada complains. "But here we are at the end of school, and all six of us are still painfully single. Well, mostly anyway."

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself," Taki says. "You're top of the class, Sasada. You'll have your pick of universities. One thing at a time."

Sasada regards the ceiling for a few moments, and then nods.

"What do you aspire to be?" she asks Taki.

"An old lady with lots of cats," Taki says, soberly.

Kitamoto bursts out laughing, and Nishimura kicks him.

"Speaking of which," Sasada continues, "where is the evil white pig cat?"

"I think you mean 'fluffy white fluffy cat'," Taki says dreamily, clasping her hands.

"You're hopeless," Sasada sighs. "Actually, all of you are hopeless. Kitamoto and I are the only non-hopeless people in the room."

"Hey, hey," Kitamoto says, holding up his hands. "Leave me out of this."

"Taki and Natsume are _not_ hopeless," Tanuma says, hotly.

"Thanks a _lot_," Nishimura groans.

"You're not hopeless either," Kitamoto assures him.

"Yes, you all are," Sasada says firmly. "You all want things that you either can't have or you're unwilling to try for."

Natsume murmurs unintelligibly, possibly responding to his own name. Tanuma waits for Taki to comfort him, but she starts shouting at Sasada instead.

"It's okay for people to not try!" she says. "You don't know what goes on in other people's lives. Sometimes they have good reasons and even if they don't it's none of your business."

"Whatever," Sasada says, but she looks embarrassed.

"I guess it was too much to hope that we'd all manage to get along," Kitamoto says, wryly.

Tanuma pats Natsume's head.

"It's okay," he whispers, reassuringly. "Nothing is happening."

* * *

><p>tbc<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ thank you for reading.

+ final chapter will be up in 2-7 days. :)


	22. Chapter 22

notes/warnings

+ this is the final chapter of GPT.

+ warning for illnesses, and really big geese.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Twenty Two<br>**

* * *

><p>Natsume groans and rolls out of bed. His eyes hurt and his brain feels woolly and useless. He tries to get up three times before he manages to succeed, and he shuffles into the kitchen miserably.<p>

"You have a fever," Touko diagnoses, passing Tanuma the rice. "A bad one, I think. You shouldn't do anything today."

Natsume tries to smile for her. He is intensely aware of Tanuma, sitting right across the table. He knows what Tanuma does, and he spends the entire meal tensed up, waiting to for his head to suddenly clear, waiting for his physical pain to be replaced by the pain that is hurting someone you love more than the world.

And yet, Hikari was right. Even in these difficult times, being together is still better than losing Tanuma.

They finish up at the table, and Tanuma and Natsume retreat to Natsume's room.

"I want to heal you," Tanuma says, as soon as they're alone. "Is that okay with you?"

_He's asking_, Natsume thinks, feeling a little bit better. This is what happens when Natsume starts being honest with people; he gets honesty in return.

"Can you not?" Natsume asks. "How painful will it be for you if you don't heal me?"

Tanuma shrugs and averts his eyes.

"If you're more comfortable with being sick than with me healing you, then I will respect that," he says. "That's enough for me."

"Thank you," Natsume says, gratefully.

He kisses the top of Tanuma's head, mimicking the method Taki uses to express gratitude. Tanuma grins up at him.

"I'll stay and look after you, okay," he says.

* * *

><p>The next day isn't so easy. The spirit called Misuzu bursts into Natsume's room in a wave of tiny bouncing frogs.<p>

"Lord Natsume, I need your help," he says. "There is a team of powerful rat-demons threatening the forest."

"Can I handle it?" Tanuma asks him soberly. This is a very serious moment, and not the time to get all excited about talking to a really huge spirit.

"I need Natsume for this, newcomer," Misuzu tells him. "Natsume, I believe the leader of the rats is in the Book of Friends. It won't take long. What are you doing in bed at this hour of the morning?"

"He's sick," Ponta says.

"I can handle it," Natsume says, getting clumsily to his feet.

"Not like this," Tanuma says, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but I can't let you go out like that. You'll be in too much danger. Whoever goes should be healthy, and whoever stays can handle the fever."

Natsume chews on his lip.

"That's pretty good reasoning," he says, reluctantly. "But I hate the thought of hurting you."

"Well, I'm happiest when you're well," Tanuma says, smiling brightly. "This won't really hurt me at all. A fever is nothing."

"Then it's fine," Natsume says, folding his arms. "But, can we always talk about this before you do it? I feel better when we do."

"I promise," Tanuma replies.

* * *

><p>When Tanuma is better, Natsume visits him at the temple. He brings cakes, and Nyanko, and his Book of Friends, and he sets all three out on the floor in front of Tanuma.<p>

"This is my last real secret," he says. He doesn't feel at all emotional. He trusts Tanuma. "It used to belong to my grandmother. It's a powerful artefact, and it draws spirits to me. It also gives me some power over them, but only if I can use it correctly."

"You could have kept it a secret," Tanuma says, scrubbing a hand over his face. "I know that Misuzu mentioned it the other day, but I wouldn't have asked."

"I know," Natsume says. "That's why I'm telling you now."

"You're _kidding_, right?" Nyanko demands, shaking one tiny fist in Natsume's face. "When you said you had something important to say to him, I thought you meant something _really important_. The Book of Friends is old and boring. Nobody cares about that any more!"

"I care," Tanuma says. "What did you want us to talk about, Ponta?"

"Important stuff," Nyanko continues. "The last day of school is tomorrow, idiots. I want to know if Tanuma is going to live with us or not!"

Natsume freezes, immobilised by shock and embarrassment.

"Shut up," he says, trying to cover Nyanko's treacherous mouth with his hands. "You have no right to ask Tanuma that."

"It's our future," Nyanko growls. "I don't want to live with just one useless human if I can have two. That's twice the snacks and twice the meals, and Tanuma already knows how to cook for himself. I hate not knowing whether something is going to turn out to be good or bad. I want to know!"

"It's okay," Tanuma says, but he looks flushed. "I-"

"Please don't say anything," Natsume tells him, quickly.

"What's your problem?" Nyanko demands, gesticulating wildly.

"If we make Tanuma answer that question now, he'll feel obligated to say yes," Natsume explains hotly. "That's how human conversation works. He has to bring it up on his own, without prompting from us."

"But then I'd feel like I was pressuring you," Tanuma points out.

Natsume pauses. He hadn't considered that.

"Obviously we want you to live with us," Natsume says, very quietly, just in case Tanuma didn't already know. "But that doesn't mean you should, or that it's right for you. Think about it, and tell me some other time, okay? When Teacher isn't shouting at you."

"Okay," Tanuma replies, and Natsume can't even bring himself to look at Tanuma's expression.

This is too important.

* * *

><p>Natsume sits on the cold, bare floor, and watches the dust motes glitter in the sunlight. The view is unremarkable. This place is old and dusty and abandoned-looking. There are small spirits here, just busy balls of fluff nesting in the corners and on the rafters. Sometimes part of a really enormous spirit passes through the bathroom.<p>

"_I know it seems scary_," Touko had said when she dropped him off. "_Just remember that we're only a short drive away."_

"_I'm proud of you,"_ Shigeru had added.

Maybe this was a mistake. Touko and Shigeru are the only family he has left. Everything Natsume owns is in boxes, and he can't bring himself to even begin to unpack. Because everything Tanuma owns is also here, in boxes, and it seems far too easy for Tanuma to just pile them back into his car and drive away again.

Tanuma and Nyanko went out to get food a while ago. Natsume is supposed to be cleaning, but he feels sick to his stomach and tiny, dwarfed by this unfamiliar place. He's worried that even if things are good here, his love for Tanuma will eventually crush him alive and ruin everything.

Natsume checks his phone. One message from Taki, saying simply '_don't worry_'. Taki knows him far too well, but she can't really understand. She moved into her new house a week ago, and is living exactly two streets away from her parents. Also she's sharing with three other girls and six cats.

It isn't the same.

Tanuma has been gone a long time. Natsume wonders if maybe he's realised his mistake, and he's just left without coming back for his things, in order to save face. Natsume wouldn't blame him. Natsume has always been the weird one, the one that nobody wanted. He isn't sure why he ever thought that would change.

"I'm home!" someone announces dramatically from the generally direction of the kitchen. The someone sounds suspiciously like Nyanko with a mouth full of food.

For a moment Natsume doesn't move, straining his ears for any evidence that Tanuma has returned, too. He can't see the entrance from here and, if he never looks, he will never have to deal with the fact that he has been abandoned.

There is a dull thud, followed by several more thuds, followed by the sound of a large blunt object being dragged around. Nyanko finds Natsume, and drops a bag full of fried rice at his feet.

"I got a small size for you and a large size for me," he crows.

"We won't be buying food all the time," Natsume tells him, trying to force himself to feel normal. "I'll have to cook, most of the time."

"Tanuma can cook," Nyanko declares. "You don't make edible food."

"Tanuma might cook if he's here," Natsume agrees, evasively. "But otherwise you'll have to put up with my attempts. I'm sure I'll get better."

"Hmm," Nyanko says. "Maybe you should go and help Tanuma."

If Tanuma needs help, then Tanuma must have come back. Natsume ends his conversation with Nyanko abruptly, and jogs his way to the kitchen. He finds his best friend standing amongst the boxes, looking as soft and as handsome as ever.

"Hey," Tanuma says. "Sorry I took so long. I saw this on the way, and I had to buy it."

Natsume goes to say '_I'm glad you came back'_, and then changes it to '_I'm glad you're here'_, and then pauses again with his mouth open, trying to decide if it's okay to say '_I'm scared and I don't know what is going to happen_ _and I don't really understand my feelings right now'_. And then he settles on '_I really need to talk to Taki sometime soon'_.

And then he suddenly realises what Tanuma is talking about. He recognises the thing that is currently occupying half of their tiny kitchen, and clashing with literally everything else in the room including the dust.

And the thoughts in his head and the words in his mouth dry up and grind to a deafening halt.

_Oh_.

* * *

><p>Natsume just sort of stands there, staring at the table, and Tanuma is rapidly reaching the conclusion that this was a bad idea. It's true that they haven't discussed it in weeks, but he figured that if it still meant something then Natsume would be happy, and if it didn't then it would be a useful piece of furniture to have around.<p>

It is, after all, just a green plastic table. It doesn't have to be symbolic. One way or the other, Ponta will probably break it in a few weeks.

"Do you remember this?" Tanuma asks, gently. "We used to talk about it."

Natsume doesn't say anything. He doesn't even make eye contact.

"I guess it was kind of just a joke," Tanuma continues, feeling defeated. "I thought it would be funny to actually get one, and they were really cheap."

The silence is broken only by the faint noise of Ponta munching in the background. Natsume still doesn't react.

"I have the receipt," Tanuma offers, desperately attempting to fix whatever problems he has caused. "I can just take it back, if you want."

A few more seconds pass.

"You don't even remember, do you?" Tanuma asks. "I'm sorry."

Natsume seems to snap out of his daze. He looks straight at Tanuma, with absolute clarity in his sand-coloured eyes. Tanuma shrinks under the intensity of his gaze.

"I love you," Natsume says.

Tanuma opens his mouth and then closes it again. His mind shifts into overdrive, desperately trying to attach some sense to the words that are coming out of Natsume's mouth.

"What?" he says, in a rush. "No. You. Hold on. I just."

"I _love_ you," Natsume says again, warmly.

He doesn't look frightened or stressed. He looks perfectly at peace with the universe. Ponta crunches something loudly, and then gulps noisily. There is no fanfare, no duress. Nobody is rushing forward to announce that this is a joke. Tanuma wonders if there's something wrong with him, because his heart is on the ground and his head is a mess and everyone else seems to be comfortably waiting for him to catch up.

Tanuma knew – _knew, _for sure and for certain – that Natsume didn't return his feelings. That fact was a foundation, along with the green plastic table and the universal constant that is Taki Tooru, upon which Tanuma built his home. Tanuma would have bet his life on Natsume not returning his feelings.

Tanuma's hands begin to shake. Of course he wanted to be wrong about something like this. Of course he's dreamed about vague notions of the two of them being together. But Natsume is standing in their kitchen pronouncing those words, and the fundamental crack that has just materialised in Tanuma's world isn't going to disappear the next time he wakes up. The world has changed. Or the world had always been different to what he thought, but suddenly that difference is being revealed to him.

Tanuma may never stop shaking.

It occurs to Tanuma that he's supposed to respond. That is how a confession works, when nobody is actively trying to die during it. Tanuma looks down at the corner of the table that is separating him from Natsume. It's an easy obstacle to navigate, given how tall they've both gotten recently.

"Thank you," Tanuma whispers, such empty pathetic words against the enormity of this moment, and leans across the table to kiss Natsume on the cheek.

He's taking liberties now. He's never kissed Natsume before, not even platonically. Tanuma is desperately scared of getting this wrong. And then Natsume goes and turns his head at the last second, sliding his forehead against Tanuma's, so they're face to face and Tanuma is pretty sure Natsume can see directly into his soul.

Okay, Tanuma figures this is okay, too. It's not like he was particularly attached to his nerves or anything.

"Welcome home," Natsume breathes, and Tanuma kisses him gently on the mouth.

* * *

><p>Tanuma pulls away after about half a second – always a gentleman about everything – and Natsume follows him, buoyed by the joy that his settled firmly in his heart. He will be annoyed with himself, later, for taking so long to say what he needed to say. He'll be irritated with himself for not realising the obvious, and angry with himself for making Tanuma wait so very, very long.<p>

But right now he just moves, half-crawls up onto the table in a blind and determined effort not to let Tanuma's face get too far from his. And this is what the table is for, after all. It's a trophy to show that they have a life together now, and Tanuma didn't forget, and Natsume still has that scrap of paper squirreled away in a box somewhere.

_My god, we're actually doing this._

"Is this okay?" Natsume asks, because Tanuma looks a little faint.

Tanuma nods rapidly, about thirty times in a row. Natsume laughs and strokes the dust from Tanuma's shaggy hair and pulls him gently down into another kiss.

Natsume could drown, doing this. Tanuma is literally perfect, and Natsume feels giddy and weak and amazed. Everything is actually okay.

"Lord Natsume? Mister Tanuma?"

Tanuma jerks in surprise, and Natsume hugs him tightly before pulling away and turning around. The turtle spirit from the forest is standing in the centre of their kitchen, looking worried and vaguely confused.

"That's us," Tanuma says, softly.

"There's a very big goose spirit in the forest," the turtle bleats, gesticulating unhelpfully.

Natsume tilts his head.

"And?" he prompts.

"It's _really_ big…" the turtle explains, awkwardly.

"Sounds like a job for the fabulous Nyanko and his human sidekicks," Nyanko announces, waddling into the room heroically.

"Give us five minutes," Natsume agrees, slinging his arm around Tanuma's narrow shoulders. "We'll help you out."

* * *

><p>end<p>

* * *

><p><span>an

+ I could not have written this fic without the help of my amazing, talented beta. they probably won't want me to name them here, but you will know if you meet them because your life will be instantly better for it (just like Taki Tooru).

+ I am so grateful to all of you for sticking with this fic and reading. thank you so much. I hope real life treats all of you very well.

+ sort of considering writing some short offshoot stories in the same universe as GPT. if I do they'll probably go on my tumblr. :)

+ thank you

+ thank you


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